Depressive.....
Hey Gang!
I have a feeling this is going to be a depressive post...I'm feeling kind of, well...just depressed today. I`m not even 100% sure why.
**Jack & Ellen are going back to Ireland tomorrow...maybe thats what it is. For those who don`t know, Jack & Ellen are basically like my brother and sister...without being an actual blood relation. They grew up here basically but they moved to Ireland in July. We didn`t see them for over 3 months, but they finally came to stay 2 weeks ago...
So I`m sad that they`re going...and its worse because THEY are depressed about it. They keep saying they just want to stay here with us....its so cruel =-/ Plus who knows when we`ll see them again...=-/
**I`m depressed about my weight...I just can`t seem to stick to a diet and its driving me crazy. I haven`t gained weight, but I haven`t lost any either...every week its the same thing. I`ll diet for 3 days then get bored of it, and stop. =-/ I feel like I`m just never going to be able to motivate myself to lose weight...yet everybody else seems to be able to do it so easily, whats the matter with me...why am I such a fat, ugly pig =-/
**In good news....Martin got a new job today! He's now a trainee Recruitment Consultant...which is excellent! He's always wanted to be a recruitment consultant...and he`s finally breaking free of sales jobs! I`m very happy for him. But at the same time...I was depressed when he told me too. I don`t know if its because I`m sad that when things like this happen, we cant celebrate or whatever because we`re not together...or if maybe I`m even a little jealous coz I`m not sure I`ll ever get a job that I really want like that. How selfish is that?!
**And the other thing on my mind...its probably going to make me sound like SUCH a freak...but for the past few days, I keep having this weird panic/anxiety attacks. I mean...I`ve had them for a while but its always been just every now and then. But over the past two days...its happened 3 times =-/
Basically...my biggest fear in life, is death. I can`t really explain it...but basically I just can`t imagine NOT being here...I`m absolutely terrified of it, and when I start thinking that one day I`m just not going to exist anymore I get myself SO worked up that I just start freaking out! And the more I freak out, the worse it gets...because I try to calm myself down, but there`s in my mind I`m telling myself that nothing I`m telling myself matters because at the end of the day...there`s not a single thing anybody can do to help me. One day, I`m going to die...and that's inevitable. And I absolutely cannot cope with that thought. Even now, I`m crying writing about it. And I think about seeing a psychiatrist to help me with it, but then I think whats the point...NOBODY can take away the one thing that I`m most terrified of. Ever. I just can`t deal with it. I`m starting to have another panic attack now....Omg. =(
I just don`t know how to handle it....