life is about taking risks
I remember when I used to write in this thing every day. an incredible amount of drama, bitching, and life altering events. I was such a immature little brat lol.
I have been thrown quite a few curveballs the past couple of years. I'm still not sure as to where I want to be, here or north carolina. I'm still not sure who I am or who I want to be. the only thing I'm sure about is this boy. but we're not going to get into that just yet.
last november, my dad tried to kill himself. I'm still trying to deal with that. it's hard to walk into your dads house and see him holding a pistol to his head. it's hard trying to wrestle that damn gun away from him. it's hard sitting there trying to talk to him and all I see is this lifeless body laying there with no expression on his face. it's hard to hear that the one person in the world who means everything to you, flat out tells you that he has no reason to live and that he doesn't love you. his own daughter.
obviously depression runs in my family. I thought I was the only one battling it but I guess I was wrong. to this day, he still hasn't said one word to me about that situation. I'm not sure if I should step up and say something or not. I can't just let it go, call me selfish but he hurt me so much that day. a month later, my sister tells me that hes told her about how hes been talking to a psych. I believe it was all a lie. he has been borrowing money from me. for god knows what. he says its for bills, but I don't think he realizes I know that his mom has been paying his bills. I think he's gambling again. its been almost two months since he borrowed the last bit of cash from me, and it's fucked me over.
I really don't know what I'm getting at. I guess I remember how even though I wrote in here 50 million times, it always seemed to make me feel better. writing helps with my depression. blah.
I'm going to end this now. I shall return soon. later days..
I have been thrown quite a few curveballs the past couple of years. I'm still not sure as to where I want to be, here or north carolina. I'm still not sure who I am or who I want to be. the only thing I'm sure about is this boy. but we're not going to get into that just yet.
last november, my dad tried to kill himself. I'm still trying to deal with that. it's hard to walk into your dads house and see him holding a pistol to his head. it's hard trying to wrestle that damn gun away from him. it's hard sitting there trying to talk to him and all I see is this lifeless body laying there with no expression on his face. it's hard to hear that the one person in the world who means everything to you, flat out tells you that he has no reason to live and that he doesn't love you. his own daughter.
obviously depression runs in my family. I thought I was the only one battling it but I guess I was wrong. to this day, he still hasn't said one word to me about that situation. I'm not sure if I should step up and say something or not. I can't just let it go, call me selfish but he hurt me so much that day. a month later, my sister tells me that hes told her about how hes been talking to a psych. I believe it was all a lie. he has been borrowing money from me. for god knows what. he says its for bills, but I don't think he realizes I know that his mom has been paying his bills. I think he's gambling again. its been almost two months since he borrowed the last bit of cash from me, and it's fucked me over.
I really don't know what I'm getting at. I guess I remember how even though I wrote in here 50 million times, it always seemed to make me feel better. writing helps with my depression. blah.
I'm going to end this now. I shall return soon. later days..