emo post
i believe I have finally come to understand the point Terry Goodkind was trying to make when he wrote about the Sword of Truth being a weapon which operates on anger. Anger is a fiercely strong emotion. when properly embroiled one is impervious to pain and depression. When angry, you think mostly of the future and you fail to dwell on the way in which you have been hurt. Upon recognition of that, I have come to notice how often I fall back on that anger to distract me from a certain individual. I don't believe in hate, but I believe the anger and feelings a certain person invokes in me is very very close. I have been able to fine tune my anger so that I am able to be in the same room/bar and yet remain impassive. I will not smile at him but neither will i lash out. Yet still. I have spent the past two years trying desperately to cut him out of my life yet he insists on finding ways back in. he was like a drug but now he has become a poison.. I sacrificed everything, heart, dignity, self-respect, self-confidence. yet he does not have the decency or regard for me to distance himself. I have done everything in my power to separate myself from him - we're not fb friends, i don't go to ato, i don't go to college manor, i don't go to ato parties or date functions or socials, i dont hang out with my friends if i expressly know he's going to be there. but he is practically bff with a few of my good friends now and hes slept with a few of them too. The final straw is that he has started coming on our date functions with one of the younger tridelts even though I had expressly asked him to please not do so. in retaliation he bullied my date to our first date function (who was also an ato) into cancelling me last minute. literally an hour before we were supposed to leave and then he made snide comments about it before the buses left. it left me so utterly distraught that i left school for 3 days. then yesterday for our woodser, my date from unf called and said he couldnt make it and i didnt even bother finding a replacement. it shames me to admit i didnt go because lance was going but i really just did not feel like dealing with him. it infuriates me that he has the nerve to go on our functions. it literally feels like slap in the face which is oddly reminiscent of his own palm to my face. it feels like an invasion of my space. every tridelt function seems tainted now and idk how to make it better. he's in freaking grad school and there are 16 other sororities, why can't he go bother someone else. Why does he have to choose my friends and my sorority.
Over spring I convinced myself that love doesnt exist.
Over summer I convinced myself that there was a reason god was putting so much emotional pain in my life, that there's a reason he's shaping me into a distrusting, cold-hearted, broken-person. though what i couldnt imagine.
this semester I have finally come to the conclusion im being punished for a deed in a past life.
...over this I have no control.
i know im a good person. i know i deserve to be treated respectfully and with kindness. i try to give people the benefit of a doubt and to trust them but in the end they always fail me and always when that happens he finds a way to appear in my life and twist the knife alittle deeper. So fine. I give up. You win.
All i want for christmas is some peace. but apparently thats too much to ask.
Over spring I convinced myself that love doesnt exist.
Over summer I convinced myself that there was a reason god was putting so much emotional pain in my life, that there's a reason he's shaping me into a distrusting, cold-hearted, broken-person. though what i couldnt imagine.
this semester I have finally come to the conclusion im being punished for a deed in a past life.
...over this I have no control.
i know im a good person. i know i deserve to be treated respectfully and with kindness. i try to give people the benefit of a doubt and to trust them but in the end they always fail me and always when that happens he finds a way to appear in my life and twist the knife alittle deeper. So fine. I give up. You win.
All i want for christmas is some peace. but apparently thats too much to ask.