step 1: embracing the concept of uncertainty
Today is great tea weather. It feels foreign, I like foreign, I feel like I need some foreign now. I'm looking forward to going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks. I've also started to seriously consider an Asia Trip once I'm done with school. I'm been thinking about this, I end school in 7 months. After 1.5 years and $25k, I'll officially be a university graduate. Sometimes I wonder if I even needed to go to school, am I really so unsure of my personal abilities that I have to rely on a piece of expensive paper to back myself up? I don't know.
The one problem I find with myself is that I am constantly dancing with interests and issues. I could be well-read but I'm not because I don't particularly enjoy reading any specific type of book. I could be well cultured but I don't have the interest to sustain watching classical performances. I enjoy music, but music is just music to me; I like listening to it, I like discovering new music, music that I can relate to but I don't have it turned on constantly. I like the news, I like welfare, I like the idea of equality, I like the idea of giving back to the community, I subscribe to 101 beliefs that I can/cannot defend depending on how eloquent I find myself on that day. I hate some things I have to do like waiting tables and providing customer service but I can't imagine giving it up because I feel responsible for earning extra money. I find myself irritatingly irrational and sometimes I lose interest in finishing up what I have to say mid-sentence. Sometimes I feel like I can help my family beat everything we've got against us, sometimes I just want to give up and be frivolous. I don't indulge enough and I indulge too much.
Simply typing out the past paragraph annoyed the hell out of me. It is like I have no personality or too many bits and pieces, sometimes I feel like I'm incomplete. I guess its true because in a sense we are always incomplete. We grow as time passes and pick up things as we evolve, but sometimes I wish I knew enough because it feels like I know nothing and I don't like feeling this way.
Either way, once I'm done with school; what's next? There is so much in my life I need/want to do. Travel being the ultimate goal. Can I put traveling off or will I end up old and bored and with the wish that "I traveled when I had the time" To what point does commitment become a lifetime issue or has it already become so.
I always assume that I'm working toward the ultimate goal of finally having enough to take a break without putting my family at risk. But what if one day is NEVER. When there is more money, there are more needs. I saw this quite clearly when I got lucky and found a high-paying job for 4 months.
How will I know if one day is too late? While I have to say that I've never really had to give up anything really important to me such as my friends or partying, I do wish I had more of that and less of rushing around after work and turning down friends since I started at two jobs in 2008. Its not like I max out ALL of my time working and I could work more if I wanted to, I'm not saying I'm in a situation where I have no choice but to juggle around 1 day job and night job + school, I'm aware that things could be worse. I am aware there are issues larger and harder than what I have to face but as a person I'm kinda exhausted and I'm kind of wondering how you know when its time to take a break.
Any smart answers?
Oh! Anyways, by the way Ale! I'm still thinking about "not all who wander are lost" so i googled it and I found that its a quote most commonly (possibly originally) quoted in this form.
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.”
--JRR Tolkien
Upon additional googling and going through numerous Lord of the Rings fan-sites and forums. I've come upon a pretty good conclusion on why one can wander and not be lost. Because as you wander, you gain certain things ; such as knowledge, experience and a wider view of the world and thus you should not be said to be lost but in fact you are finding things that if you did not wander would otherwise miss out on. Therefore! Wandering does not always equal being lost but simply being in the process of constant learning.
(Of course this was like linked to theories about how the characters in Lord of the Rings are either WANDERERS or EMBRACERS) but seriously, I have NOT read a single Lord of the Rings book nor have I watched any of the movies so I couldn't really relate to that at all, too lazy)
I now end my caffeine and conversation fueled typing to indulge in something mindless or maybe sleep since its 420am and perfect weather.
G'night yall.