Hmm...
Okay, I guess I lied.
I'm not going on hiatus from LJ, because I spend too much time staring at the computer screen to not spend time on LJ.
Things suck a lot right now...I guess I've been dumped (and I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling slightly less than peachy), and rather than thinking rationally and taking time to think and calm down and give myself time to stop crying and really put things in perspective, I did something really really stupid.
I shouldn't have done it, and in the end it didn't help at all...so what did I do? I did it again in the morning; and all I've got now that it's done and over is a sore throat, bruises on my stomach, and a wicked stomachache. I feel really really terrible. I thought I might actually be over all of that, but I guess I'm not.
But I've talked with 3 different people now, and each of them have done a little bit to help, and I've decided that no matter how lonely, rejected, and stupid I feel from all of this...I'm going to try to not let it get to me so badly. Because I stayed up literally all night crying - and what did it get me? ...Nothing. Did throwing up until there was nothing left and ending up with the dry heaves for half an hour do me any good? - Other than getting me to stop feeling for a short while, no. It didn't. All the feelings came rushing right back once I was finished, so it did me no good at all...And I feel really stupid because I did it again this morning. It was like I couldn't stop myself; kind of like I was outside myself, watching myself do it. I just wanted to make it stop hurting for a while...
But what's done is done, and I can't un-do it and I can't make people feel things that they don't so there's no point in tying to. I guess there's really nothing to do but try to get over it and hope for the best and pray that he still wants to be my friend- because without him to talk to I'll go nuts.
aaand, a ton of surveys stolen from forgotten_story, because I have nothing better to do with my life...
(_) ever smoked marijuana
(_) been drunk
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) stolen a car
(_) been to Japan
(_) played mailbox baseball
(_) ridden in a taxi
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
(_) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(_) been in a fist fight
(_) kicked someone's butt
(X) snuck out of my parent's house
(_) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(_) made out with a stranger
(_) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(_) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(X) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children
(_) had sex
(_) seen someone die
(_) been to Africa
(_) had a crush on one of my Live journal friends
(X) slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(_) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(_) Been on a plane
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(_) Eaten Sushi
(_) Been snowboarding
(_) Met someone in person from the internet
(X) Been moshing at a concert
(_) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(_) been in an abusive relationship
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) lost a child
(_) gone to college
(_) graduated college
(X) tried killing yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(_) walked a tightrope along train tracks
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(_) had a tea party (real and imaginary)
(X) flown a kite.
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
(_) climbed a volcano
(_) used a fake id
(X) gone ice skating
(X) watched the sunset
(_) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake
(X) slept beneath the stars
(_) ridden on a camel
(_) climbed a mountain
(X) played "clue"
(X) had a sleepover
(X) been tickled
(_) seen a UFO
(X) told a lie
(_) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(X) been fishing
(_) snuck into a movie
(_) consulted a psychic
(X) petted a reindeer/goat
(X) won a contest
(X) been to a zoo
(_) seen your mom cry at a funeral
(_) run a red light
(_) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car accident
(X) had braces
(X) felt like an outcast
(_) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) had deja vu
(X) touched a starfish
(_) danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look
(X) jousted/sword fought/jedi lightsaber
(_) witnessed a crime
(_) been spit on by a llama
(_) pole danced Not for real, haha
(X) met anyone famous
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been to the circus
(_) been to jail
(X) laughed during a sad scene in a movie/tv show
(X) played with an etch a sketch
(_) eaten caviar
(_) been obsessed with post-it notes
(X) hated your computer
(X) owned a pet
(X) made a banana-split
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(_) had a midnight picnic
(_) been to the opposite side of the country
(_) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(_) laughed in the middle of church
(_) stepped on a nail so that it went into your foot Does glass count?
