Thinking..
Last night was hard.
I don't know who i'm serving anymore, myself or someone else.
Whatever. I'd try to explain it but it's not gonna come out right. The words will be distorted the moment they spill from my lips. From my fingers to this keyboard. I wish they could be beautiful like they sound in my head but my body betrays my mind all the time.
...
I've felt so lost lately. I look at the world around me and tell myself joy doesn't even exist. I try to do things and can't because i dont see the point. Last thursday i wanted to end it. I wanted to tell you goodbye and just ignore whatever may happen to you. Now i know how dis-illusioned i was. I remember now how love was my drive. It was my reason for everything. It was my purpose in everything i did and everything i saw. I did'nt do a chore because it needed to be done, i did it because it was something that might allow me to see you. I lived to love and loved to live. I see now what has been missing. You're all my jealous heart sees. When it sees you and someone who isn't me it cries for blood. It cries for me to make everyone hurt like i hurt, even you. But i don't want to hurt you anymore. I dont want you to hurt you'r self anymore. I dont you to feel pain ever again. The only tears i want to see pour from you'r eyes are tears of joy.
...
Bleagh i say, BLEAGH! My heart is far too big. That or the poor thing is too clingy. Sometimes i wish it would just stop and let me do what i feel has to be done. But no. It would much rather have me lay in my room on my bed contemplating things i would never do instead of getting myself some work. But in the end i guess that's what makes us human. Should i evolve? Cease to be human? Become something more? But what is there that's more than human.....a machine? Incapable of love or compassion. Whose sole purpose is to work and pay taxes. Or shall my soul purpose be to live as a human? Do i Defy? Dare i Defy? Shall i laugh and love and weep? For that is defiance to the machine. Emotion.
..Sometimes i really wish i had a good freind. Someone i liked and could relate to. Someone who could relate to me. Someone who would listen to me bitching about my family/friends/boyfriend (which i dont have at the moment). Someone who i could discuss everything with. Someone who could play guitar while i sing. Someone who would give me a lift. Loan me clothes. Who knew where some good shows were. Someone who would go with me and watch my back in the pit. Someone who i could talk to about things i truly like to talk about. Someone who i never felt guilty about accepting things from.
Someone who understood me. Someone i knew i could always tell the truth to.. I mean, I had someone i could call a good friend, even a best friend, but shes going off and doing other things, meeting new people, working a dumb job, and when shes not doing that, shes with her boyfriend so i can't hangout with her even if i wanted to.
.. another thing, I always thought that people got what they deserved. I've worked hard at so many things. I've done so many little things and so many favors for people. But somehow i dont' feel like i've received any of that back. Everything i could think of that would make me feel happy is out of reach. Then the one person who makes me feel happy is just making me furious. I'm so sick of it all.
The problem is when i feel like this i dont tell anyone. I shut my mouth and move on. But that all builds and builds and builds and needs to be let out. But i don't think anyone wants to listen, and those that say they do...........i feel like i'll just bring them down.
Nothing much to say..........nothing much to be heard......nothing much to know.......nothing to feel..........Except my own pointless mania......I think i'll go do something.....pointless....
I just want to get out of here sometimes..
goodnight ♥
I don't know who i'm serving anymore, myself or someone else.
Whatever. I'd try to explain it but it's not gonna come out right. The words will be distorted the moment they spill from my lips. From my fingers to this keyboard. I wish they could be beautiful like they sound in my head but my body betrays my mind all the time.
...
I've felt so lost lately. I look at the world around me and tell myself joy doesn't even exist. I try to do things and can't because i dont see the point. Last thursday i wanted to end it. I wanted to tell you goodbye and just ignore whatever may happen to you. Now i know how dis-illusioned i was. I remember now how love was my drive. It was my reason for everything. It was my purpose in everything i did and everything i saw. I did'nt do a chore because it needed to be done, i did it because it was something that might allow me to see you. I lived to love and loved to live. I see now what has been missing. You're all my jealous heart sees. When it sees you and someone who isn't me it cries for blood. It cries for me to make everyone hurt like i hurt, even you. But i don't want to hurt you anymore. I dont want you to hurt you'r self anymore. I dont you to feel pain ever again. The only tears i want to see pour from you'r eyes are tears of joy.
...
Bleagh i say, BLEAGH! My heart is far too big. That or the poor thing is too clingy. Sometimes i wish it would just stop and let me do what i feel has to be done. But no. It would much rather have me lay in my room on my bed contemplating things i would never do instead of getting myself some work. But in the end i guess that's what makes us human. Should i evolve? Cease to be human? Become something more? But what is there that's more than human.....a machine? Incapable of love or compassion. Whose sole purpose is to work and pay taxes. Or shall my soul purpose be to live as a human? Do i Defy? Dare i Defy? Shall i laugh and love and weep? For that is defiance to the machine. Emotion.
..Sometimes i really wish i had a good freind. Someone i liked and could relate to. Someone who could relate to me. Someone who would listen to me bitching about my family/friends/boyfriend (which i dont have at the moment). Someone who i could discuss everything with. Someone who could play guitar while i sing. Someone who would give me a lift. Loan me clothes. Who knew where some good shows were. Someone who would go with me and watch my back in the pit. Someone who i could talk to about things i truly like to talk about. Someone who i never felt guilty about accepting things from.
Someone who understood me. Someone i knew i could always tell the truth to.. I mean, I had someone i could call a good friend, even a best friend, but shes going off and doing other things, meeting new people, working a dumb job, and when shes not doing that, shes with her boyfriend so i can't hangout with her even if i wanted to.
.. another thing, I always thought that people got what they deserved. I've worked hard at so many things. I've done so many little things and so many favors for people. But somehow i dont' feel like i've received any of that back. Everything i could think of that would make me feel happy is out of reach. Then the one person who makes me feel happy is just making me furious. I'm so sick of it all.
The problem is when i feel like this i dont tell anyone. I shut my mouth and move on. But that all builds and builds and builds and needs to be let out. But i don't think anyone wants to listen, and those that say they do...........i feel like i'll just bring them down.
Nothing much to say..........nothing much to be heard......nothing much to know.......nothing to feel..........Except my own pointless mania......I think i'll go do something.....pointless....
I just want to get out of here sometimes..
goodnight ♥