mothers, sisters, daughters, wives
"I tend not to write things down because, if I do, it makes them real."
In response to Katie's poigant relization I must confess I feel the same way, which is why I have not writen on a certian feeling that has been present in me for qiute sometime now.. But now that it all just came out I feel I need to just write. I need to write this before I finish this english essay due tomorrow(in which I am less then halfway done and it is approaching nine Oclock)
My mom's boyfriend Tom has been here for the past week, on leave from Iraq for a short amount of time. He will be done there for good in September and then moving in with his 14 year old son. My mom is so in love with Tom, and he is a decent guy..it defintly makes me feel good t osee just how happy she is now.
Today as I was writing my essay on the laptop which Tom randomly bought me, and listening to the Ipod he gave me after mine was stolen, my mom called me downstairs to show me somthing. It was a incredibly huge plasma or something TV in replace of our modest old TV. I sighed loudly and said somthing imature like "this house looks more stupid everyday" and stormed upstairs. My mom came up to my room and siad " That wasn't very nice.." and then I felt really bad becsaue I didn't mean to offend Tom, and I pretty much felt like a jerk. After I got home form Drama a little bit ago I came in forgetting abotu this stupid huge TV and then saw it and just started getting really angry. My mom was not home so I proceded to jsut have a fake conversation with her in my head yelling at her on how I still live here and was not asked whether I wanted any of these new ajustments her adn Tom are making to the house. First it was thier big stupid camper they bought adn put in the lawn, then one morning I woke up to an extension being put on my deck for the hottub we got from Toms house. Then they put this obnouxious TV in the Kitchen which looks really out of place and stupid. Same with the rearranged livingroom for this big huge chair we put in from Toms house. But the gigantic TV in the livingroom...that just pushed it. Our was cute and cozy before, now its all pseudorich filled with junk we don't need. In my head I went on to pretend telling my mom how I am embaressed to have anyone over now and I am thinking about moving in with my sister till College. I was REALLY angry. I then said (in this pretend conversation) I still live here till September, and once I move out and your new family moves in you can make all the changes you want, while you have your stupid little parties with all of Toms family.
Then I jsut lost it, I started crying so hard. And I was like why am I crying over this TV, becasue I had really convinced myself thats what it was over. But I realized it was not about that. I thought back to Sunday when my mom was having one of her frequent parties with all Toms relatives, and I was hiding in my room all day, I went down for a second and heard Tom niece, this girl who is my age and a little bit irratating, say to my mom "I'm jsut kidding, you know I love you aunt Ann" It very much made me go back adn hide in my room. The reason I was crying so ahrd is becasue I dont want my mom to have this new family I'm not part of. And that alone makess me cry harder becasue Ifeel so selfish knowing how happy my mom is, and I'm so immature for feeling jealous of these people. I don't want to go ot college and come home to a place that isn't really home..to a family who is not really my family. I don't want my mom to have all these fun times with her new family and not be a part of any of it.
I love my mom. I want to think that I made her the happest she could be, I want her to be as exicited to talk to me as she is to talk to Toms son. I regret not talking to her to her and much adn being as open with her and letting her know how much I appreciate her.
...I dont want to this change to happen, but its too late...and I can't even tell her how I feel. uhhhhh I am crying way to much to write anymore clear sentences.
I love my mom.
I'm such a jerk.