(_) made homemade ice cream
(X) actually enjoyed your classes
(X) used a magic 8 ball
(X) made a flower chain necklace or other type of jewelry
(X) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils
(_) seen a moose up close
(X) sung karaoke
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you would never do
(X) played air guitar
(X) tripped up the stairs
(_) had a crush on a family member (Ewww)
(X) made a mud pie
(X) made prank phone calls
(_) seen a broadway show on broadway
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) danced in the rain
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus
(_) been kissed under a mistletoe
(_) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
(_) made a bonfire on the beach
(_) crashed a party
(X) gone rollerskating
(_) cut down a christmas tree
(_) play p dittle
(X) had a wish come true
Seven things in my room:
1- My lamp
2- My Stereo
3- My bookshelf
4- Pictures of my friends
5- TV
6- Dresser
7- Me
Seven things to do before death:
1- Go to college
2- Get married
3- Have Kids
4- Get better
5- Be okay with myself
6- Be Happy
7- Do something crazy without caring about the consequences or feeling guilty afterwards, and enjoy it.
Top seven movies:
1- Girl, Interrupted
2- Center Stage
3- Moulin Rouge
4- Chicago
5- The Princess Diaries 1 & 2 (Shut up. What girl DOESN'T want to be a princess?)
6- The Notebook
7- The Nightmare Before Christmas
Top seven things you say most:
1- Chya.
2- Huh?
3- Mmhm
4- Yup
5- Don't!
6- I dunno.
7- Ouch.
Seven facts about you:
1- I'm a complete Hopeless Romantic. Mushy things make me melt.
2- I usually feel very lonely.
3- I had my appendix taken out.
4- I like writing in LJ because I can get my feelings out without getting a writer's cramp or having to say anything to anybody directly.
5- I hate confrontation.
6- I second guess myself too much.
7- It takes a lot to upset me, but once I'm upset I go nuts. It sucks.
Seven things that make you sad or mad:
1- My body
2- Being alone
3- Lies
4- Some memories
5- Sad movies
6- Grades.
7- People.
DO YOU:
Smoke?: No.
Read the newspaper?: Sometimes when I'm bored in study hall.
Pray?: Yes.
Gone skinny dipping? Nope.
Had a medical emergency?: Sort of.
Had surgery?: Yes.
Ran away from home?: No, but I thought about it a LOT.
Played strip poker?: No.
Beaten someone up?: No.
Been on stage?: Yes.
Slept outdoors?: Um...not really. I've slept in a van.
Pulled an all nighter?: Yes. Many times.
If yes, what is your record?: 2 nights
Ever made out with a stranger?: No.
Been on radio/tv?: Yeah
Been in a mosh-pit?: Yeah
First kiss?: I've had it, and you don't need to know the who/where/when.
Pepsi or coke?: Whichever as long as it's diet.
Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate.
Internet or phone?: Internet
ARE YOU:
Suicidal?: No
Stubborn?: As stubborn as the day is long.
Open-minded?: Most of the time.
Arrogant?: Hopefully not.
Patient?: Depends on the situation.
Hyper?: Sometimes.
Nice?: I try.
Happy?: Not so much anymore, but I try.
Shave your head for $1000?: No. Add a bunch of zeros and we'll talk.
Like candles?: Yeah
Believe in love at first sight?: Yes.
Believe in forgiveness?: Yes.
Want to get married?: Yeah
Want to have kids?: Yeah
Ever want to adopt kids?: I'd rather have my own.
ABOUT YOU:
[three words that sum you up]: Stubborn, Lonely, Bored
[jewelry worn daily]: My rings.
[wallet]: Pink with a black cat on it.
[coffee]: YES.
[shoes]: Very good things.
[cologne/perfume]: Who cares?
[clothing you have on]: Jeans and my sweatshirt from the play.
-IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...-
[cried]: Yes.
[bought something]: No.
[gotten sick]: Yes.
[sang]: No.
[eaten]: No.
[been kissed]: No.
[felt stupid]: YES.
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: Yes.
[seen someone you have a crush on]: No.
[had a serious talk]: Yes.
[missed someone]: Yes.
[hugged someone]: yes.
[argued with a parent(s)]: No.
-SOCIAL LIFE-
[best girl friends]: Sarah.
