Balancing Act.

[_bryan]

Sometimes things are just the way you want them. You want to just freeze it, spend another five minutes in that bliss and once it's up, just stab yourself as deep as your conscious will let you until your body takes over forcing you to pass out and lose all strength from the grip that was just more than you. Those times your heart is beating it's hardest, making up for the beats missed when it all started. Those around you see it, especially those who know you. Know pain that you've endoured and have seen the side that you never showed them. Now if it were only nice that people were around that knew me. Now only those who know me. I am a ball of emotion as I have always been, but losing the ones that I love the most. I'm growing too much but it's partly why I've been happier lately than the latter of it. I'm an assistant director of technology for a national company and I was just put in by my boss to become the director. I wear a suit to work, I have my own office, executive title, I love my paycheck, and I fly on our private jet. I live in a beautiful home with an amazing girl and out of all places, vegas. I am getting great grades in school and have passed another certification to place on my wall of accomplishments. I just bought a new car and didn't settle for one that I didn't want and just got back from a vacation from california. I helped Trace put up a christmas tree yesturday and look forward to spending our first christmas and new years together.
I have my up days and down days like everyone does. I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want fucking down days. I don't like my fucking down days. I don't like people turning my up days into down days and fucking I hate my down days when the people I want to turn it up are time zones away.
_i have little to be upset about, i am the consciously happy that i've ever been. I just want to share it with people I love.

I just want to be home for the holidays. No happiness can take that sadness away.

_I am at where I want with my life and it's only getting better, it's just at a price.