lost .
this life that i've been living for the past year has been the most unproductive ever. i feel like i haven't really done anything for myself to make life more gratifying. i continue to grasp onto excuses, that are just that... excuses. i have no reason to be this way, and i scold myself daily for acting like this.
crippled people find ways to get around
blind people find ways to read
deaf people find ways to communicate
who are we to call them disabled ?
i feel more disabled than any crippled, deaf or blind person there ever was .
& this has GOT TO CHANGE . now!
it's an overwhelming feeling to have a baby. yes, i've always written extremely positive things about my dear kayliana jade. and, it's because she is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. i wouldn't change a thing about her, nor would i change my decision to have a baby (if i could). but, amidst all the greatness that is kayliana jade-- there are also cons. (which do not, and i repeat do not outweigh, or even come close to outweighing the pros). and, it's not about her. it's about the responsibilities of having a baby.
from the start, i knew how hard it was going to be. raising a child isn't an easy task. no one said it would be. and, if it was easy for you, then perhaps you never did enough. hm, maybe that's not fair to say. but, i already said it. and the backspace & i are fighting, so i'm not allowed to touch him.
like i was saying, it's such a whirlwind of an experience. i'm afraid of getting stuck in a rut and living solely for jade. sure, it doesn't sound like a terrible thing. i mean, it might even sound terrible that i'm saying i'm afraid of that... but, surely, one has to live for themselves as well. i don't want to get lost in her world & completely forget about mine.
i could be a cheeseball, and say... "oh, but kayliana is my world! she's my everything!" and, that she is. but, the point is... i don't want to lose who i was prior to having a baby. i know things must change, and trust me they have. but, i don't want it to change for the worse.
after having the baby and even while i was pregnant, i faced a billion +1 inner struggles about my identity. i kept telling myself that i was going to be a mom, no more fooling around. and, it wasn't just coming from my end-- it was coming from EVERYONE. people preached about responsibility, how i couldn't have any more fun (i hated that), how i have to stay home & take care of the baby. and, i knew all of this. it wasn't something foreign to me. i've seen it on TV, i've seen my own parents deal with us, i've seen aunts, uncles & family friends do the same. but, the way people were preachin' it to me made it sound like a chore. and, i blame them. haha. i blame them for the way i am. i feel like they scared away my fun. my fun ran away in fear of contributing to terrible parenting.
well, no. i only blame myself. it's just so difficult trying to be the same crazy valerie i once was. i'm not as loud, not as hyper, not as crazy (JR may disagree. lol), not as spontaneous. oh, that's what i miss the most. my spontaneity. it flew out the door once morning sickess kicked it. lol.
:sigh: it's okay... i know i'll get over this soon. i just need someone to kick me into the right path. (which would have to be myself.) and, wham . . .i'll be soaring like no other. . . right? (please tell me i'm right! haha)
i only seek positive things in my life these days. and, being the biggest pessimist in the world, HA -- it's definitely a tough task.
crippled people find ways to get around
blind people find ways to read
deaf people find ways to communicate
who are we to call them disabled ?
i feel more disabled than any crippled, deaf or blind person there ever was .
& this has GOT TO CHANGE . now!
it's an overwhelming feeling to have a baby. yes, i've always written extremely positive things about my dear kayliana jade. and, it's because she is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. i wouldn't change a thing about her, nor would i change my decision to have a baby (if i could). but, amidst all the greatness that is kayliana jade-- there are also cons. (which do not, and i repeat do not outweigh, or even come close to outweighing the pros). and, it's not about her. it's about the responsibilities of having a baby.
from the start, i knew how hard it was going to be. raising a child isn't an easy task. no one said it would be. and, if it was easy for you, then perhaps you never did enough. hm, maybe that's not fair to say. but, i already said it. and the backspace & i are fighting, so i'm not allowed to touch him.
like i was saying, it's such a whirlwind of an experience. i'm afraid of getting stuck in a rut and living solely for jade. sure, it doesn't sound like a terrible thing. i mean, it might even sound terrible that i'm saying i'm afraid of that... but, surely, one has to live for themselves as well. i don't want to get lost in her world & completely forget about mine.
i could be a cheeseball, and say... "oh, but kayliana is my world! she's my everything!" and, that she is. but, the point is... i don't want to lose who i was prior to having a baby. i know things must change, and trust me they have. but, i don't want it to change for the worse.
after having the baby and even while i was pregnant, i faced a billion +1 inner struggles about my identity. i kept telling myself that i was going to be a mom, no more fooling around. and, it wasn't just coming from my end-- it was coming from EVERYONE. people preached about responsibility, how i couldn't have any more fun (i hated that), how i have to stay home & take care of the baby. and, i knew all of this. it wasn't something foreign to me. i've seen it on TV, i've seen my own parents deal with us, i've seen aunts, uncles & family friends do the same. but, the way people were preachin' it to me made it sound like a chore. and, i blame them. haha. i blame them for the way i am. i feel like they scared away my fun. my fun ran away in fear of contributing to terrible parenting.
well, no. i only blame myself. it's just so difficult trying to be the same crazy valerie i once was. i'm not as loud, not as hyper, not as crazy (JR may disagree. lol), not as spontaneous. oh, that's what i miss the most. my spontaneity. it flew out the door once morning sickess kicked it. lol.
:sigh: it's okay... i know i'll get over this soon. i just need someone to kick me into the right path. (which would have to be myself.) and, wham . . .i'll be soaring like no other. . . right? (please tell me i'm right! haha)
i only seek positive things in my life these days. and, being the biggest pessimist in the world, HA -- it's definitely a tough task.