[best guy friends]: Jason...well, that is if he wants to still be friends with me.
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: Noooone right now.
[hobbies]: Blah.
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: Depends on who.
[like being around people]: Sometimes.
LAST PERSON WHO
. Slept in your bed: Me
. Saw you cry: I don't let people see me cry.
. Made you cry: Jason.
. You shared a drink with: Danny - My mocha frappuccino too! :(
. You went to the movies with: Jason.
. You went to the mall with: I Dunno.
. Yelled at you: Haven't been yelled at in a while.
HAVE YOU EVER...
. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: Yes.
. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Sort of. It wasn't that crazy.
. Wish you were the opposite sex: About once a month. :)
. Had an imaginary friend: Not that I remember.
. What book are you reading now: The Witching Hour - Anne Rice, The Truth About Forever - Sarah Dessen.
. What's under your bed: shoes.
. Favorite sport to watch: I dont' care.
. Siblings: My brother.
. College plans: I don't know. Whichever place will accept me and give me financial aid, I guess.
. Piercings/tattoos: Ears.
. Do you do drugs: No
. Do you drink: No
. Who is your best friend: Sarah.
. What clothes do you sleep in: Pj pants or boxers and a T-shirt
. Where do you want to get married: I don't know. Who says anybody will want to marry me?
. Who do you really hate: Me.
STUFF
. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: I guess so...
. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: Yeeeeah.
. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: No.
. Song thats stick in your head a lot: "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" - Oasis.
"Konstantine" - Something Corporate.
. Band(s): Blink 182, Jet, Fastball, Something Corporate, Oasis, Green Day, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Crossfade, Switchfoot, Relient K, Bowling for Soup, Sarah McLachlan, Aslyn, Guns n Roses, ACDC, Yellowcard, Nightwish, Maroon 5, Ash, Alkaline Trio, Keane, Howie Day, Ben Jelen, Tsumani Bomb, Dropkick Murphys, Mad Caddies, Thrice, Aerosmith, etc...
. Color: Pink
I'm not going on hiatus from LJ, because I spend too much time staring at the computer screen to not spend time on LJ.
Things suck a lot right now...I guess I've been dumped (and I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling slightly less than peachy), and rather than thinking rationally and taking time to think and calm down and give myself time to stop crying and really put things in perspective, I did something really really stupid.
I shouldn't have done it, and in the end it didn't help at all...so what did I do? I did it again in the morning; and all I've got now that it's done and over is a sore throat, bruises on my stomach, and a wicked stomachache. I feel really really terrible. I thought I might actually be over all of that, but I guess I'm not.
But I've talked with 3 different people now, and each of them have done a little bit to help, and I've decided that no matter how lonely, rejected, and stupid I feel from all of this...I'm going to try to not let it get to me so badly. Because I stayed up literally all night crying - and what did it get me? ...Nothing. Did throwing up until there was nothing left and ending up with the dry heaves for half an hour do me any good? - Other than getting me to stop feeling for a short while, no. It didn't. All the feelings came rushing right back once I was finished, so it did me no good at all...And I feel really stupid because I did it again this morning. It was like I couldn't stop myself; kind of like I was outside myself, watching myself do it. I just wanted to make it stop hurting for a while...
But what's done is done, and I can't un-do it and I can't make people feel things that they don't so there's no point in tying to. I guess there's really nothing to do but try to get over it and hope for the best and pray that he still wants to be my friend- because without him to talk to I'll go nuts.
aaand, a ton of surveys stolen from forgotten_story, because I have nothing better to do with my life...
(_) ever smoked marijuana
(_) been drunk
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) stolen a car
(_) been to Japan
(_) played mailbox baseball
(_) ridden in a taxi
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
(_) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(_) been in a fist fight
(_) kicked someone's butt
(X) snuck out of my parent's house
(_) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(_) made out with a stranger
(_) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(_) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(X) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children
(_) had sex
(_) seen someone die
(_) been to Africa
(_) had a crush on one of my Live journal friends
(X) slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(_) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(_) Been on a plane
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(_) Eaten Sushi
(_) Been snowboarding
(_) Met someone in person from the internet
(X) Been moshing at a concert
(_) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(_) been in an abusive relationship
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) lost a child
(_) gone to college
(_) graduated college
(X) tried killing yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(_) walked a tightrope along train tracks
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(_) had a tea party (real and imaginary)
(X) flown a kite.
