wow... just wow.
So today..well i guess technically yesterday was my birthday and for all intensive purposes it was sort of lame... but yet at the same time not...
I find myself this evening woefully unable to drift off to sleep, and as i lay next to my snoring, sleeping-like -a-baby wife, I find myself drifting into my mind to the past.. and thinking about all of my failures, all of the horrible crap that i went through in my teen years... just the mess that my life used to be, and i'm haunted by the fact that i totally wasted about 6 years of my life. Yet simultaneously, i'm thankful that i did. It's just amazing to me how things ended up happening, and all things fell into place to get me to the point to where i'm at now. It's times like this especially that i can't imagine ever thinking that there was not in fact a very real God who is in control of it all.
I've just had one of those nights where you come to gain a new appreciation for what you have, realizing that is hasn't always been this way. I remember as if it were yesterday long sleepless nights where i wondered if i would ever be delivered from the sickening feeling of utter and complete worthlessness that seemed to follow me no matter what i did or said. The endless trail of pipe dreams that never came to pass, always talking about some new project or idea, constantly coming up with some kind of plan to make my life better and more meaningful. Yet throughout it all, realizing in everything that i did that life and all that was in it was nothing more than vanity. It's amazing that i didn't come to the conclusion that I eventually ended up coming to years before i did. That everything here and now is vanity. It's all pointless if there's no God. If life as we know it is all about what we have here, and what we do here than we are of all men most miserable. And you know what the funny thing is? The minute that i realized the truth of the passing nature of the natural realm in which we reside - this earth, this world with an appointed end, things actually did become enjoyable. My life actually became better than it ever has, I have been given a place of my own, an awesome job where i can be creative and work my own hours, A wife, and a son... but i only gained those things when i stopped focusing on myself, and bettering my own existence and dedicated my time and energy to seeking the one that created me.
It's actually quite an oxymoron when one reasons it out... It would seem to most that by laying down your life for Christ, you are being disadvantaged, yet it's actually the best thing that you can ever do for yourself. Because God's servants are rewarded infinitely more than they give up. It's actually an advantage to you to humble yourself... quite a paradox when it comes to the reasoning of the flesh.....
Anyways, i haven't written in this thing in ages and i just felt lead to for some reason, i was feeling strangely nostalgic... and i wanted to express myself in writing mostly so i could sort things out in my head...
I find myself this evening woefully unable to drift off to sleep, and as i lay next to my snoring, sleeping-like -a-baby wife, I find myself drifting into my mind to the past.. and thinking about all of my failures, all of the horrible crap that i went through in my teen years... just the mess that my life used to be, and i'm haunted by the fact that i totally wasted about 6 years of my life. Yet simultaneously, i'm thankful that i did. It's just amazing to me how things ended up happening, and all things fell into place to get me to the point to where i'm at now. It's times like this especially that i can't imagine ever thinking that there was not in fact a very real God who is in control of it all.
I've just had one of those nights where you come to gain a new appreciation for what you have, realizing that is hasn't always been this way. I remember as if it were yesterday long sleepless nights where i wondered if i would ever be delivered from the sickening feeling of utter and complete worthlessness that seemed to follow me no matter what i did or said. The endless trail of pipe dreams that never came to pass, always talking about some new project or idea, constantly coming up with some kind of plan to make my life better and more meaningful. Yet throughout it all, realizing in everything that i did that life and all that was in it was nothing more than vanity. It's amazing that i didn't come to the conclusion that I eventually ended up coming to years before i did. That everything here and now is vanity. It's all pointless if there's no God. If life as we know it is all about what we have here, and what we do here than we are of all men most miserable. And you know what the funny thing is? The minute that i realized the truth of the passing nature of the natural realm in which we reside - this earth, this world with an appointed end, things actually did become enjoyable. My life actually became better than it ever has, I have been given a place of my own, an awesome job where i can be creative and work my own hours, A wife, and a son... but i only gained those things when i stopped focusing on myself, and bettering my own existence and dedicated my time and energy to seeking the one that created me.
It's actually quite an oxymoron when one reasons it out... It would seem to most that by laying down your life for Christ, you are being disadvantaged, yet it's actually the best thing that you can ever do for yourself. Because God's servants are rewarded infinitely more than they give up. It's actually an advantage to you to humble yourself... quite a paradox when it comes to the reasoning of the flesh.....
Anyways, i haven't written in this thing in ages and i just felt lead to for some reason, i was feeling strangely nostalgic... and i wanted to express myself in writing mostly so i could sort things out in my head...