Hollywood Nerd Dream: Cycle of Gold/Shit
I had a dream that I was in the film industry. Some geeky backend part of production. Living in Los Angeles. It was like NYC but flatter, and more colorful, and everything on the edges looked like a film set.
I went out to lunch with a random imaginary coworker.
All of our conversation was done in media industry specific lingo. This way of speaking colored every single word. And it went deeper. Our thoughts themselves were in the structures and the styles of the media industry. Last night I dreamed that I had a thoroughly different and highly specialized mind.
I ran across a man who exists in real life (whose online name is also a name for an ankle bone. I had dated him for about 18 months in the middle of my college career. It ended a long time ago now.) He was older and fatter. He disdainfully glanced at me. We had a brief conversation where it was very clear that he thought absolutely nothing of me. I was so hurt. (My mind was different in this dream, but my heart was clearly the same.) I was barely worthy of speaking to, apparently.
Damn it, dreams, why you gotta poke a wound like that? I guess it makes complete sense. That was my last happy relationship, still. And a short term dating person just broke it off with me sooner than I would have liked, and it reminded me: I hate how the cycle of dating turns wonderful new people into utter shit. It's downright wrong.
(I guess I know why dreams do that. To teach you and remind you. Awesome, actually! So glad they exist!)
Fuck romantic passion. It sucks. It destroys everything. If I could live without it I so would. Learning to rely on it less, to find thrills and passion in other things, and it's working- art and job and friends are taking the importance of boys over slowly- but it's a slow process to completely re-work ones' internal wiring (after one realizes that it's destructive.)
One step at a time...Sigh...I can do it.
I went out to lunch with a random imaginary coworker.
All of our conversation was done in media industry specific lingo. This way of speaking colored every single word. And it went deeper. Our thoughts themselves were in the structures and the styles of the media industry. Last night I dreamed that I had a thoroughly different and highly specialized mind.
I ran across a man who exists in real life (whose online name is also a name for an ankle bone. I had dated him for about 18 months in the middle of my college career. It ended a long time ago now.) He was older and fatter. He disdainfully glanced at me. We had a brief conversation where it was very clear that he thought absolutely nothing of me. I was so hurt. (My mind was different in this dream, but my heart was clearly the same.) I was barely worthy of speaking to, apparently.
Damn it, dreams, why you gotta poke a wound like that? I guess it makes complete sense. That was my last happy relationship, still. And a short term dating person just broke it off with me sooner than I would have liked, and it reminded me: I hate how the cycle of dating turns wonderful new people into utter shit. It's downright wrong.
(I guess I know why dreams do that. To teach you and remind you. Awesome, actually! So glad they exist!)
Fuck romantic passion. It sucks. It destroys everything. If I could live without it I so would. Learning to rely on it less, to find thrills and passion in other things, and it's working- art and job and friends are taking the importance of boys over slowly- but it's a slow process to completely re-work ones' internal wiring (after one realizes that it's destructive.)
One step at a time...Sigh...I can do it.