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
(_) climbed a volcano
(_) used a fake id
(X) gone ice skating
(X) watched the sunset
(_) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake
(X) slept beneath the stars
(_) ridden on a camel
(_) climbed a mountain
(X) played "clue"
(X) had a sleepover
(X) been tickled
(_) seen a UFO
(X) told a lie
(_) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(X) been fishing
(_) snuck into a movie
(_) consulted a psychic
(X) petted a reindeer/goat
(X) won a contest
(X) been to a zoo
(_) seen your mom cry at a funeral
(_) run a red light
(_) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car accident
(X) had braces
(X) felt like an outcast
(_) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) had deja vu
(X) touched a starfish
(_) danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look
(X) jousted/sword fought/jedi lightsaber
(_) witnessed a crime
(_) been spit on by a llama
(_) pole danced Not for real, haha
(X) met anyone famous
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been to the circus
(_) been to jail
(X) laughed during a sad scene in a movie/tv show
(X) played with an etch a sketch
(_) eaten caviar
(_) been obsessed with post-it notes
(X) hated your computer
(X) owned a pet
(X) made a banana-split
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(_) had a midnight picnic
(_) been to the opposite side of the country
(_) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(_) laughed in the middle of church
(_) stepped on a nail so that it went into your foot Does glass count?
(_) made homemade ice cream
(X) actually enjoyed your classes
(X) used a magic 8 ball
(X) made a flower chain necklace or other type of jewelry
(X) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils
(_) seen a moose up close
(X) sung karaoke
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you would never do
(X) played air guitar
(X) tripped up the stairs
(_) had a crush on a family member (Ewww)
(X) made a mud pie
(X) made prank phone calls
(_) seen a broadway show on broadway
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) danced in the rain
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus
(_) been kissed under a mistletoe
(_) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
(_) made a bonfire on the beach
(_) crashed a party
(X) gone rollerskating
(_) cut down a christmas tree
(_) play p dittle
(X) had a wish come true
Seven things in my room:
1- My lamp
2- My Stereo
3- My bookshelf
4- Pictures of my friends
5- TV
6- Dresser
7- Me
Seven things to do before death:
1- Go to college
2- Get married
3- Have Kids
4- Get better
5- Be okay with myself
6- Be Happy
7- Do something crazy without caring about the consequences or feeling guilty afterwards, and enjoy it.
Top seven movies:
1- Girl, Interrupted
2- Center Stage
3- Moulin Rouge
4- Chicago
5- The Princess Diaries 1 & 2 (Shut up. What girl DOESN'T want to be a princess?)
6- The Notebook
7- The Nightmare Before Christmas
Top seven things you say most:
1- Chya.
2- Huh?
3- Mmhm
4- Yup
5- Don't!
6- I dunno.
7- Ouch.
Seven facts about you:
1- I'm a complete Hopeless Romantic. Mushy things make me melt.
2- I usually feel very lonely.
3- I had my appendix taken out.
4- I like writing in LJ because I can get my feelings out without getting a writer's cramp or having to say anything to anybody directly.
5- I hate confrontation.
6- I second guess myself too much.
7- It takes a lot to upset me, but once I'm upset I go nuts. It sucks.
Seven things that make you sad or mad:
1- My body
2- Being alone
3- Lies
4- Some memories
5- Sad movies
6- Grades.
7- People.
DO YOU:
Smoke?: No.
Read the newspaper?: Sometimes when I'm bored in study hall.
Pray?: Yes.
Gone skinny dipping? Nope.
Had a medical emergency?: Sort of.
