sometimes i cant even see the screen through blurry eyes

[_burn_bridges_]

i can't sleep. some people never get what they deserve, and some do. and sometimes i just feel like putting on my lead swim trunks and jumping off the deep end. i just wish i was as invincible as i pretend to be. its so much easier to make myself out to be so goddamn ironclad, and its ironic that its so hard to admit that im not. i dont know if ive ever been this vulnerable. i may have one night left to save a friendship and im terrified. i can postpone the thoughts...fill in the blanks with tv and music, but its still there. she haunts me so bad. and its almost as if im asking for it. kind of like when i listen to some songs knowing that their going to make me feel so empty. there are a few. and she's one, and im afraid that's all she'll become; a song that makes me feel empty.

but in all honesty if i didnt have this to complain about then what would i have? what if she came around. then what? ive got nothing to bitch about. would i miss that? its so strange to think that it's possible. or even if she did, that damn girl is destine to destroy me, but in such a splendid fashion...it may just be worth it. but for that to happen she'll have to answer her phone eventually...
thats why i call dialing her numbers 'shooting for the stars' because id have a better chance of landing on the sun. id go down in a blaze of glory though

im actually listening to songs right now. kind of like a soundtrack to how pathetic this whole thing is. but the songs are of high quality
rufus wainright-hallelujah
modest mouse-the world at large
those two tear me to pieces
not as well as you do though

love
tony