Standing trial for your sins.. holding onto your self the best you can..
Sorry I haven't been updating.
I know I say that a lot, but hey, I'm lazy..and I've been busy.
Busy literally, and just..busy thinking about things..
A lot has been happening lately, and I'm struggling to deal with it.
I've been thinking about cutting myself again, and throwing up after meals..
Derek is helping me stop it, but.. when I'm alone, I'm not going to lie.. I think about it, constantly.
I've skipped my medicine a lot.
That hasn't helped..but yet, I don't really care?
On Sunday, the Church that I was going to since I was little, closed.
Now, I don't really believe in God too much..
I believe, but then I don't..
I have my doubts..
But I always went to church.
It kept my family together.
Every Sunday my grandparents would pick me,my cousin Tyler, and Jessica up.. and we'd go to Sunday school, and meet my Uncle Mark and Aunt Shari there with their three kids..
It was just us, and my friend, Erin.
I was so close to everyone there.
It was like, my home away from home.
I always did things with them, we went bowling and everything..
But we didn't have enough members to make enough money to keep the Church going..
All together, on a Holiday, there were about.. 50 people?
Usually there was maybe about 20..
Everyone in my family was baptized there.
I was baptized there, got my first communion there, and my confirmation..
I don't want to go to another church.
That was my church.
As retarded as it sounds, I felt welcomed there..
I've known nothing but my church.
I can't go to a new one, with a new congregation, new pastor
and be happy.
I want my church.
I want all the people that knew me from when I was first born to be there..
They all welcomed me, no matter what..
I could call them and talk to them all about anything, and they'd understand..
or at least try to.
Why did that have to happen?
And on the day it closed, why was the WHOLE fucking Church FILLED! Why?!
People were there crying.
Yeah, I understand compeltly if it were a member of my family
or a member of the other families that were a part of my congregation
and that I seen every fucking sunday, or at least on Holidays.
Why did these other people come, and cry?
If they would have came every other Sunday, not even every Sunday, maybe three Sundays, we would still be opened!
Stupid fuckers..
Then, I've been arguing a lot with my sisters and my dad..
and even my mom.
I don't know why.
They just, drive me insane.
I can't stand them anymore..
They pretend I don't even exist.
I love attention, your right,but I can deal with not getting it all the time..
Why don't they even like me anymore?
It seems they all just..
I don't know..
But I don't deserve to be treated the way they treat me...
Also, the guy who gave me my Scholarship died..
Not that I was close to him or anything
but its insane that someone as great as him, died..
Life is so queer..
I'm gonna go now..
Dereks on the phone..
I know I say that a lot, but hey, I'm lazy..and I've been busy.
Busy literally, and just..busy thinking about things..
A lot has been happening lately, and I'm struggling to deal with it.
I've been thinking about cutting myself again, and throwing up after meals..
Derek is helping me stop it, but.. when I'm alone, I'm not going to lie.. I think about it, constantly.
I've skipped my medicine a lot.
That hasn't helped..but yet, I don't really care?
On Sunday, the Church that I was going to since I was little, closed.
Now, I don't really believe in God too much..
I believe, but then I don't..
I have my doubts..
But I always went to church.
It kept my family together.
Every Sunday my grandparents would pick me,my cousin Tyler, and Jessica up.. and we'd go to Sunday school, and meet my Uncle Mark and Aunt Shari there with their three kids..
It was just us, and my friend, Erin.
I was so close to everyone there.
It was like, my home away from home.
I always did things with them, we went bowling and everything..
But we didn't have enough members to make enough money to keep the Church going..
All together, on a Holiday, there were about.. 50 people?
Usually there was maybe about 20..
Everyone in my family was baptized there.
I was baptized there, got my first communion there, and my confirmation..
I don't want to go to another church.
That was my church.
As retarded as it sounds, I felt welcomed there..
I've known nothing but my church.
I can't go to a new one, with a new congregation, new pastor
and be happy.
I want my church.
I want all the people that knew me from when I was first born to be there..
They all welcomed me, no matter what..
I could call them and talk to them all about anything, and they'd understand..
or at least try to.
Why did that have to happen?
And on the day it closed, why was the WHOLE fucking Church FILLED! Why?!
People were there crying.
Yeah, I understand compeltly if it were a member of my family
or a member of the other families that were a part of my congregation
and that I seen every fucking sunday, or at least on Holidays.
Why did these other people come, and cry?
If they would have came every other Sunday, not even every Sunday, maybe three Sundays, we would still be opened!
Stupid fuckers..
Then, I've been arguing a lot with my sisters and my dad..
and even my mom.
I don't know why.
They just, drive me insane.
I can't stand them anymore..
They pretend I don't even exist.
I love attention, your right,but I can deal with not getting it all the time..
Why don't they even like me anymore?
It seems they all just..
I don't know..
But I don't deserve to be treated the way they treat me...
Also, the guy who gave me my Scholarship died..
Not that I was close to him or anything
but its insane that someone as great as him, died..
Life is so queer..
I'm gonna go now..
Dereks on the phone..