crazy times
Jeez what a couple of days. Yesterday most of my family showed up for the shower. We all had dinner at jason's house. Its such a legit house. Four bedroom dream home. We ordered pizza and I made ribeye steaks on the perfect weber grill outside. I learn so much from my family I dont know how i could ever let them know just how important they are all to me. So jason and i played hosts to a family function. I cooked, he bought, i filled drinks, he provided the space, I cleaned, and we both entertained. First time. We have always been the kids. This is one of the first times that we really provided the family function instead of just attended it. It was quite an experience. It felt great. I ended up staying up till about five in the morning talking to jaeeun. It wasn't the best of talks. Basically I failed to make her happy. She forgave me though. I love her. So today was the baby shower. It was ok. But afterwards most of us went to a nice resteraunt that serves alcohol :). Thats where i could truly shine. We had a great meal and I got rather drunk. It is so wonderful for me to see my mom's side and my dad's side of the family hang out. The wedding was the first time in my life that I have seen that. This baby shower is the second. I am finally confident that my two family's are finaly merging. I will always be so grateful to jason for creating the opertunities for our two families to unite. Its a wonderful time in our family history. Not only is jason married and having a child but it is bringing together so many wonderful people. When i grew up a split family just seemed normal. It was what I was used to. I could never imagine the pure and utter joy that has come to me from seeing all my family together. Watching andy interact with my dads mother is something that has never happened in my life. Its so wondeful. Its not like times were bad before. Its just the more the marrier in my book. Jan and I had a wonderful talk. She is so cute. She kept smoking my cloves telling me about how she used to smoke them when she was younger with her friend kim. I love jan and we really sorted out some old emotions and really discussed some of our older issues with a much more mature point of view. She loves me and my unique sense of self and really thinks i am amazing because of how comfertable i am in my own skin. Hearing her say that made me so happy. I have always respected jans kindness. She is such a caring individual and has become quite happy and life affirming as she has gotten older. She told me how wonderful she feels my mom's side of the family is. I told her how much all of them mean to me especially my papa. My mom's father. He has always been such an inspiration for me in my life. If i could be half the man he is then i would consider myself lucky. I was sitting on a pile of wood in jasons driveway crosslegged today. Papa told me that I looked like the buddha sitting there and that i exuded wisdom and serenity. He is very religous. He believes in god and jesus. For him to say that to me tells me that he cares for me very much. I was extremely flattered and nearly brought to tears. For someone who i respect so much to say something like that to me meant so much to me. Jan understood when i told her what papa said. My brother would have understood if he was there. My mother, andy, memaw, sharon, steven, all these people would understand how honored i felt when i told them what papa said. My father said "yeah he is demented" and laughed his shitty uncomfertable laugh. It made me feel horrible. Then I told myself that he was just joking and that he is just incapable of expressing himself in a proper way. I feel like he is uncapable of giving me any credit vocally. His actions tell me that he is proud of me and loves me. But he can't seem to ever say it or even say things that would imply it. Like "Papa said that to you? Hmm how nice of him". You think dad would feel flattered that someone as accomplished as papa would think I am like the buddha in some way. I don't know how long it will take for me to learn to accept and love my father for the way he is. But as of right now he makes me feel low sometimes.