(catharsis)
you shouldn't like me.
seriously. this is by no means so "poor me, poor chelsea" rant. this is a "poor everyone in chelsea's life" rant. i am a fucking asshole. and i've always known it, but i think it really occured to me after doing those unsent letters. its like anyone i love, that is truely unique in my life i fucking hurt, and somehow have burnt bridges with for at least a short time. its truely fucked up. i am a waste of space, of time, and energy.
i dont know what my fucking problem is. im just so moody and apathetic at times. and what sets me off differes day to day and i can barely predict myself so i have no clue how other people can. and im just so emotionally retarded and i get fucking jealous so easy and i have selective morals. bad things are good and ok for me to do, but it doesnt go both ways. i am a hypocrite. i am everything i preach so self righteously against. i hate who i am.
i give jess mugno so much fucking credit, for taking my psychotic fucking shit. i treated her badly when we were in highschool. i took my stupid fucking anger out on her and im just so stupid i'd yell at her for things that were going on internally with me. and she always fucking forgave me. and it like, never happens now. and i think it's bc i realized that jess is the best friend ive ever had. no one quite knows me like her. and i dont ever want to lose that. but in putting all my coins in one pocket, that leaves all my other relationships volitile. its like for a while i felt, "as long as i have jess, i could give a fuck less what happens to other people." and thats so fucking untrue. i dont even know how to explain myself. seriously. i really dont know whats wrong with me.
i used to fight all the time with sue in highschool. it was never over anything fucking serious, but we wouldnt talk for fucking MONTHS on end. bc i was too pigheaded to ever say sorry or stop being a complete asshole. it doesnt happen anymore bc i hated fighting with her. i hated not talking to sue for 6 months, then doing some stupid act of peace then we'd act like sappy idiots, when we shouldnt have fought in the first place.
fuck dude, look at the esu crew. look at my poor fucking ashley. the fucking ringers i've put her thru. we have had huge fights 3 times. each time over some STUPID fucking thing that was completely my fucking fault for being the goddamn idiot i am. and i hate myself for it, genuinely. each time, it was me in the wrong, and i wouldnt admit it unless it was too late. the last time we had a fight it was bc i am stupid and jealous, andi felt like she replaced me with adrienne, so fucking turned into a drama queen after she called us after not seeing her for like a month, acted like a bitch and a fucking coward on lj. that was, the most stupid thing i could have ever done. i regretted it immediately. but i hid behind my fucking cause and pretended like she didnt care. but she fucking did. she really fucking did. and somehow after reading that post yesterday, she forgave me. i dont know why she did. but she did. and that just tells me a million fucking things about how amazing of a friend she is. and last night when we hung out and we were talking and i just cant believe i would even think i could justifiably take her out of my life and not care. i am so fucking dumb. i really am. and everyone but john is giving her shit for forgiving me again, and you know what? i dont fucking blame them. they are good fucking friends. they are merely avoiding her getting hurt, and for that i say that they are better friends than i could ever be. look at the shit with smitty. i got on my soap box and defended my fucking idiot of a self left and right. i should have just admitted what i did was fucked up and let it go. but GOD FUCKING FORBID i am ever wrong. god forbid it. and i lost on of the most amazing people i ever met. and i dont blame him one fucking bit for it. because hes right. the shit does outweight the good with me. im a drama queen, a gossipwhore, a fucking hypocrite and a skank. i hate myself for even letting last summer happen. i fucking wanted to die, honestly- this is not an exageration/pity trip, when ilost him as a friend. it fucking broke my heart. because i never thought i could ever ever fuck things up with him. and genius fucking chelsea did. way to go champ. in my mind i've tried to justify last summer one hundred and fifty ways, and i could think of a million excuses and not one was completely true. i was a complete hypocrite. i was an asshole for cheating on andy. especially going off on my one million rants about cheating. i cant justify whatsoever what i did. i tried to say it was because he wasnt around. thats not true. i tried to say it was bc of the way i felt for jd. and that was only a mild part of it. i'd like to say it was bc i got fucked up emotionally bc of kyle. maybe that is true to a certain degree, but who knows. what is comes down to is i am impulsive & selfish. i am too fucking young to be in the degree of relationships i am constantly in. i OBVIOUSLY do not need a boyfriend. and i always end up dating these great guys, and go fucking nuts on them after 3-4 months when monotony sets in and end up hurting them. no fucking wonder why andy called me clementine. im just as fucking crazy as her. and i've stopped the cycle. i started to see me doing that to chuck. i didnt want to do that to him. so i stopped. we are currently on a break until im ok with being a girlfriend again. and i think thats really great that hes letting me do that.
the point of this whole rant is the fact that i dont want to be like that anymore. im not throwing away anymore amazing relationships because it hurts. it really does. i have this glass window on my wall with all my pictures in it. when i fought with ashley, i refused to take her down & out of the picture. i just couldnt stand to do it, bc i knew i was wrong. smitty is still sitting in the upper right hand corner, in a picture of him on the couch with paul, chan & jd all cuddling eachother. and i wont take it down. because i dont want to forget him. if i never talk to him again it will be ok bc i know i was wrong. and im lucky to have even ever had him in my life. i fucked it up and i know that, but at least i was lucky enough to know him for a while. i hated losing him. im not fucking doing that anymore. im not going to be a fucking asshole anymore. ok let me rephrase that; I AM NOT GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO THE ONES I LOVE ANYMORE. ashley & jess requested for me to keep my assholishness, to other people& strangers. like last night when i was screaming VAG in the parking lot of wegmans. but thats the thing. i let my assholish nature seep into other aspects of my life and BY GOD! thats going to stop.
