[everyone fades away in the end.]
for some reason, I was in the middle of watching the oc just now and started crying.
I miss so many people. as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm going to miss this place so much. but I really need to do this for me. as hard as it is.
I miss the fact of being so close to Jessi. having someone to go shopping with. to go to the tempe dollar theatre. hell, just someone to lay around and talk about pointless shit for hours on end. I can honestly tell you that I still don't think I miss her, I just miss the way we were.
I've finally gotten over missing Derek. besides the occasional hearing a few songs or seeing 2:24 on the clock, I don't think about him much anymore. I don't feel that sense of pain, hurt, or anger in my heart for him. I just wish things were different. I don't want to go through the rest of my life knowing someone who meant so much to me for quite a few years, hates me now for something I still don't know what for.
I know she's reading this sooner or later, but I sorta miss Kim. I miss all the fun convos and all that junk. I dunno.
I miss Shanea, Yell, Andy, and Charles so incredibly much. Shanea moved away to Colorado. but the other three, they're practically right next door, yet feel like a million miles away. in an attempt to make things better with my relationship with Jessi...I lost everyone. I knew it would happen but I couldn't deal with all the bullshit that she was putting me through.
I'm so lost. with myself. in life. with my family. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do. that I need to move on a really start my life. yet, I keep wanting to go back to the past. to the way things were before I lost everyone. to before my sister became one of my enemies. to before my dads girlfriend. before I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
I want to go back to where my bestfriends were Kaitlyn and Justin. to where nothing else mattered in my life but them. I want to go back to the times when I felt so alone, yet I knew I wasn't. the times when I felt safe and that nothing could ever tear me down. this is the hard part of growing up...actually growing up.
I miss the boys I grew up with. Chris, Josh, Eric, and even my first everything, David. seeing Eric and Josh last weekend really hit me hard.
I want to go back to the times when I was first in my dads life. I really wish last night had never happened. call me selfish but as bad as this sounds, I don't want my dad to be happy. at least not with her. maybe I'm just jealous, and maybe I'm just in shock that this is the first significant other either of my parents have had other than each other since I was 8. I don't know how to take it.
I need you so much closer. but I don't know how to ask.
these next two weeks, as I get ready to leave, I plan to be a hermit. it'll be easier to say goodbye to my life. to my home. theres only a few people I want to say goodbye to and it not mean "forever."
Shawn, Brian, Chelsea, and Steph...these four have slowly made a dent into my heart believe it or not. that is something that's very hard to do with me. I've found an amazing friend in Steph. I found someone who I can relate to like no other. she is the easiest person in the world to talk to about anything. she really is like my twin. I've only known her a short 4 months yet I feel like I've known her my whole life. I don't want to leave her. she's definitely made herself a permanent spot in my heart.
man oh man. I'm going to stop writing now. I think the rest needs to stay bottled up inside.
this is me running away.
I miss so many people. as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm going to miss this place so much. but I really need to do this for me. as hard as it is.
I miss the fact of being so close to Jessi. having someone to go shopping with. to go to the tempe dollar theatre. hell, just someone to lay around and talk about pointless shit for hours on end. I can honestly tell you that I still don't think I miss her, I just miss the way we were.
I've finally gotten over missing Derek. besides the occasional hearing a few songs or seeing 2:24 on the clock, I don't think about him much anymore. I don't feel that sense of pain, hurt, or anger in my heart for him. I just wish things were different. I don't want to go through the rest of my life knowing someone who meant so much to me for quite a few years, hates me now for something I still don't know what for.
I know she's reading this sooner or later, but I sorta miss Kim. I miss all the fun convos and all that junk. I dunno.
I miss Shanea, Yell, Andy, and Charles so incredibly much. Shanea moved away to Colorado. but the other three, they're practically right next door, yet feel like a million miles away. in an attempt to make things better with my relationship with Jessi...I lost everyone. I knew it would happen but I couldn't deal with all the bullshit that she was putting me through.
I'm so lost. with myself. in life. with my family. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing to do. that I need to move on a really start my life. yet, I keep wanting to go back to the past. to the way things were before I lost everyone. to before my sister became one of my enemies. to before my dads girlfriend. before I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
I want to go back to where my bestfriends were Kaitlyn and Justin. to where nothing else mattered in my life but them. I want to go back to the times when I felt so alone, yet I knew I wasn't. the times when I felt safe and that nothing could ever tear me down. this is the hard part of growing up...actually growing up.
I miss the boys I grew up with. Chris, Josh, Eric, and even my first everything, David. seeing Eric and Josh last weekend really hit me hard.
I want to go back to the times when I was first in my dads life. I really wish last night had never happened. call me selfish but as bad as this sounds, I don't want my dad to be happy. at least not with her. maybe I'm just jealous, and maybe I'm just in shock that this is the first significant other either of my parents have had other than each other since I was 8. I don't know how to take it.
I need you so much closer. but I don't know how to ask.
these next two weeks, as I get ready to leave, I plan to be a hermit. it'll be easier to say goodbye to my life. to my home. theres only a few people I want to say goodbye to and it not mean "forever."
Shawn, Brian, Chelsea, and Steph...these four have slowly made a dent into my heart believe it or not. that is something that's very hard to do with me. I've found an amazing friend in Steph. I found someone who I can relate to like no other. she is the easiest person in the world to talk to about anything. she really is like my twin. I've only known her a short 4 months yet I feel like I've known her my whole life. I don't want to leave her. she's definitely made herself a permanent spot in my heart.
man oh man. I'm going to stop writing now. I think the rest needs to stay bottled up inside.
this is me running away.