ah confusion
okay, so here's amy's long awaited entry.
im not doing so well. im so confused. i havent been sleeping well, i feel like shit, im an emotional trainwreck. all i want to do is sleep and just stay asleep. i used to fall asleep easy because i knew my world was complete. i may not be at the exact place i wanted to be in some respects, but at least had what i had always wanted.
these past three or so months i've been a wreck. when colin told me that he wanted to break up with me to experience other things and talk to other people, i felt so betrayed. my whole world was just taken away from me. i realize the worst thing to do is make one, sole person your life, but in all honesty, he is. i've told him and i think i may have told kurt, but i was really depressed. i had no real reason to get up in the morning. i loved my friends with all my heart, but i just didn't want to do this any more. i felt kinda stuck in the motions. i know all this sounds stupid and perhaps even cliche, but these were my real thoughts and feelings. make fun of me and tell me how easy i have it, go ahead and try. my life, my entire fucking life, has been a string of one let down after another. my house life, my relationships, everything.
so one day this girl and this boy hung out. and it just clicked. and it grew from there. i told him before that he saved me in every way a person can be saved. i had something to live for, to wake for, to eat healthy and take care of myself for. he built my confidence in myself. if you used to know me, look at me now. im still weird goofy amy dodenhoff, but i can now at least be a little more at ease with myself. i am a lot more comfortable with myself ((although i am starting to feel the old insecurities breaking through)).
yeah, he has is moments where i cant stand him. but he also has those moments where he is the absolute most amazing person. i remember how frequent those times used ot be and how they seem to be few and far between now. it just kills me, how i can't be totally sure about his feelings. nopthing is ever perfect. emotions are never white and black. i of all people know this. it's just, i am the type who needs reassuring and stability. i have enough inner chaos going on.
maybe i am just overanalyzing. maybe this is just my depression.
he just seems so distracted. so distant. maybe this is just his depression. i'll wait it out. i just dont want to have my hopes up again.
i know i have people who love and care for me. i love you guys with all my heart. dont worry bout me. ill keep my head up. its just ...i cant put into words how i feel. i am such a mess. kurt kinda touched upon how i feel kinda. its not exactly the same, but heres how i can best describe it: i have all this love, adoration all this EMOTION for colin....and knwo it wouldn't be wasted...but i dont want all this to be for nothing. i dont want it all to be channeled just into this dead end.
as i said, emotions are never black and white. you also can't help how you feel. i have quite a few friends that try to tell me that colin is horrible and i should just cut all ties. im sorry but when you have a relationship like ours, you cant just end things. colin and i, we're best friends. people only hear the negative. this isnt battered wife syndrome. it has nothing to do with the duration of our relationship. we have a connection, one ive never felt with another. im not saying we'll be together forever, but well always have at least that bond. if i never go out with another person im alright with that. ive experienced true love, ive found the love of my life. ill fight tooth and nail for it too.
im sick and tired of all these people with alterior motives. im speaking generally. im also sick of my single serving friends, if you will. im sick of all this fake bullshit. i am perfectly happy with my close knit group of friends. i am not going to try and make new friends, ive found the people i can be myself completely around. the people i can rely on.
i dunno... i have so much more i need to type here so much more to get out... ill have to finish this at a later date... but this will be continued. ((dun dun dun))
im not doing so well. im so confused. i havent been sleeping well, i feel like shit, im an emotional trainwreck. all i want to do is sleep and just stay asleep. i used to fall asleep easy because i knew my world was complete. i may not be at the exact place i wanted to be in some respects, but at least had what i had always wanted.
these past three or so months i've been a wreck. when colin told me that he wanted to break up with me to experience other things and talk to other people, i felt so betrayed. my whole world was just taken away from me. i realize the worst thing to do is make one, sole person your life, but in all honesty, he is. i've told him and i think i may have told kurt, but i was really depressed. i had no real reason to get up in the morning. i loved my friends with all my heart, but i just didn't want to do this any more. i felt kinda stuck in the motions. i know all this sounds stupid and perhaps even cliche, but these were my real thoughts and feelings. make fun of me and tell me how easy i have it, go ahead and try. my life, my entire fucking life, has been a string of one let down after another. my house life, my relationships, everything.
so one day this girl and this boy hung out. and it just clicked. and it grew from there. i told him before that he saved me in every way a person can be saved. i had something to live for, to wake for, to eat healthy and take care of myself for. he built my confidence in myself. if you used to know me, look at me now. im still weird goofy amy dodenhoff, but i can now at least be a little more at ease with myself. i am a lot more comfortable with myself ((although i am starting to feel the old insecurities breaking through)).
yeah, he has is moments where i cant stand him. but he also has those moments where he is the absolute most amazing person. i remember how frequent those times used ot be and how they seem to be few and far between now. it just kills me, how i can't be totally sure about his feelings. nopthing is ever perfect. emotions are never white and black. i of all people know this. it's just, i am the type who needs reassuring and stability. i have enough inner chaos going on.
maybe i am just overanalyzing. maybe this is just my depression.
he just seems so distracted. so distant. maybe this is just his depression. i'll wait it out. i just dont want to have my hopes up again.
i know i have people who love and care for me. i love you guys with all my heart. dont worry bout me. ill keep my head up. its just ...i cant put into words how i feel. i am such a mess. kurt kinda touched upon how i feel kinda. its not exactly the same, but heres how i can best describe it: i have all this love, adoration all this EMOTION for colin....and knwo it wouldn't be wasted...but i dont want all this to be for nothing. i dont want it all to be channeled just into this dead end.
as i said, emotions are never black and white. you also can't help how you feel. i have quite a few friends that try to tell me that colin is horrible and i should just cut all ties. im sorry but when you have a relationship like ours, you cant just end things. colin and i, we're best friends. people only hear the negative. this isnt battered wife syndrome. it has nothing to do with the duration of our relationship. we have a connection, one ive never felt with another. im not saying we'll be together forever, but well always have at least that bond. if i never go out with another person im alright with that. ive experienced true love, ive found the love of my life. ill fight tooth and nail for it too.
im sick and tired of all these people with alterior motives. im speaking generally. im also sick of my single serving friends, if you will. im sick of all this fake bullshit. i am perfectly happy with my close knit group of friends. i am not going to try and make new friends, ive found the people i can be myself completely around. the people i can rely on.
i dunno... i have so much more i need to type here so much more to get out... ill have to finish this at a later date... but this will be continued. ((dun dun dun))