Sometimes I wonder
I like knowing that things will be the same but I also like doing something different and spontanous every once in a while. I like knowing that I'll always have someone there even if they believe I don't open up to them that often. Thats how I am, really thats who I am. I've been disappointed too many times in life that it takes a great deal of time to actually let you know everything about me but ha! who really tells everyone everything? Everyone has at least a little tiny secret that no one knows except for themselves. Am I right?
I fear that I'm not a good friend, that my temper can get to many people and lately my temper hasn't helped anything expsecially to a couple friends that I cherish very deeply. Why do I get so irritated at times? I have no clue and I wish I could sometimes control them but after I say things I start to think and wonder why that even came out why I would think such awful thoughts and to hurt someone I love very much. I fear that my temper will never go away and that I'm stuck with it my whole life. That one day it will just get out of hand and I'll be by myself. I was once told(heard from) that while my first semester of college was going on and I was drinking a lot that my temper wasn't so bad and that maybe I need to get back on the booze. For this scares me and makes me wonder if its true. If it is I don't know what I want to do. For drinking didn't solve anything but make my work ability go down hill and the managers noticed too and my friends worry for me. To have been told that I need to straighten up and do better was terrible. For one of the reason I did quit.
I honeslty don't know anymore. I don't know who I am or will be. I have no clue even to what I want to be. Does everyone get this confuesed too when getting older?
My converstation with Alvaro didn't help either with him asking me what I'm going to school for and what I want to do and my reply was.....
"no clue"
and his come back was.....
"how do you not know."
"How do I not know? Shouldn't I know?"
I need to get away, do something different. I want a change this summer.
I've noticed something in these past few weeks....I'm throwing myself back into work when I know that my schedule before got my bills paid for just fine.
-stephanie