Had surgery?: Yes.
Ran away from home?: No, but I thought about it a LOT.
Played strip poker?: No.
Beaten someone up?: No.
Been on stage?: Yes.
Slept outdoors?: Um...not really. I've slept in a van.
Pulled an all nighter?: Yes. Many times.
If yes, what is your record?: 2 nights
Ever made out with a stranger?: No.
Been on radio/tv?: Yeah
Been in a mosh-pit?: Yeah
First kiss?: I've had it, and you don't need to know the who/where/when.
Pepsi or coke?: Whichever as long as it's diet.
Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate.
Internet or phone?: Internet
ARE YOU:
Suicidal?: No
Stubborn?: As stubborn as the day is long.
Open-minded?: Most of the time.
Arrogant?: Hopefully not.
Patient?: Depends on the situation.
Hyper?: Sometimes.
Nice?: I try.
Happy?: Not so much anymore, but I try.
Shave your head for $1000?: No. Add a bunch of zeros and we'll talk.
Like candles?: Yeah
Believe in love at first sight?: Yes.
Believe in forgiveness?: Yes.
Want to get married?: Yeah
Want to have kids?: Yeah
Ever want to adopt kids?: I'd rather have my own.
ABOUT YOU:
[three words that sum you up]: Stubborn, Lonely, Bored
[jewelry worn daily]: My rings.
[wallet]: Pink with a black cat on it.
[coffee]: YES.
[shoes]: Very good things.
[cologne/perfume]: Who cares?
[clothing you have on]: Jeans and my sweatshirt from the play.
-IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...-
[cried]: Yes.
[bought something]: No.
[gotten sick]: Yes.
[sang]: No.
[eaten]: No.
[been kissed]: No.
[felt stupid]: YES.
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: Yes.
[seen someone you have a crush on]: No.
[had a serious talk]: Yes.
[missed someone]: Yes.
[hugged someone]: yes.
[argued with a parent(s)]: No.
-SOCIAL LIFE-
[best girl friends]: Sarah.
[best guy friends]: Jason...well, that is if he wants to still be friends with me.
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: Noooone right now.
[hobbies]: Blah.
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: Depends on who.
[like being around people]: Sometimes.
LAST PERSON WHO
. Slept in your bed: Me
. Saw you cry: I don't let people see me cry.
. Made you cry: Jason.
. You shared a drink with: Danny - My mocha frappuccino too! :(
. You went to the movies with: Jason.
. You went to the mall with: I Dunno.
. Yelled at you: Haven't been yelled at in a while.
HAVE YOU EVER...
. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: Yes.
. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Sort of. It wasn't that crazy.
. Wish you were the opposite sex: About once a month. :)
. Had an imaginary friend: Not that I remember.
. What book are you reading now: The Witching Hour - Anne Rice, The Truth About Forever - Sarah Dessen.
. What's under your bed: shoes.
. Favorite sport to watch: I dont' care.
. Siblings: My brother.
. College plans: I don't know. Whichever place will accept me and give me financial aid, I guess.
. Piercings/tattoos: Ears.
. Do you do drugs: No
. Do you drink: No
. Who is your best friend: Sarah.
. What clothes do you sleep in: Pj pants or boxers and a T-shirt
. Where do you want to get married: I don't know. Who says anybody will want to marry me?
. Who do you really hate: Me.
STUFF
. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: I guess so...
. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: Yeeeeah.
. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: No.
. Song thats stick in your head a lot: "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" - Oasis.
"Konstantine" - Something Corporate.
. Band(s): Blink 182, Jet, Fastball, Something Corporate, Oasis, Green Day, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Crossfade, Switchfoot, Relient K, Bowling for Soup, Sarah McLachlan, Aslyn, Guns n Roses, ACDC, Yellowcard, Nightwish, Maroon 5, Ash, Alkaline Trio, Keane, Howie Day, Ben Jelen, Tsumani Bomb, Dropkick Murphys, Mad Caddies, Thrice, Aerosmith, etc...
. Color: Pink