(no subject)
been in a generally down mood today.
cried at work while sitting at my desk.
i miss my dad.
A lot.
Wrote an angry letter to my x that I'll never send.
I'm not really angry.
I'm sad.
But it felt good to get it all out.
I'm mostly angry that he wasn't there when I needed him the most.
No one I can really blame that on.
The break up and my dad's death are somehow tied to each other in my mind, even though they happened months apart. We broke up the week before my dad went into ICU.
But in my heart it's like the 2 most important men in my life both left me at the same time.
I feel so abandoned.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have two very sweet men in my life right now. They've been more than kind.
I just miss what my life was 18 months ago. Before it all fell apart. Before I became who I am now.
I'm not sure I like who I am right now.
I've become bitter. More bitter than ever before. I've become distant. Casual. Angry. Callused.
Right now, the only thing I remember about loving is the pain that follows it.
I know I'm not being myself lately. People are worried. Hell, my step-dad asked my mom to check in on me because they hadn't heard from me in a while. For those of you who know the relationship between me and my step-dad, that's really saying something.
All I can say is, try not to worry. Where ever I end up, it's got to be a better place than I started. I was told there was a spiritual journey on its way to me and I think it's here.
I'm so angry with the gods right now. Why did they take my daddy away from me? Why did they leave me without arms to comfort me when I needed them most? Why didn't I just die too? It felt like I would. I thought my heart would burst and kill me. Well, it didn't kill me. It just broke my heart for good. I don't know if it can be fixed.
This is so belated, all this grief. I didn't do this a year ago, who had time? I had a new job, a new apartment to move into in just a couple weeks... A new everything. Who had time to be sad and scared and bereft? I had to pack! I had to make good marks in my new job so I could *afford* the new apartment. Hell, I did so good I got a promotion within 2 months of starting on the phones, unheard of!
I went to therapy, but I didn't really grieve there either. We talked about meds, about daily living skills (hey you- shower) we talked about my anxiety... we talked about my new relationships.... but I only once really talked about my dad. I brought it out, like they told me to, I showed everyone my broken heart and then I put it all away again, safe and sound.
Well, it just won't stay put away now. As much as I'd like to bury it, it won't stay. Keeps digging itself back out of the dirt.
I guess it's time to face it down.
Listened to my Marc Cohn CD today. The one that Lex and I always listened to...
There's a stranger in a car
Driving down your street
Acts like he knows who you are
Slaps his hand on the empty seat and says
"Are you gonna get in
Or are you gonna stay out?"
Just a stranger in a car
Might be the one they told you about
Well you never were one for cautiousness
You open the door
He gives you a tender kiss
And you can't even hear them no more --
All the voices of choices
Now only one road remains
And strangers in a car
Two hearts
Two souls
Tonight
Two lanes
You don't know where you're goin'
You don't know what you're doin'
Hell it might be the highway to heaven
And it might be the road to ruin
But this is a song
For strangers in a car
Baby maybe that's all
We really are
Strangers in a car
(Driving down your street)
Just strangers in a car
(Driving down your street)
Strangers in a car
~Marc Cohn, Strangers in a car.
cried at work while sitting at my desk.
i miss my dad.
A lot.
Wrote an angry letter to my x that I'll never send.
I'm not really angry.
I'm sad.
But it felt good to get it all out.
I'm mostly angry that he wasn't there when I needed him the most.
No one I can really blame that on.
The break up and my dad's death are somehow tied to each other in my mind, even though they happened months apart. We broke up the week before my dad went into ICU.
But in my heart it's like the 2 most important men in my life both left me at the same time.
I feel so abandoned.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have two very sweet men in my life right now. They've been more than kind.
I just miss what my life was 18 months ago. Before it all fell apart. Before I became who I am now.
I'm not sure I like who I am right now.
I've become bitter. More bitter than ever before. I've become distant. Casual. Angry. Callused.
Right now, the only thing I remember about loving is the pain that follows it.
I know I'm not being myself lately. People are worried. Hell, my step-dad asked my mom to check in on me because they hadn't heard from me in a while. For those of you who know the relationship between me and my step-dad, that's really saying something.
All I can say is, try not to worry. Where ever I end up, it's got to be a better place than I started. I was told there was a spiritual journey on its way to me and I think it's here.
I'm so angry with the gods right now. Why did they take my daddy away from me? Why did they leave me without arms to comfort me when I needed them most? Why didn't I just die too? It felt like I would. I thought my heart would burst and kill me. Well, it didn't kill me. It just broke my heart for good. I don't know if it can be fixed.
This is so belated, all this grief. I didn't do this a year ago, who had time? I had a new job, a new apartment to move into in just a couple weeks... A new everything. Who had time to be sad and scared and bereft? I had to pack! I had to make good marks in my new job so I could *afford* the new apartment. Hell, I did so good I got a promotion within 2 months of starting on the phones, unheard of!
I went to therapy, but I didn't really grieve there either. We talked about meds, about daily living skills (hey you- shower) we talked about my anxiety... we talked about my new relationships.... but I only once really talked about my dad. I brought it out, like they told me to, I showed everyone my broken heart and then I put it all away again, safe and sound.
Well, it just won't stay put away now. As much as I'd like to bury it, it won't stay. Keeps digging itself back out of the dirt.
I guess it's time to face it down.
Listened to my Marc Cohn CD today. The one that Lex and I always listened to...
There's a stranger in a car
Driving down your street
Acts like he knows who you are
Slaps his hand on the empty seat and says
"Are you gonna get in
Or are you gonna stay out?"
Just a stranger in a car
Might be the one they told you about
Well you never were one for cautiousness
You open the door
He gives you a tender kiss
And you can't even hear them no more --
All the voices of choices
Now only one road remains
And strangers in a car
Two hearts
Two souls
Tonight
Two lanes
You don't know where you're goin'
You don't know what you're doin'
Hell it might be the highway to heaven
And it might be the road to ruin
But this is a song
For strangers in a car
Baby maybe that's all
We really are
Strangers in a car
(Driving down your street)
Just strangers in a car
(Driving down your street)
Strangers in a car
~Marc Cohn, Strangers in a car.