(no subject)

[_atarapa_]

im hoping to feel better soon. i feel so mopey and shit.
last night i yelled at james.
i feel kinda bad;;
but i'm so annoyed with him lately
that i cant help but get overwelmed by the fact that
he does and says things that make me feel so bad about myself--
but at the same time when i see him he makes me feel so beautiful.
and its like... this big mess of retardedness
that seems to be all in the negative right now.
Mal says its just a guy thing.
..and it probably is; but i Thought james was different.
not some insensitive guy whose ashamed to be with me with other people around, whom i cant seem to please or make happy.
and i really dont want to break up coz i have nothing else going for me right now thats really good,
and i do love him.
and NO, im not going to be all
"Hes the love of my life
and i cant live without him!"
because that's gross, and a stupid thing to even think.
but... i dont know what to do.
and im sure he probably doesnt even really know why im mad,
nor whats going on--
because im always afraid to start a fight with him,
because thats how it would turn out,
so im sure he thinks theres nothing wrong with our relationship..
but i know, and i see.

gr.