(no subject)
wow. so who would have thought that just as somethings in my life were working themselves out, all hell breaks loose and my life turns into a cruel joke.
i'm waiting. i've been waiting. i've been laying here waiting to feel better. but it just isn't happening. it just isn't working. and it's not like i can do anything but wait. wait for the pain to subside. wait for my problems to fix themselves. right? i mean, really. this is what my life fucking consists of. and i can't help but get so pissed off because i get so disappointed so many times, so often, it might as well just be a regular event in my life of getting set back.
right?
i mean, i feel like i'm making progress in some way or another, with my living situation, my love life, my school work, my real work. and then, all of a sudden, something (but usually multiple things) go wrong. all at once. i can't fucking handle it. i know, i'm the mature, responsible, problem fixer. but i don't feel like i have the capacity to do it any more. i've been relied on and leaned on so much and so hard that i'm about to eat it. i truly don't know how i can continue. how i can keep living the life i do with out getting totally fucked. i mean, i'm fucked up. it's obvious. i'm depressed all the time for no fucking reason. i'm tired all of the time, all i ever want to do is lay in bed and fucking sleep. i get nervous about going to work and class. i get nervous just venturing out of my room.
i'm just exhausted. i feel like i get to deal with everyone else's problems before i get a minute to think about mine. i mean, just the other day i finally got off my chest how this ailment was making me feel. how run down and how worthless i feel because of the pain i'm in. and you know what. i felt like such an asshole. i felt like even though he truly cared about what i had to say, i said it all in vain. because it's obvious that there's nothing he could have done to make me feel better. yet there i was, like an idiot, pouring my heart out about something i hadn't ever discussed before, and all he could say was "that sucks dude". and i'm not mad about that, i'm mad that that's all that can be said. i'm mad that i can't fucking fix my life. i'm fucking pissed off.
i see it crumbling and all i can do is wait, wait for the pieces to hit the floor, and maybe, someday, try to pick them up.
i don't even want to though. i want it all to crash and burn and i want to be able to give up. i want to be able to not care any more. i want to be able to give in, but i fucking can't. i just don't have it in me i guess.
just last night, getting hammered with one of my best friends. she didn't even want to spend time with me. she left for long periods of time, just left to go out with everyone else. and my other best friend can't hang out with me without trying to sleep with me. i mean, really. what kind of existence do i really lead? one with no purpose and no meaning. one in which i wish i didn't have to lead at all. i fucking hate these tendencies bundled up inside of me. the ones that tell me that it's okay to feel this way.
fuck, i'm alone.
i'm waiting. i've been waiting. i've been laying here waiting to feel better. but it just isn't happening. it just isn't working. and it's not like i can do anything but wait. wait for the pain to subside. wait for my problems to fix themselves. right? i mean, really. this is what my life fucking consists of. and i can't help but get so pissed off because i get so disappointed so many times, so often, it might as well just be a regular event in my life of getting set back.
right?
i mean, i feel like i'm making progress in some way or another, with my living situation, my love life, my school work, my real work. and then, all of a sudden, something (but usually multiple things) go wrong. all at once. i can't fucking handle it. i know, i'm the mature, responsible, problem fixer. but i don't feel like i have the capacity to do it any more. i've been relied on and leaned on so much and so hard that i'm about to eat it. i truly don't know how i can continue. how i can keep living the life i do with out getting totally fucked. i mean, i'm fucked up. it's obvious. i'm depressed all the time for no fucking reason. i'm tired all of the time, all i ever want to do is lay in bed and fucking sleep. i get nervous about going to work and class. i get nervous just venturing out of my room.
i'm just exhausted. i feel like i get to deal with everyone else's problems before i get a minute to think about mine. i mean, just the other day i finally got off my chest how this ailment was making me feel. how run down and how worthless i feel because of the pain i'm in. and you know what. i felt like such an asshole. i felt like even though he truly cared about what i had to say, i said it all in vain. because it's obvious that there's nothing he could have done to make me feel better. yet there i was, like an idiot, pouring my heart out about something i hadn't ever discussed before, and all he could say was "that sucks dude". and i'm not mad about that, i'm mad that that's all that can be said. i'm mad that i can't fucking fix my life. i'm fucking pissed off.
i see it crumbling and all i can do is wait, wait for the pieces to hit the floor, and maybe, someday, try to pick them up.
i don't even want to though. i want it all to crash and burn and i want to be able to give up. i want to be able to not care any more. i want to be able to give in, but i fucking can't. i just don't have it in me i guess.
just last night, getting hammered with one of my best friends. she didn't even want to spend time with me. she left for long periods of time, just left to go out with everyone else. and my other best friend can't hang out with me without trying to sleep with me. i mean, really. what kind of existence do i really lead? one with no purpose and no meaning. one in which i wish i didn't have to lead at all. i fucking hate these tendencies bundled up inside of me. the ones that tell me that it's okay to feel this way.
fuck, i'm alone.