paved with pretty lies and broken dreams.
life. what is the purpose of it exactly? we go thru so much sometimes I question why we put up with it.
this blog has been stirring up in my mind for a good three weeks, I just haven't found the words to write down that make sense out of my head. so here goes..
I wish for a family who loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I am. I havent heard from my family in almost 2 months. why is it that the family thats not blood, loves me for me and is there for me no matter what? yet the blood family treats me like I'm the ugly stepchild that no one wants around? I wish for a father who would pick up the phone and act like he cares about me. or my life. I don't care anymore about the money he owes me. I don't care about the heartache he is constantly causing me. I just want my dad in my life. wishful thinking.
I wish for my friends to realize that all I need is a friend. I need a friend who believes in me. I don't need for you to underestimate me. I don't need for you to question my friendship. I don't need for you to sit there and tell me that I'm being unfaithful or deceiving when I can guarantee I am probably the most loyal person, friend, you'll ever meet. if you can't accept that then maybe you're better off saying goodbye. there is only one person in my life who believes in me and that's Paige. despite everything we've been thru over the past 7 years, she never ceases to amaze me as my friend. constantly reminding me I am better than I think I am. that I deserve so much more than I have. she keeps me strong.
I can't stand the fact that I can't say what I feel to you. I'm scared to death to be honest. I can't stand letting my guard down once again to you, only to get pushed aside for someone better. all I want is for you to be happy, and if that's not with me then so be it. your friendship means a great deal to me so I will always be here no matter what.
I don't even know what to say to you. I've put my wall back up around my heart. its twice as strong and twice as tall. I will never let you break it down again. it's better for the both of us. things are going so good right now, I'm afraid everything is going to come crashing down any minute now because thats the way we are.
yes, I have fears. I act like this hard ass who doesn't care and is never distraught. behind closed doors, I'm an emotional wreck. I'm bi-polar. I have had the worst time of my life the past few months, and not one single person has taken the time to help me. to see if I just need a friend. everyone just keeps telling me it's hormones, pms, just a phase. blah blah. I've been living with this, knowingly, since I was 10 years old. how is over 10 years of this "just a phase"? to anyone who has no idea whats going on with me, its pretty inhumane to sit there and judge me.
here we go again.. but I'm scared to death for nov 1st to roll around. walking into my dads house last year, seeing him with a pistol to his head and watching my grandma wrestle it away from him was not something I enjoyed. hearing him tell me he doesn't love me, and has absolutely no reason to live. looking into his lifeless eyes. him pushing me into the wall when I tried to hug him. why do I still care? after every single fucking thing he has done to me in my life, or in the past couple of years... I shouldn't care that he doesn't want to play a role in my life. I shouldn't still want to be his little girl. all my life, I just wanted to mean something to him. I just wanted to make him proud. I wanted to prove to him that I will amount to something. that I will be strong and become someone. no matter what I do, I'm never going to be good enough. not for him, not for you, not for anyone.
I haven't talked to my sister in months because all she does is bring me down. she can never be happy for me. for my achievements and goals. she always has to make herself look better than me. who's the one that has a good head on her shoulders? who's the one who is dependent on herself, and only herself. who's the one who makes a living for herself because she was forced to grow up faster than she should've; only because her older sister was screwing up her own life. I didn't want to be like you. I didn't want to be in debt and in an abusive relationship at the age of 20. I refused to let it happen. now, because I didn't turn out like you, you can't be happy for me. you always have this way of making me feel like less of a person. instead of being young and dumb... I've paved my own path in life. why can't you believe in me?
I have so much more to say. but whats the point being vulnerable to the world? nothing good will come of this. I'm slowly slipping thru the cracks. I've been feeling a breakdown coming on the past few days, and it's definitely the calm before the storm right now. I need to go to bed before something bad happens.
this blog has been stirring up in my mind for a good three weeks, I just haven't found the words to write down that make sense out of my head. so here goes..
I wish for a family who loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I am. I havent heard from my family in almost 2 months. why is it that the family thats not blood, loves me for me and is there for me no matter what? yet the blood family treats me like I'm the ugly stepchild that no one wants around? I wish for a father who would pick up the phone and act like he cares about me. or my life. I don't care anymore about the money he owes me. I don't care about the heartache he is constantly causing me. I just want my dad in my life. wishful thinking.
I wish for my friends to realize that all I need is a friend. I need a friend who believes in me. I don't need for you to underestimate me. I don't need for you to question my friendship. I don't need for you to sit there and tell me that I'm being unfaithful or deceiving when I can guarantee I am probably the most loyal person, friend, you'll ever meet. if you can't accept that then maybe you're better off saying goodbye. there is only one person in my life who believes in me and that's Paige. despite everything we've been thru over the past 7 years, she never ceases to amaze me as my friend. constantly reminding me I am better than I think I am. that I deserve so much more than I have. she keeps me strong.
I can't stand the fact that I can't say what I feel to you. I'm scared to death to be honest. I can't stand letting my guard down once again to you, only to get pushed aside for someone better. all I want is for you to be happy, and if that's not with me then so be it. your friendship means a great deal to me so I will always be here no matter what.
I don't even know what to say to you. I've put my wall back up around my heart. its twice as strong and twice as tall. I will never let you break it down again. it's better for the both of us. things are going so good right now, I'm afraid everything is going to come crashing down any minute now because thats the way we are.
yes, I have fears. I act like this hard ass who doesn't care and is never distraught. behind closed doors, I'm an emotional wreck. I'm bi-polar. I have had the worst time of my life the past few months, and not one single person has taken the time to help me. to see if I just need a friend. everyone just keeps telling me it's hormones, pms, just a phase. blah blah. I've been living with this, knowingly, since I was 10 years old. how is over 10 years of this "just a phase"? to anyone who has no idea whats going on with me, its pretty inhumane to sit there and judge me.
here we go again.. but I'm scared to death for nov 1st to roll around. walking into my dads house last year, seeing him with a pistol to his head and watching my grandma wrestle it away from him was not something I enjoyed. hearing him tell me he doesn't love me, and has absolutely no reason to live. looking into his lifeless eyes. him pushing me into the wall when I tried to hug him. why do I still care? after every single fucking thing he has done to me in my life, or in the past couple of years... I shouldn't care that he doesn't want to play a role in my life. I shouldn't still want to be his little girl. all my life, I just wanted to mean something to him. I just wanted to make him proud. I wanted to prove to him that I will amount to something. that I will be strong and become someone. no matter what I do, I'm never going to be good enough. not for him, not for you, not for anyone.
I haven't talked to my sister in months because all she does is bring me down. she can never be happy for me. for my achievements and goals. she always has to make herself look better than me. who's the one that has a good head on her shoulders? who's the one who is dependent on herself, and only herself. who's the one who makes a living for herself because she was forced to grow up faster than she should've; only because her older sister was screwing up her own life. I didn't want to be like you. I didn't want to be in debt and in an abusive relationship at the age of 20. I refused to let it happen. now, because I didn't turn out like you, you can't be happy for me. you always have this way of making me feel like less of a person. instead of being young and dumb... I've paved my own path in life. why can't you believe in me?
I have so much more to say. but whats the point being vulnerable to the world? nothing good will come of this. I'm slowly slipping thru the cracks. I've been feeling a breakdown coming on the past few days, and it's definitely the calm before the storm right now. I need to go to bed before something bad happens.