talk about amnesia
Talk about amnesia, I remember that -
Since I had so many interests and never considered "being a writer" a live option, these moments got edited out of my self image. School made me into an essay machine, for sure, but part of this was a growing fear, the anxiety surrounding the finished product was always so great, I would freeze and dread many assignments.
BUT, I do love when the words fall together and make something beautiful, and somehow I forgot this pleasure, this orientation to language. My censor guilted me into thinking there was something pretentiously avoidant about wanting to "be a writer". So. I killed it. No writer, just writing. It's the cheapest hobby I can get away with (scribbling on cheap paper or banging on a keyboard for a couple of hours a day). My censor certainly couldn't begrudge me the equivalent to scribbling on scrap paper. And so I duck the censor for another day.
- I had once quipped that I wanted to be a writer "when I retired from aerospace".
- I submitted something pretty bad to the Young Author's Program one time (though I know I participated a few times and consistently got second place).
- I wrote some angsty poetry.
- I had taken creative writing in 4-H - repeatedly.
- I had taken creative writing classes... for three years.
Since I had so many interests and never considered "being a writer" a live option, these moments got edited out of my self image. School made me into an essay machine, for sure, but part of this was a growing fear, the anxiety surrounding the finished product was always so great, I would freeze and dread many assignments.
BUT, I do love when the words fall together and make something beautiful, and somehow I forgot this pleasure, this orientation to language. My censor guilted me into thinking there was something pretentiously avoidant about wanting to "be a writer". So. I killed it. No writer, just writing. It's the cheapest hobby I can get away with (scribbling on cheap paper or banging on a keyboard for a couple of hours a day). My censor certainly couldn't begrudge me the equivalent to scribbling on scrap paper. And so I duck the censor for another day.