Therapy and roommates and stuff.
I'm getting a roommate this weekend. I'm pretty excited about it, even if it is only temporary. Temporary is a relative term, 2-4 months is the estimate at this time...
Sam has been great, taking my car for the day so I don't have to pay for parking, but still get to drive to therapy. Tonight she helped me get the bedroom ready for her move, got the laundry all in one pile, clean clothes put away and 3 dresser drawers cleaned out for her. There's a pile of her stuff in my living room and it makes me feel good.
I've already had my brain shoot me a warning about how I might feel when she does get her own place, but lets be honest, I'm living in the moment right now, and I don't have a clue where I might be myself in 2 to 4 months.
I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'm sick. My Dr filled out paper work for me today that said I would not be returning to work in the "forseeable future". I must really, truely and honestly be sick. I keep saying "I'm not bleeding from my eyeballs so I must be ok"
But Sam said something tonight that really kind of scared me. I am dealing with an illness that can be fatal. Suicide is the way depression kills you.
Fuck. I'm sick.
I made appts to meet with a therapist who also does DBT, so I'm feeling rather good about that. I'm still terrified of both returning to work and not returning to work.
Goes back to the sick thing. If I don't go back to work, I must really be sick. And I'm terrified of going back, because honestly, I don't think I can do it right now. I have a hard time taking a fucking shower once a week.... keeping my apt clean, feeding myself and taking care of my cats. How the hell am I supposed to hold down a job when just getting dressed in the morning sometimes takes all I've got?
I'm fucking crying all the time, that doesn't help much either. So I feel trapped. I'm fucked either way. Go back to work and fail, or don't go back... and ...... what?
I just want a normal life. I'm not talking socially acceptable, soccer mom sort of life, I'm talking have friends and loved ones, real relationships that don't hurt and financially comfortable enough to buy brand names at the grocery store if I want to. To have enough money to pay the bills, take my cats to the vet and myself to the dr, to afford new glasses when I need them and all that good stuff.
*sigh* ok, I really just need to go take my meds...... and try to eat something so I don't throw up again in the middle of the night.... Maybe tonight I'll actually get some sleep?
Sam has been great, taking my car for the day so I don't have to pay for parking, but still get to drive to therapy. Tonight she helped me get the bedroom ready for her move, got the laundry all in one pile, clean clothes put away and 3 dresser drawers cleaned out for her. There's a pile of her stuff in my living room and it makes me feel good.
I've already had my brain shoot me a warning about how I might feel when she does get her own place, but lets be honest, I'm living in the moment right now, and I don't have a clue where I might be myself in 2 to 4 months.
I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'm sick. My Dr filled out paper work for me today that said I would not be returning to work in the "forseeable future". I must really, truely and honestly be sick. I keep saying "I'm not bleeding from my eyeballs so I must be ok"
But Sam said something tonight that really kind of scared me. I am dealing with an illness that can be fatal. Suicide is the way depression kills you.
Fuck. I'm sick.
I made appts to meet with a therapist who also does DBT, so I'm feeling rather good about that. I'm still terrified of both returning to work and not returning to work.
Goes back to the sick thing. If I don't go back to work, I must really be sick. And I'm terrified of going back, because honestly, I don't think I can do it right now. I have a hard time taking a fucking shower once a week.... keeping my apt clean, feeding myself and taking care of my cats. How the hell am I supposed to hold down a job when just getting dressed in the morning sometimes takes all I've got?
I'm fucking crying all the time, that doesn't help much either. So I feel trapped. I'm fucked either way. Go back to work and fail, or don't go back... and ...... what?
I just want a normal life. I'm not talking socially acceptable, soccer mom sort of life, I'm talking have friends and loved ones, real relationships that don't hurt and financially comfortable enough to buy brand names at the grocery store if I want to. To have enough money to pay the bills, take my cats to the vet and myself to the dr, to afford new glasses when I need them and all that good stuff.
*sigh* ok, I really just need to go take my meds...... and try to eat something so I don't throw up again in the middle of the night.... Maybe tonight I'll actually get some sleep?