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i had a really weird dream last night. at the end i, for some reason, felt like i was saying goodbye to all that was good and wholesome about childhood and i was moving on to unhappiness and uncontrollable disaster. it felt so real too. ive been to that house so many times before, even if only in dreams. and i felt like last night was really the last time i would see it. i wish i was an artist so i could draw it out exactly like it was.
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isolation.
its really odd because half the time i want to be alone and im so annoyed by everyone around. and then the other half im completely lonesome in a crowded place and i feel like i cant breath and like no one can even see me anymore. it feels like ive done something terrible and everyone is mad at me and they dont understand why im acting like things are fine. but when i stay cooped up in my room, everyone wonders where ive been like they would have noticed if i were even out and about. who am i supposed to be going outside to see anyway? lets face it. no one savesa seat for me in the cafeteria. no one comes to my room to see how im doing, they come to tell me how they are doing or to see mk. and i know i do it too. i talk more about myself sometimes than i listen. maybe i just expect way too much. i wish i could believe that dumb thing im always saying when people ask me how im doing, "better than i deserve" but in my heart i want so much from the world, from myself, from family, from her. i just want to be happy and content and for everything to be fine, fine, fine. but i dont have one hand in my pocket and my other hand isnt doing anything significant at all. i just want to be ok. i want to stop agonizing over all of this petty stuff and whining and feeling sad for me. i really truly want the drama to stop.
i just want to be happy. but i dont think i can do that until everything is going well. and things will never all be going well. i cant change what has already happened. i feel like i may never be alright....
~~
isolation.
its really odd because half the time i want to be alone and im so annoyed by everyone around. and then the other half im completely lonesome in a crowded place and i feel like i cant breath and like no one can even see me anymore. it feels like ive done something terrible and everyone is mad at me and they dont understand why im acting like things are fine. but when i stay cooped up in my room, everyone wonders where ive been like they would have noticed if i were even out and about. who am i supposed to be going outside to see anyway? lets face it. no one savesa seat for me in the cafeteria. no one comes to my room to see how im doing, they come to tell me how they are doing or to see mk. and i know i do it too. i talk more about myself sometimes than i listen. maybe i just expect way too much. i wish i could believe that dumb thing im always saying when people ask me how im doing, "better than i deserve" but in my heart i want so much from the world, from myself, from family, from her. i just want to be happy and content and for everything to be fine, fine, fine. but i dont have one hand in my pocket and my other hand isnt doing anything significant at all. i just want to be ok. i want to stop agonizing over all of this petty stuff and whining and feeling sad for me. i really truly want the drama to stop.
i just want to be happy. but i dont think i can do that until everything is going well. and things will never all be going well. i cant change what has already happened. i feel like i may never be alright....