i'm going to be a better me starting now.
seriously. this is by no means so "poor me, poor chelsea" rant. this is a "poor everyone in chelsea's life" rant. i am a fucking asshole. and i've always known it, but i think it really occured to me after doing those unsent letters. its like anyone i love, that is truely unique in my life i fucking hurt, and somehow have burnt bridges with for at least a short time. its truely fucked up. i am a waste of space, of time, and energy.
i dont know what my fucking problem is. im just so moody and apathetic at times. and what sets me off differes day to day and i can barely predict myself so i have no clue how other people can. and im just so emotionally retarded and i get fucking jealous so easy and i have selective morals. bad things are good and ok for me to do, but it doesnt go both ways. i am a hypocrite. i am everything i preach so self righteously against. i hate who i am.
i give jess mugno so much fucking credit, for taking my psychotic fucking shit. i treated her badly when we were in highschool. i took my stupid fucking anger out on her and im just so stupid i'd yell at her for things that were going on internally with me. and she always fucking forgave me. and it like, never happens now. and i think it's bc i realized that jess is the best friend ive ever had. no one quite knows me like her. and i dont ever want to lose that. but in putting all my coins in one pocket, that leaves all my other relationships volitile. its like for a while i felt, "as long as i have jess, i could give a fuck less what happens to other people." and thats so fucking untrue. i dont even know how to explain myself. seriously. i really dont know whats wrong with me.
i used to fight all the time with sue in highschool. it was never over anything fucking serious, but we wouldnt talk for fucking MONTHS on end. bc i was too pigheaded to ever say sorry or stop being a complete asshole. it doesnt happen anymore bc i hated fighting with her. i hated not talking to sue for 6 months, then doing some stupid act of peace then we'd act like sappy idiots, when we shouldnt have fought in the first place.
fuck dude, look at the esu crew. look at my poor fucking ashley. the fucking ringers i've put her thru. we have had huge fights 3 times. each time over some STUPID fucking thing that was completely my fucking fault for being the goddamn idiot i am. and i hate myself for it, genuinely. each time, it was me in the wrong, and i wouldnt admit it unless it was too late. the last time we had a fight it was bc i am stupid and jealous, andi felt like she replaced me with adrienne, so fucking turned into a drama queen after she called us after not seeing her for like a month, acted like a bitch and a fucking coward on lj. that was, the most stupid thing i could have ever done. i regretted it immediately. but i hid behind my fucking cause and pretended like she didnt care. but she fucking did. she really fucking did. and somehow after reading that post yesterday, she forgave me. i dont know why she did. but she did. and that just tells me a million fucking things about how amazing of a friend she is. and last night when we hung out and we were talking and i just cant believe i would even think i could justifiably take her out of my life and not care. i am so fucking dumb. i really am. and everyone but john is giving her shit for forgiving me again, and you know what? i dont fucking blame them. they are good fucking friends. they are merely avoiding her getting hurt, and for that i say that they are better friends than i could ever be. look at the shit with smitty. i got on my soap box and defended my fucking idiot of a self left and right. i should have just admitted what i did was fucked up and let it go. but GOD FUCKING FORBID i am ever wrong. god forbid it. and i lost on of the most amazing people i ever met. and i dont blame him one fucking bit for it. because hes right. the shit does outweight the good with me. im a drama queen, a gossipwhore, a fucking hypocrite and a skank. i hate myself for even letting last summer happen. i fucking wanted to die, honestly- this is not an exageration/pity trip, when ilost him as a friend. it fucking broke my heart. because i never thought i could ever ever fuck things up with him. and genius fucking chelsea did. way to go champ. in my mind i've tried to justify last summer one hundred and fifty ways, and i could think of a million excuses and not one was completely true. i was a complete hypocrite. i was an asshole for cheating on andy. especially going off on my one million rants about cheating. i cant justify whatsoever what i did. i tried to say it was because he wasnt around. thats not true. i tried to say it was bc of the way i felt for jd. and that was only a mild part of it. i'd like to say it was bc i got fucked up emotionally bc of kyle. maybe that is true to a certain degree, but who knows. what is comes down to is i am impulsive & selfish. i am too fucking young to be in the degree of relationships i am constantly in. i OBVIOUSLY do not need a boyfriend. and i always end up dating these great guys, and go fucking nuts on them after 3-4 months when monotony sets in and end up hurting them. no fucking wonder why andy called me clementine. im just as fucking crazy as her. and i've stopped the cycle. i started to see me doing that to chuck. i didnt want to do that to him. so i stopped. we are currently on a break until im ok with being a girlfriend again. and i think thats really great that hes letting me do that.
the point of this whole rant is the fact that i dont want to be like that anymore. im not throwing away anymore amazing relationships because it hurts. it really does. i have this glass window on my wall with all my pictures in it. when i fought with ashley, i refused to take her down & out of the picture. i just couldnt stand to do it, bc i knew i was wrong. smitty is still sitting in the upper right hand corner, in a picture of him on the couch with paul, chan & jd all cuddling eachother. and i wont take it down. because i dont want to forget him. if i never talk to him again it will be ok bc i know i was wrong. and im lucky to have even ever had him in my life. i fucked it up and i know that, but at least i was lucky enough to know him for a while. i hated losing him. im not fucking doing that anymore. im not going to be a fucking asshole anymore. ok let me rephrase that; I AM NOT GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO THE ONES I LOVE ANYMORE. ashley & jess requested for me to keep my assholishness, to other people& strangers. like last night when i was screaming VAG in the parking lot of wegmans. but thats the thing. i let my assholish nature seep into other aspects of my life and BY GOD! thats going to stop.
i'm going to be a better me starting now.