(no subject)
in a few short days, it will be a year. I hadn't thought about this one bit until he started trying to wedge his way back into my life. why? you rape me. harrass me. threaten me. tell me that I was "the best lay you ever had." tell everyone that I said you raped me because I wanted attention. does me not saying "get off me" or "no" or trying with all my might to keep my fucking pants on say anything to you? does me crying while this whole thing is happening not say anything to you? can you honestly sit there and tell me that you didn't rape me. you say you were scared when word got out that I told my friend what happened that night. do you not think that I was scared? why would you even say any of that shit to anyone like you said to me a couple days after? hell, even months after.
I hate myself for not turning you in. I hate myself for being so fucking scared that instead of turning you in, I ran away. I hate myself for putting me in that situation. I hate you for fooling me into it. I hate you for raping me. I hate you for making me afraid. I hate you for harrassing me. and all the things you said the many weeks after. how could you possibly want to be back in my life?
oh wait, I know. you told me the other night you wanted to be inside me. that you wanted to make me cum. and you'd pay for a plane ticket for me to come out there so you can "give me a night of exstacy" what the hell is wrong with you? why can't you just leave me alone?
I would love to be able to go through my days and not think about this for one second. I'd love to go back to last summer and listen to what Matt and Kim were telling me. that's the problem with me, I want acceptance so much from people that I let people in who don't belong.
I wish I wasn't so scared of the male gender now. I wish I could trust people. I wish I had respect for guys. I do for the ones who were in my life before you came along. but thanks to you, I go through my days afraid of that night happening all over again. I want to hurt you so bad. but no pain you ever go through, will amount to the pain you've caused me.
I hate myself for not turning you in. I hate myself for being so fucking scared that instead of turning you in, I ran away. I hate myself for putting me in that situation. I hate you for fooling me into it. I hate you for raping me. I hate you for making me afraid. I hate you for harrassing me. and all the things you said the many weeks after. how could you possibly want to be back in my life?
oh wait, I know. you told me the other night you wanted to be inside me. that you wanted to make me cum. and you'd pay for a plane ticket for me to come out there so you can "give me a night of exstacy" what the hell is wrong with you? why can't you just leave me alone?
I would love to be able to go through my days and not think about this for one second. I'd love to go back to last summer and listen to what Matt and Kim were telling me. that's the problem with me, I want acceptance so much from people that I let people in who don't belong.
I wish I wasn't so scared of the male gender now. I wish I could trust people. I wish I had respect for guys. I do for the ones who were in my life before you came along. but thanks to you, I go through my days afraid of that night happening all over again. I want to hurt you so bad. but no pain you ever go through, will amount to the pain you've caused me.