(no subject)
It feels so weird for me to have so much free time. I think I established that the last time things were this way was...the summer after I graduated high school. It's the first time since then that I've had no school, no work, no volunteering...nothing. Most of the time it's so relaxing, but sometimes it makes me feel anxious and as if I need to create work for myself. My mom told me I could work for her, which will help me make use of my time and make some extra money....to finance my hole-in-my-wallet month-long trip to New Zealand.
I've always wanted to go there, for years and years and years, but it was always this far off idea that I never really thought would happen. Once I got to college I really wanted to study abroad, but me being my practical self didn't really see the sense in investing thousands of dollars to pay tuition for classes that essentially have no relevance for my future. Instead, I saved up my money for a hypothetical long trip...that again, I never really thought would actually happen.
I kind of found myself at a loss when I came home from New York a couple weeks ago...freshly free of my attached at the hip counterpart of 1.5 years, with nothing to do. I felt pretty crappy at first and really helpless, but then it occurred to me that there's no better time than now to just go full force with this idea I've always wanted to do but probably never would think to actually put into play. I'm pretty scared to go all the way across the world on my own. I've never been out of the country alone, and lately I've been having a lot of anxiety on planes. I don't really know how I'm going to do everything I want to do, but for now I'm not really stressing about it. I have a month to figure everything out, and I know I'm street smart and won't have a problem taking care of myself, I always have. It's making me pretty nervous but pretty excited at the same time. I'm proud for making myself go through with this, and I think it'll be a really enriching experience.
As for my newly single self, it still kind of stings but I know I'll be okay and that this is what's best for me in the long run. I've known all along that I'd be fine without him..and I am. I enjoy my days and mostly smile and I'm okay on my own..but I do miss him every day. I miss having him in my life but I know it's something I need to let go, even though my heart's having a pretty tough time with it right now, so that I can find something better. He made me incredibly happy until...he didn't. And one day I'll find something that always will and I won't reach a point where I have to question everything and I'll be able to trust again. At least I hope so. It freaks me out that I feel like people are getting engaged and married left and right, because I still feel like I'm 16 deep down and I'm nowhere near ready to be at that stage in my life. But then again sometimes I feel like I'm 90, so who knows. I guess for now I'm just going to enjoy all this free time I have, seeing as how I probably won't have it again for a long, long, long time.
I'm also trying to spend as much time as I can with my grandma. She's getting pretty forgetful and rather weak. All her checkups and test results are fine, but she's getting depressed and sleeps a lot. I'm scared for her..but I'm glad I'm home right now and get to be with her while I can. Whenever she feels sad or sick I give her a beer. Then I ask her how she feels and she says much better...that makes me laugh.
Maybe I'll eventually go through an entire 24 hours in south florida without rain. Probably not..so I guess I'll just settle for my trashy TV marathons and travel books.
I've always wanted to go there, for years and years and years, but it was always this far off idea that I never really thought would happen. Once I got to college I really wanted to study abroad, but me being my practical self didn't really see the sense in investing thousands of dollars to pay tuition for classes that essentially have no relevance for my future. Instead, I saved up my money for a hypothetical long trip...that again, I never really thought would actually happen.
I kind of found myself at a loss when I came home from New York a couple weeks ago...freshly free of my attached at the hip counterpart of 1.5 years, with nothing to do. I felt pretty crappy at first and really helpless, but then it occurred to me that there's no better time than now to just go full force with this idea I've always wanted to do but probably never would think to actually put into play. I'm pretty scared to go all the way across the world on my own. I've never been out of the country alone, and lately I've been having a lot of anxiety on planes. I don't really know how I'm going to do everything I want to do, but for now I'm not really stressing about it. I have a month to figure everything out, and I know I'm street smart and won't have a problem taking care of myself, I always have. It's making me pretty nervous but pretty excited at the same time. I'm proud for making myself go through with this, and I think it'll be a really enriching experience.
As for my newly single self, it still kind of stings but I know I'll be okay and that this is what's best for me in the long run. I've known all along that I'd be fine without him..and I am. I enjoy my days and mostly smile and I'm okay on my own..but I do miss him every day. I miss having him in my life but I know it's something I need to let go, even though my heart's having a pretty tough time with it right now, so that I can find something better. He made me incredibly happy until...he didn't. And one day I'll find something that always will and I won't reach a point where I have to question everything and I'll be able to trust again. At least I hope so. It freaks me out that I feel like people are getting engaged and married left and right, because I still feel like I'm 16 deep down and I'm nowhere near ready to be at that stage in my life. But then again sometimes I feel like I'm 90, so who knows. I guess for now I'm just going to enjoy all this free time I have, seeing as how I probably won't have it again for a long, long, long time.
I'm also trying to spend as much time as I can with my grandma. She's getting pretty forgetful and rather weak. All her checkups and test results are fine, but she's getting depressed and sleeps a lot. I'm scared for her..but I'm glad I'm home right now and get to be with her while I can. Whenever she feels sad or sick I give her a beer. Then I ask her how she feels and she says much better...that makes me laugh.
Maybe I'll eventually go through an entire 24 hours in south florida without rain. Probably not..so I guess I'll just settle for my trashy TV marathons and travel books.