Time lapse
JI think I'm going to start writing in this again. At least I can get my thoughts out because I surely can't talk to anyone about this. Theres no point.
B A S I C A L L Y
I just feel stuck. I really want to move. I know I keep saying I'm going to but I've been so scared and up until about 3 months ago its like I was waiting for someone to move with me or that I was going to reconnect with Nick and end up with him in California. But then I decided I really want to move to LA. I really love Los Angeles and I told Nick that when we would talk about things. Dont get me wrong, I love San Diego but it's just the weather there is cool. LA is cool and hot so its like not so much different weatherwise from Jacksonville it's just like 10 degrees cooler and its nice there at all times. I also really like the fashion sense there, and i just have always felt like my heart was meant for a big city life, and that's what LA is. City of dreams.
So pretty much I decided I'm going to move there. And I've wanted to move since I was 16 so this is it. This is for me. This is what I'm doing. I absolutely DO NOT want to be here in Jacksonville for the rest of my life because there is so much more in the world to experience. I cannot stress that enough. I love the world so much and I want to see it all. LA is perfect for me. I have ambitions. I am developing a plan. I am gonna move in May 2014 That's basically it. Then I will be living there, hopefully have a job and be making big money. I am going to try to find a place/job the first few weeks there if I dont already have one set up, which thanks to networking I should have one.
Basically my career is about networking. and I really hope that i'm good at my job so i can advance and just prevail towards my dreams. which i guess is what i need to start planning. i need to figure out the main steps to making my dreams a reality. one time i read that to become who they are, the famous and rich people had to obviously start from nothing unless they were related to a famous person who got them the hook up aka emma roberts who i love so fuck it i mean its working for her but just back to what im saying is everyone starts from nothing and has to build their empire. thats what i want to do. its going to be hard but in the end i know i will have worked for what i have. its nice having parents who gave me the life i had growing up but i really work for everything i have. i pay my own rent. i buy everything i have including my $16,000 car that i paid for, i bought my dog i pay my phone bill since i was 19. real shit. I fucking cant stand people who complain about their money but they dont even pay their bills. get real. shut the fuck up. i pay almost $850 a month in bills plus food and other shit and i still have a ton of money saved.
ITS CALLED RESPONSIBILITY you fuck asses.
anyways......... I just can't wait to get out of what i feel right now. I get so down on myself and i dont know why i treat myself like i suck because i really dont. i know i have alot going for me. i am a bright person. im responsible. i'm nice. im giving and im really motivated. i guess i do it because ive been shot down so much and torn in half. ive been rejected a lot and i really think its why i am how i am... i just wish i could snap out of it. i try man. i try to make myself happier and i try to overcome my past and i really try to get over nick but its just like not happening.
thats my main problem really. i just still am in love with him i love him to the moon and back i think about him from the second i wake up until i go to sleep at night and it doesnt matter who i talk to throughout the day or what people i preoccupy myself with because in the end hes what i think about. and someone tried to talk to me abot it and had such a good perspective is basically why do i make him out to be a God? I really dont know what my problem is. I can list a million good things about him but also a million bad ones. and the disrespectful relationship i had for so long is a pure reason for me to not even give a shit about this stuff but i do and i just never could fuckin let it go because i was so in love with him. Ive never felt like that about anyone. I could do anything with him and be 110% content with it and happy! We literally sat in the dark with a flashlight making hand puppets.....
come on. if thats not love i don't know what is. and i just fucking wish things were different. I wish he had a better head on his shoulders. I know he is a good person and he is very genuine when it comes to the things that matter, like he will help a bum on the street or he will fucking give someone his last dollar to help them get a big mac or to where they need to be. but then its just i dont understand why he treated me the way he did he never showed me appreciation. he would spend his money on trips and shoes and skateboards and food for himself but he never once surprised me with flowers when i had a long day after work UNTIL we broke up. but then its like why should i really care about that? I never did. I never did until i started to overthink shit when he moved and i think thats what made me crazy and why we ended up not together. were still in this fucking pickle. its like i know he still has to love me and i know i still love him but where is this going. will we ever be togehter.
like he lives in San diego, well now hes home, and thats not the reason i feel this way, ive been feeling this way for months. basically i was in FUCK THIS mode for the first 3 weeks we broke up but since then ive been so fucking depressed for the past 3 months. and it sucks trying to explain to people why i'm so sad. i just fucking love nick. i think hes my soul mate. hes all i ever wanted and i just still have hope that one day were going to be together. cause now i come to find out that hes moving to LA? thats just like is it ironic or is it fucking faith that we decide to move to the same place after we break up? I dont know man. I just feel like maybe things will be different in 7 months. I'll have my life together and maybe he will too.
ITs not that i think he needs to change i just wish he would stop worrying about what everyone thinks of him. he says he doesnt but i can tell he does. everything is based on how cool he looks on the internet, or how cool he looks in real life. WHO CARES!!! I wanna say that to fuckin everyone! who gives a fucking shit what everyone thinks of you!! Live for yourself not for others. like its part of growing up though eventually you just stop caring. i dont know why this happened to me so soon i really dont care about what anyone thinks of be besides my dad and mom and nick. and im not even with nick. and i still care os much waht he thinks of me. i'm just a stupid girl.
girls will be girls..
idk. man i just dont know.
i need to go to bed but basically my life is going to change. I'm going to make steps to change it and to make myself happy and improve myself. I need to up my self esteem. I need to get in shape and i need to plan for the future and i need to think less abot what might happen and focus on what IS going to happen or better yet what IS happening. I need to live in the PRESENT. time to change.
