(no subject)
it's so awkward in this house as of recently.
obviously Kaitlyn and I don't talk. now it's gotten to the point where I NEVER see Chris and I usually only see Julie at work. I'm getting so tired of being pushed away by people. I feel like a burden. like no one wants me around. plus, Chris and Julies friends Jessi and Gavin are moving into the house when I move out. it's almost as if they're replacing me. I know they're not, but I can't help feeling like it with everything that's been going on.
Julie told me last weekend she feels like she's going to lose me when I move. well if she keeps pushing me away, she will. and of course I'm going to be blamed for it because everyone else is perfect. I don't want to fight back. I don't want to keep trying to keep her close. I don't know why. I'm fine with Kaitlyn replacing me and I think because of her, I can't feel anymore. I opened my heart, let my wall down, to Julie and now all she's doing is pushing me away. I knew I was going to get hurt; so why did I do it? why did I let her in?
I have this fear that when I move into my apartment, I'm going to literally be alone. not just living alone, but actually be alone. and it scares me. but I need to do this for me. I need my own place. in the area I want to be. I just can't help but want to fall back on others when I need to grow up and be independent and only depend on myself. cuz in the end, I'm always going to be there.
all I have to say is...AHHHHH!!
obviously Kaitlyn and I don't talk. now it's gotten to the point where I NEVER see Chris and I usually only see Julie at work. I'm getting so tired of being pushed away by people. I feel like a burden. like no one wants me around. plus, Chris and Julies friends Jessi and Gavin are moving into the house when I move out. it's almost as if they're replacing me. I know they're not, but I can't help feeling like it with everything that's been going on.
Julie told me last weekend she feels like she's going to lose me when I move. well if she keeps pushing me away, she will. and of course I'm going to be blamed for it because everyone else is perfect. I don't want to fight back. I don't want to keep trying to keep her close. I don't know why. I'm fine with Kaitlyn replacing me and I think because of her, I can't feel anymore. I opened my heart, let my wall down, to Julie and now all she's doing is pushing me away. I knew I was going to get hurt; so why did I do it? why did I let her in?
I have this fear that when I move into my apartment, I'm going to literally be alone. not just living alone, but actually be alone. and it scares me. but I need to do this for me. I need my own place. in the area I want to be. I just can't help but want to fall back on others when I need to grow up and be independent and only depend on myself. cuz in the end, I'm always going to be there.
all I have to say is...AHHHHH!!