jesus christ
every time i read this now i am high as fuck and its so sad what i felt in my life lol like i don't know anyone who was more depressed than me in highschool and its so obvious when i read this. How the fuck am I alive?
It seriously baffles me. And that is SO sad.
There are literally multiple entries in this thing that talk about me wanting to kill myself over Nick and me's relationship.
And also, I know that is not the correct "english" sentence but you know what I mean. Well obviously not because this is a blog.... but seriously.
Like and here I am still listening to fucking Charli XCX love songs about you're the only one and I STILL AM SITTING HERE THINKING OF HIM!
WHAT THE FuCK IS WRONG WITH ME! Ha I just really wonder if this is ever going to end..
Man.
I have felt this way for 7 years. That is pretty fucking pathetic. But I mean I guess he thinks of me too because this is my life still.
but anyways, despite that factor that I can't stop thinking about the same person, my life.
HOW did no one see these signs? Why did no one help me is my real question.
How baffled am I right now.
I seriously don't understand why my parents didn't send me to a therapist or something.
Am I that good of an actor?
Should I persue a career in acting because I really hate logistics.
Hmmmm.
And the even sadder thing is how much I felt the same way I describe in this shit over the past year. And I literally remember having this conversation with my dad and sister a few months ago... about how all of us had multiple thoughts like that this year. Not that any of us would ever do it I really think we all respect each other too much to do that to each other. I would not ever do that because of the way it would make other people feel. That shit is selfish I'm sorry but no.
but I mean I definitely have some crazy shit going through my mind and I really wonder how many people think I really want to kill myself... I really dont yall. But I really do remember Lyndsay telling me her and Nick had a conversation about that before.... like he was only with me because he thought I was going to kill myself. And that's fucked up but i mean deep down I know he was right.... Like seriously if we never got back together in hgih school what the fuck would have happened. I was so fucking depressed. I literally remember waking up in the mornings and going to sleep at night hoping I wouldnt...
Why do I feel so fucking much. It sucks man. It sucks being a negative Nancy and I'm even being one right now saying how much everything sucks....
Like why can't I just be happy! My life isn't that bad..
And here I am thinking about this and the only thing I can fucking think about is NIck.
WHY do I LOVE HIM.
WHY.
Why....
I don't get it. I don't get my heart or the emotions I feel or why it is such a fucking struggle for me to move on.
I'm literally moving to California in a few months... seriously its so close that i could say in a few weeks.
Also I think I have carpaltunnel.
Also I definitely have ADD how do I just switch subjects like this?
Lolz.
Also look now I'm laughing after I just had a heart-to-heart with my computer blog about how I wanted to die when I was 17.
Maybe I was just too into Blink 182 and Interpol.
OR MAYBE I WAS JUST HEARTBROKEN!
And still I am but at least at age 22 I can see that this is a little bit past what it used to be and part of me just doesn't give a fuck anymore.
But also it really sucks that I literally don't care about things any more. Like even sitting here typing shit I am trying to think about things I care about and I really don't fucking know. I care about pollution and watching the sun rise in the moring tomorrow and hoping that it's warm out so I can go to the beach when I get off work from my shitty job at Mojos for my 21st shift in a fucking row. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open/Double. Close. Double. Repeat.
FUCK!
Whatever man
See..... don't even fucking care.
cause I'm a muthafuckinnnn renegadeeeeeeee!
(emeniem voice)
Lolz.
Ok whatever man. Now it's midnight and I've been sitting on livejournal changing my shit to private because it's so depressing and all about Nick..... literally wrote in this a week ago. LOL. Who am I and what am I doing with my life?
I don't know and I dont care.
Just please God let me get some sort of job that I can do art in and be happy and pay my bills thats all I ask I dont even give a fuck about having an awesome house or a Bentley I just want to be able to go down by the beach and sit by the palm trees and hopefully it's with someone I love but if not then I understand and i just hope i can find happiness....
The end.
It seriously baffles me. And that is SO sad.
There are literally multiple entries in this thing that talk about me wanting to kill myself over Nick and me's relationship.
And also, I know that is not the correct "english" sentence but you know what I mean. Well obviously not because this is a blog.... but seriously.
Like and here I am still listening to fucking Charli XCX love songs about you're the only one and I STILL AM SITTING HERE THINKING OF HIM!
WHAT THE FuCK IS WRONG WITH ME! Ha I just really wonder if this is ever going to end..
Man.
I have felt this way for 7 years. That is pretty fucking pathetic. But I mean I guess he thinks of me too because this is my life still.
but anyways, despite that factor that I can't stop thinking about the same person, my life.
HOW did no one see these signs? Why did no one help me is my real question.
How baffled am I right now.
I seriously don't understand why my parents didn't send me to a therapist or something.
Am I that good of an actor?
Should I persue a career in acting because I really hate logistics.
Hmmmm.
And the even sadder thing is how much I felt the same way I describe in this shit over the past year. And I literally remember having this conversation with my dad and sister a few months ago... about how all of us had multiple thoughts like that this year. Not that any of us would ever do it I really think we all respect each other too much to do that to each other. I would not ever do that because of the way it would make other people feel. That shit is selfish I'm sorry but no.
but I mean I definitely have some crazy shit going through my mind and I really wonder how many people think I really want to kill myself... I really dont yall. But I really do remember Lyndsay telling me her and Nick had a conversation about that before.... like he was only with me because he thought I was going to kill myself. And that's fucked up but i mean deep down I know he was right.... Like seriously if we never got back together in hgih school what the fuck would have happened. I was so fucking depressed. I literally remember waking up in the mornings and going to sleep at night hoping I wouldnt...
Why do I feel so fucking much. It sucks man. It sucks being a negative Nancy and I'm even being one right now saying how much everything sucks....
Like why can't I just be happy! My life isn't that bad..
And here I am thinking about this and the only thing I can fucking think about is NIck.
WHY do I LOVE HIM.
WHY.
Why....
I don't get it. I don't get my heart or the emotions I feel or why it is such a fucking struggle for me to move on.
I'm literally moving to California in a few months... seriously its so close that i could say in a few weeks.
Also I think I have carpaltunnel.
Also I definitely have ADD how do I just switch subjects like this?
Lolz.
Also look now I'm laughing after I just had a heart-to-heart with my computer blog about how I wanted to die when I was 17.
Maybe I was just too into Blink 182 and Interpol.
OR MAYBE I WAS JUST HEARTBROKEN!
And still I am but at least at age 22 I can see that this is a little bit past what it used to be and part of me just doesn't give a fuck anymore.
But also it really sucks that I literally don't care about things any more. Like even sitting here typing shit I am trying to think about things I care about and I really don't fucking know. I care about pollution and watching the sun rise in the moring tomorrow and hoping that it's warm out so I can go to the beach when I get off work from my shitty job at Mojos for my 21st shift in a fucking row. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open/Double. Close. Double. Repeat.
FUCK!
Whatever man
See..... don't even fucking care.
cause I'm a muthafuckinnnn renegadeeeeeeee!
(emeniem voice)
Lolz.
Ok whatever man. Now it's midnight and I've been sitting on livejournal changing my shit to private because it's so depressing and all about Nick..... literally wrote in this a week ago. LOL. Who am I and what am I doing with my life?
I don't know and I dont care.
Just please God let me get some sort of job that I can do art in and be happy and pay my bills thats all I ask I dont even give a fuck about having an awesome house or a Bentley I just want to be able to go down by the beach and sit by the palm trees and hopefully it's with someone I love but if not then I understand and i just hope i can find happiness....
The end.