(no subject)
I realized today that school makes me depressed, not only does it make me depressed the hours I'm there, but I remain depressed for the rest of the day, maybe only until I talk to brandon, but often times until I go to bed at night.
Currently, I feel as though I'm going to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I feel invisible. As I walk through school, as I sit in class, and as I sit at lunch I feel invisible. I feel like no one sees me or cares about me. Maybe thats partly true, and it saddens me to at least some extent. I feel like I used to be fun to be around, I used to make people laugh. Do I still do that? Or am I horrible person to be around, do I have some kind of friendship making disabilities suddenly? This feeling feels so permanent. I'm afraid I can't even picture next year. I can't picture me and Gina living in the dorms at Grand Valley with our mini- fridge and sweet lap tops. Does that mean something.. when I can't picture it? Does that mean somethings going to go wrong and I won't be able to go, or is it something that's just unimaginable? I'm scared I won't make friends, I'm afraid I'm going to clam up and be a boring shy person.
Maybe this is a monday feeling...because I hear everyone talking about what they did during the weekend, and I wasn't apart of any of it nor was I invited to it. But what I do on the weekends makes me happy. The only day of the week I am happy from sun up to sun down is saturdays. I wake up with my brandon and I go to bed with him. Then on sunday I have to leave him and return to the reality that I'm excluded from everything, invisible to my school and all the people in it, and my boyfriend is too far away to come and make me feel better.
I do love my life though. I'm blessed with a perfect family, perfect parents, and a sister who is my best friend and is marrying the perfect guy. I won't even say my life sucks, because it doesn't. I simply believe that walking through the halls of Chippewa Valley makes me depressed.
Maybe I'm over evalutating everything right now. That's high school right? Over evalutions, fake thoughts, and over exagerations.
Life just isn't supposed to be like this.
Currently, I feel as though I'm going to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I feel invisible. As I walk through school, as I sit in class, and as I sit at lunch I feel invisible. I feel like no one sees me or cares about me. Maybe thats partly true, and it saddens me to at least some extent. I feel like I used to be fun to be around, I used to make people laugh. Do I still do that? Or am I horrible person to be around, do I have some kind of friendship making disabilities suddenly? This feeling feels so permanent. I'm afraid I can't even picture next year. I can't picture me and Gina living in the dorms at Grand Valley with our mini- fridge and sweet lap tops. Does that mean something.. when I can't picture it? Does that mean somethings going to go wrong and I won't be able to go, or is it something that's just unimaginable? I'm scared I won't make friends, I'm afraid I'm going to clam up and be a boring shy person.
Maybe this is a monday feeling...because I hear everyone talking about what they did during the weekend, and I wasn't apart of any of it nor was I invited to it. But what I do on the weekends makes me happy. The only day of the week I am happy from sun up to sun down is saturdays. I wake up with my brandon and I go to bed with him. Then on sunday I have to leave him and return to the reality that I'm excluded from everything, invisible to my school and all the people in it, and my boyfriend is too far away to come and make me feel better.
I do love my life though. I'm blessed with a perfect family, perfect parents, and a sister who is my best friend and is marrying the perfect guy. I won't even say my life sucks, because it doesn't. I simply believe that walking through the halls of Chippewa Valley makes me depressed.
Maybe I'm over evalutating everything right now. That's high school right? Over evalutions, fake thoughts, and over exagerations.
Life just isn't supposed to be like this.