a broken friendship
: your new format rocks...
_d
2004-10-03 05:52 (link)
_b,
why are you breaking your promise to me that you wouldn't send any packages? why are you hurting me? i thought you know how much i care for you. i love you as the bestest friend that i never had.
in fact, i wrote this just for you i hope that you read it:
return to sender [a post about broken friendships]
Who: My bestest friend in the whole wide world.
What: Talked shit behind my back, stabbed me in the back, jeopardized my job and our friendship
When: Since Friday until Monday when I finally spoke to him
Where: On the phone
Why: Because i don't like him more than a friend, because I feel uncomfortable telling him that i love him and that i am his.
Why not: i've been dealing with a lot of things lately. Things are going to be rough in my life for the next couple of years. I honestly thought that I had a friend who I could count on, but now that I drew the line in our friendship, he seeks vengance for my actions.
I feel betrayed by my own friend. I've known him for years, although i never actually met him. He is about 11 years older than me, he doesn't have a job, he has been in and out of rehab centers, and he is bisexual. He was the only person who ever called consistently to see how i was doing. He was the only one who seemed to be patient enough to stick around and be a good ear. Every time i pushed him away, he was always there when i came back. However, recently he became enraged with jealousy and possessiveness when i became a single man. He made it clear that if i couldn't have him, then no one could. I always made it clear to him that i was not gay, and that i could never see him more than a friend.
He sent me money for my daughter as a gift. I returned the favor and sent him a gift card to the chili's restaurant. However, he sent an expensive money order a week later and i made it clear that i couldn't take his money. He insisted, but i never cashed it. Then he became very insecure and started accusing me of being a liar, a cheat and a swindler. It hurt my feelings to realize that this whole time he had been devising a way to hurt me. He said that he printed out my livejournal entries, called my work to report that i was a suspicious individual and threatened to have my job if i didn't speak to him. Needless to say, i was absolutely crushed and fueled with disbelief.
I finally spoke to him and made it clear that i'm hurt. I sent him a certified letter with his money order and a letter stating never to call me or write to me ever again or face legalities. I began to receive more and more mail from him and i returned every package. he apologized for calling my work and stuff. I basically made it clear that it was over. of course, it's hard for me to push people away that i actually care about. Now that we are not friends, i went to his lj and here are some things that i read...
"dude? the next time i fall for somebody on l/j or take a 300 mile friendship was too serious, i beg of you to kill me ninja style! make it gruesome guav! ....by the way what are you doin' tonite? heh heh...."
"....everytime i try to walk away....i keep thinking if we really cared about one another , let go! you let and i'll let go too. why does friendship/love feel like a bloody mix tape of emotions, feelings , love, pain, and (sigh) the unexplainable.
i recently smashed the shit out of one....because it really wasn't truly intended for me....and i wasn't up to sharing , let alone play guessing games of which song was for me....so i tossed the damn thing....i knew it wasn't really for me....why would anyone do anything that special for me...."
So much for bestest friends. i think it's really odd how things don't get any easier once you cross that line of friendship. you know? well, deleting people from my friend's list is hard enough as it is. why? because it's hard for me to end friendships... let alone make them. it's almost once i open up, i send a piece of my heart to these people through what i say and how i truly feel on the inside. once i am honest, somehow... things change.
i will always love you _b, i just wanted you to know how hurt i am and that it will take time for me to heal to be friends again. i'm sorry that i am not perfect.
(Reply to this)
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a letter of response to danny from beaux 12/24/04
dear danny,
always be happy wherever you may be.....i too will always love you.
love,
beaux
_d
2004-10-03 05:52 (link)
_b,
why are you breaking your promise to me that you wouldn't send any packages? why are you hurting me? i thought you know how much i care for you. i love you as the bestest friend that i never had.
in fact, i wrote this just for you i hope that you read it:
return to sender [a post about broken friendships]
Who: My bestest friend in the whole wide world.
What: Talked shit behind my back, stabbed me in the back, jeopardized my job and our friendship
When: Since Friday until Monday when I finally spoke to him
Where: On the phone
Why: Because i don't like him more than a friend, because I feel uncomfortable telling him that i love him and that i am his.
Why not: i've been dealing with a lot of things lately. Things are going to be rough in my life for the next couple of years. I honestly thought that I had a friend who I could count on, but now that I drew the line in our friendship, he seeks vengance for my actions.
I feel betrayed by my own friend. I've known him for years, although i never actually met him. He is about 11 years older than me, he doesn't have a job, he has been in and out of rehab centers, and he is bisexual. He was the only person who ever called consistently to see how i was doing. He was the only one who seemed to be patient enough to stick around and be a good ear. Every time i pushed him away, he was always there when i came back. However, recently he became enraged with jealousy and possessiveness when i became a single man. He made it clear that if i couldn't have him, then no one could. I always made it clear to him that i was not gay, and that i could never see him more than a friend.
He sent me money for my daughter as a gift. I returned the favor and sent him a gift card to the chili's restaurant. However, he sent an expensive money order a week later and i made it clear that i couldn't take his money. He insisted, but i never cashed it. Then he became very insecure and started accusing me of being a liar, a cheat and a swindler. It hurt my feelings to realize that this whole time he had been devising a way to hurt me. He said that he printed out my livejournal entries, called my work to report that i was a suspicious individual and threatened to have my job if i didn't speak to him. Needless to say, i was absolutely crushed and fueled with disbelief.
I finally spoke to him and made it clear that i'm hurt. I sent him a certified letter with his money order and a letter stating never to call me or write to me ever again or face legalities. I began to receive more and more mail from him and i returned every package. he apologized for calling my work and stuff. I basically made it clear that it was over. of course, it's hard for me to push people away that i actually care about. Now that we are not friends, i went to his lj and here are some things that i read...
"dude? the next time i fall for somebody on l/j or take a 300 mile friendship was too serious, i beg of you to kill me ninja style! make it gruesome guav! ....by the way what are you doin' tonite? heh heh...."
"....everytime i try to walk away....i keep thinking if we really cared about one another , let go! you let and i'll let go too. why does friendship/love feel like a bloody mix tape of emotions, feelings , love, pain, and (sigh) the unexplainable.
i recently smashed the shit out of one....because it really wasn't truly intended for me....and i wasn't up to sharing , let alone play guessing games of which song was for me....so i tossed the damn thing....i knew it wasn't really for me....why would anyone do anything that special for me...."
So much for bestest friends. i think it's really odd how things don't get any easier once you cross that line of friendship. you know? well, deleting people from my friend's list is hard enough as it is. why? because it's hard for me to end friendships... let alone make them. it's almost once i open up, i send a piece of my heart to these people through what i say and how i truly feel on the inside. once i am honest, somehow... things change.
i will always love you _b, i just wanted you to know how hurt i am and that it will take time for me to heal to be friends again. i'm sorry that i am not perfect.
(Reply to this)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a letter of response to danny from beaux 12/24/04
dear danny,
always be happy wherever you may be.....i too will always love you.
love,
beaux