Going to get a good nights sleep and wake up early and start making changes.
B A S I C A L L Y
I just feel stuck. I really want to move. I know I keep saying I'm going to but I've been so scared and up until about 3 months ago its like I was waiting for someone to move with me or that I was going to reconnect with Nick and end up with him in California. But then I decided I really want to move to LA. I really love Los Angeles and I told Nick that when we would talk about things. Dont get me wrong, I love San Diego but it's just the weather there is cool. LA is cool and hot so its like not so much different weatherwise from Jacksonville it's just like 10 degrees cooler and its nice there at all times. I also really like the fashion sense there, and i just have always felt like my heart was meant for a big city life, and that's what LA is. City of dreams.
So pretty much I decided I'm going to move there. And I've wanted to move since I was 16 so this is it. This is for me. This is what I'm doing. I absolutely DO NOT want to be here in Jacksonville for the rest of my life because there is so much more in the world to experience. I cannot stress that enough. I love the world so much and I want to see it all. LA is perfect for me. I have ambitions. I am developing a plan. I am gonna move in May 2014 That's basically it. Then I will be living there, hopefully have a job and be making big money. I am going to try to find a place/job the first few weeks there if I dont already have one set up, which thanks to networking I should have one.
Basically my career is about networking. and I really hope that i'm good at my job so i can advance and just prevail towards my dreams. which i guess is what i need to start planning. i need to figure out the main steps to making my dreams a reality. one time i read that to become who they are, the famous and rich people had to obviously start from nothing unless they were related to a famous person who got them the hook up aka emma roberts who i love so fuck it i mean its working for her but just back to what im saying is everyone starts from nothing and has to build their empire. thats what i want to do. its going to be hard but in the end i know i will have worked for what i have. its nice having parents who gave me the life i had growing up but i really work for everything i have. i pay my own rent. i buy everything i have including my $16,000 car that i paid for, i bought my dog i pay my phone bill since i was 19. real shit. I fucking cant stand people who complain about their money but they dont even pay their bills. get real. shut the fuck up. i pay almost $850 a month in bills plus food and other shit and i still have a ton of money saved.
ITS CALLED RESPONSIBILITY you fuck asses.
anyways......... I just can't wait to get out of what i feel right now. I get so down on myself and i dont know why i treat myself like i suck because i really dont. i know i have alot going for me. i am a bright person. im responsible. i'm nice. im giving and im really motivated. i guess i do it because ive been shot down so much and torn in half. ive been rejected a lot and i really think its why i am how i am... i just wish i could snap out of it. i try man. i try to make myself happier and i try to overcome my past and i really try to get over nick but its just like not happening.
thats my main problem really. i just still am in love with him i love him to the moon and back i think about him from the second i wake up until i go to sleep at night and it doesnt matter who i talk to throughout the day or what people i preoccupy myself with because in the end hes what i think about. and someone tried to talk to me abot it and had such a good perspective is basically why do i make him out to be a God? I really dont know what my problem is. I can list a million good things about him but also a million bad ones. and the disrespectful relationship i had for so long is a pure reason for me to not even give a shit about this stuff but i do and i just never could fuckin let it go because i was so in love with him. Ive never felt like that about anyone. I could do anything with him and be 110% content with it and happy! We literally sat in the dark with a flashlight making hand puppets.....
come on. if thats not love i don't know what is. and i just fucking wish things were different. I wish he had a better head on his shoulders. I know he is a good person and he is very genuine when it comes to the things that matter, like he will help a bum on the street or he will fucking give someone his last dollar to help them get a big mac or to where they need to be. but then its just i dont understand why he treated me the way he did he never showed me appreciation. he would spend his money on trips and shoes and skateboards and food for himself but he never once surprised me with flowers when i had a long day after work UNTIL we broke up. but then its like why should i really care about that? I never did. I never did until i started to overthink shit when he moved and i think thats what made me crazy and why we ended up not together. were still in this fucking pickle. its like i know he still has to love me and i know i still love him but where is this going. will we ever be togehter.
like he lives in San diego, well now hes home, and thats not the reason i feel this way, ive been feeling this way for months. basically i was in FUCK THIS mode for the first 3 weeks we broke up but since then ive been so fucking depressed for the past 3 months. and it sucks trying to explain to people why i'm so sad. i just fucking love nick. i think hes my soul mate. hes all i ever wanted and i just still have hope that one day were going to be together. cause now i come to find out that hes moving to LA? thats just like is it ironic or is it fucking faith that we decide to move to the same place after we break up? I dont know man. I just feel like maybe things will be different in 7 months. I'll have my life together and maybe he will too.
ITs not that i think he needs to change i just wish he would stop worrying about what everyone thinks of him. he says he doesnt but i can tell he does. everything is based on how cool he looks on the internet, or how cool he looks in real life. WHO CARES!!! I wanna say that to fuckin everyone! who gives a fucking shit what everyone thinks of you!! Live for yourself not for others. like its part of growing up though eventually you just stop caring. i dont know why this happened to me so soon i really dont care about what anyone thinks of be besides my dad and mom and nick. and im not even with nick. and i still care os much waht he thinks of me. i'm just a stupid girl.
girls will be girls..
idk. man i just dont know.
i need to go to bed but basically my life is going to change. I'm going to make steps to change it and to make myself happy and improve myself. I need to up my self esteem. I need to get in shape and i need to plan for the future and i need to think less abot what might happen and focus on what IS going to happen or better yet what IS happening. I need to live in the PRESENT. time to change.
Going to get a good nights sleep and wake up early and start making changes.