im on a tangent...
it's late and i am not rested and this will sound like a train wreck.
i have been called a hypocrite 3 out of the past 4 days. i can't stand hypocrites. so don't label me as one. i have done nothing. this is stupid and pointless anyways. i guess that is why we have high school though, right? for stupid and pointless situations and arguments and relationships. what would we do without highschool? we wouldn't learn a damn thing, that's for sure. i'm not saying we learn in class. we learn out of class from our peers. that is the kind of knowledge we gain in highschool. the kind that will contradict math equations and science and "truth". i effing hate it...high school that is. and i'm awaiting to leave.
existence is what allows us to have the things we have and live life however we choose yet we often do not appreciate our existence. we overlook it. we take it for granted. i've realized that i overanalyze every situation in my life. i overanalyze your words and your tone and your looks and your subtle comments that make me cringe and make me happy all at the same time. i have to find an answer for everything, and if it isn't there, i convince myself of a false one. just to settle my doubts or worries. i hear laughing in the room next to me and it is my mom and her guy friend. they laugh all the time. they share their stories and their embarrising moments and their good and bad days. i tend to stay away because for some reason i don't feel like laughing all that much lately. it seems everyone has a mood that they go through where they could just care less and i know that right now i am in that mood. not that i could care less about life... but i could care less about the things in it right now. it's selfish and cliche i know but it's part of growing up and it's part of learning and it's part of shaping yourself. they are talking of beauty and what defines beauty. they are saying that "beauty" is an overused word. i see it as overused and under emphasized. we use it too often, however, it is hardly ever used in the way it should be. beauty is special and beauty is pure and beauty is real. many things today aren't real and hardly anything is pure. once you find something, real and pure.. you have found beauty. you have struck gold. whoever said ignorance is bliss was either a dreamer or they have had their heart broken. or both. 'ignorance is bliss', is the most ludicrous statement i have ever heard. unless it comes to love and love lost. then ignorance proves all too healthy. right now in my life everything seems to be a blurr. nothing is real. i picture myself walking down the halls and i hear music. i hear the monotanous drone of that old record playing and i see colors. i see blue and yellow and green and brown and black. an ugly combination but somehow it all portrays purity and gives me a sense of hightened awareness and extacy. it's funny how music can change your mood so abruptly. i listen to a mellow song that gives me no cares and i speak of colors. i listen to a mellow song that gives me a reason to keep pursuing love and it makes me sick. you don't pursue love..you let it come to you. you wait and you wait until you find it and once you do.. you know you have it. music will be my lifeblood and it will be the death of me. somehow both of these statements will turn true. when i look back on everything..there is only one thing that actually matters to me and only one thing that should be important to me. it is my existence. without existence i have nothing. i am content to be existing and i am content with what i possess. i couldn't ask for more and it upsets me to see ungreatful teenagers who just want more and more. there is no sense of contentment and thankfulness. there is no appreciation of existence. i could go on forever because i am in that kind of mood where everything that has been bottled up in my head can no longer contain itself. it is all spilling out like cheap wine into a poor mans throat. i won't go on forever because then i will start to question and that will bring me back to where i was 10 minutes ago. i have accomplished nothing, i have learned nothing and i have gained nothing but i have accepted and appreciated my existence and that is fullfilling.
i'm sorry if you read that. i ramble about things i don't even understand so i am sure none of that made any sense. i sure have no idea what i was talking about. i'm sorry i am so random.
i don't know. things are weird. and people make me angry. including myself. i change my mind too often and to impulsively. i'm sorry for that too. and i apologize tooo much. so nevermind, eff you.
i have been called a hypocrite 3 out of the past 4 days. i can't stand hypocrites. so don't label me as one. i have done nothing. this is stupid and pointless anyways. i guess that is why we have high school though, right? for stupid and pointless situations and arguments and relationships. what would we do without highschool? we wouldn't learn a damn thing, that's for sure. i'm not saying we learn in class. we learn out of class from our peers. that is the kind of knowledge we gain in highschool. the kind that will contradict math equations and science and "truth". i effing hate it...high school that is. and i'm awaiting to leave.
existence is what allows us to have the things we have and live life however we choose yet we often do not appreciate our existence. we overlook it. we take it for granted. i've realized that i overanalyze every situation in my life. i overanalyze your words and your tone and your looks and your subtle comments that make me cringe and make me happy all at the same time. i have to find an answer for everything, and if it isn't there, i convince myself of a false one. just to settle my doubts or worries. i hear laughing in the room next to me and it is my mom and her guy friend. they laugh all the time. they share their stories and their embarrising moments and their good and bad days. i tend to stay away because for some reason i don't feel like laughing all that much lately. it seems everyone has a mood that they go through where they could just care less and i know that right now i am in that mood. not that i could care less about life... but i could care less about the things in it right now. it's selfish and cliche i know but it's part of growing up and it's part of learning and it's part of shaping yourself. they are talking of beauty and what defines beauty. they are saying that "beauty" is an overused word. i see it as overused and under emphasized. we use it too often, however, it is hardly ever used in the way it should be. beauty is special and beauty is pure and beauty is real. many things today aren't real and hardly anything is pure. once you find something, real and pure.. you have found beauty. you have struck gold. whoever said ignorance is bliss was either a dreamer or they have had their heart broken. or both. 'ignorance is bliss', is the most ludicrous statement i have ever heard. unless it comes to love and love lost. then ignorance proves all too healthy. right now in my life everything seems to be a blurr. nothing is real. i picture myself walking down the halls and i hear music. i hear the monotanous drone of that old record playing and i see colors. i see blue and yellow and green and brown and black. an ugly combination but somehow it all portrays purity and gives me a sense of hightened awareness and extacy. it's funny how music can change your mood so abruptly. i listen to a mellow song that gives me no cares and i speak of colors. i listen to a mellow song that gives me a reason to keep pursuing love and it makes me sick. you don't pursue love..you let it come to you. you wait and you wait until you find it and once you do.. you know you have it. music will be my lifeblood and it will be the death of me. somehow both of these statements will turn true. when i look back on everything..there is only one thing that actually matters to me and only one thing that should be important to me. it is my existence. without existence i have nothing. i am content to be existing and i am content with what i possess. i couldn't ask for more and it upsets me to see ungreatful teenagers who just want more and more. there is no sense of contentment and thankfulness. there is no appreciation of existence. i could go on forever because i am in that kind of mood where everything that has been bottled up in my head can no longer contain itself. it is all spilling out like cheap wine into a poor mans throat. i won't go on forever because then i will start to question and that will bring me back to where i was 10 minutes ago. i have accomplished nothing, i have learned nothing and i have gained nothing but i have accepted and appreciated my existence and that is fullfilling.
i'm sorry if you read that. i ramble about things i don't even understand so i am sure none of that made any sense. i sure have no idea what i was talking about. i'm sorry i am so random.
i don't know. things are weird. and people make me angry. including myself. i change my mind too often and to impulsively. i'm sorry for that too. and i apologize tooo much. so nevermind, eff you.