Raccoons are crazy.

[_astheruinsfall]

Last night it was insane. Too insane that I didnt have time to write in this thing. First off it doesnt involve alcohol and i know that fact makes this story sound stupid already. Anyway, we have had a problem with raccoons in our attic for a few weeks and initially we took the matter to our own hands. The first raccoon we found we put it down but we had good reasons to.The other two we took them to rehabilitation centers.Now last night my roommates take off to Oklahoma for a family emergency leaving me alone with the house. Should be easy and fun right? WRONG! I am doing the usual, you know, macking on bitches and suddenly i hear above me in the attic our giant rodent trap go off. I am thinking "fuck, we caught the mom. I know she is mad because she has watched us take her babies one by one. She is going to fucking kill me." Usually Geoff and I are together when we do these things but he left to Oklahoma so I was on my own. I go up with a miner's light and a regular flashlight. I shine the light towards the location of the trap which is on the opposite side of the entrance and I see the mom in the trap. I head to retrieve the raccoon and boy was it mad. As soon as I got close it started trying to go at me. It managed to scratch my shoe. I think my toe would have been ripped off if it wasnt for the thickness of my shoe. Anyway i grab the cage and have to head back to the entrance with a raccoon who wants me dead and I also have to go through an obstacle course of boards, pipes, and tubes. It was a definite challenge but i managed to get it towards the doorway. When i got there I realized that there was no way i could bring the cage down myself. I would be too close to it and the raccoon would attack me. After I call my roommates I come up with a plan to lower it down using a rope. Sounds like a solid plan but I really didnt think it through. I end lowering it down and halfway through she puts her entire weight on the latch and she manages to squeeze through the latch and escpae into the garage. At this point I am fucking scared. I am up here and she is down there and I know she was full of hate. I get down from the attic semi-armed to the teeth to battle this raccoon. I search around the garage and find nothing. Then i look at the door that leads inside and it was open. I freak out but i remembered i close the second door that leads into the hallway so I think its trapped in the laundry room. I charge full force in the laundry room ready to kill it with a knife and find nothing but the other door slightly opened. That bitch managed to open the door and head inside. I hear noises inside the house and i find our cat and throw him in a room to keep him safe. I follow the noises only to find that it is cooped up in my room on top of my mini-blinds. Fuck, I am screwed. I call Melissa for help and she suggests animal control but they are closed. So i decide to call the cops and seek help. Two cops show up 20 minutes later with gloves on. I show them to my room and they say "That is a huge mother fucker," and decide to call for back up. Their Sergeant and another cop show up with a pole with a loop on it to wrap it around the raccoons neck. They go to my room and decide "Fuck that shit. i am calling some other asshole to do this." They call and wake up this lady in Austin to come get this raccoon. By the time she gets here 2 hours had passed and all that time with the cops was awesome. All they did was talk shit, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee, and gossip about my neighbors. I learned a lot interesting things about my neighbors. The lady gets here and is armed to get this god forsaken raccoon out of my room. I got 4 cops and an animal control agent in my room about to tackle a raccoon who wants vengeance for what we did to her babies. After a brief but hard fought battle they finally get the raccoon, but not before she left her mark. Bitch raccoon pisses on my mini blinds and my bed. That son of a bitch. It went fighting until the very end. After that was the photo op. All the cops took out their phones and started taking pictures of it and everything. I think one of them recorded a video as well. The Sergeant came up to me and ask "Sir, I want to talk to your land owner," I replied "About this raccoon problem, he says "No. I want to ask where they got those mini-blinds. That raccoon was on it for the longest time and climbing up and down it, grabbing on to it, and fought on it and they never once showed any signs of falling off. My wife would love those in our house." These cops just made jokes all the time and it was great. This whole thing ended around 4 o'clock in the morning and I couldn't go to sleep yet. I had to stay up a few more hours disinfecting my room and washing all my blankets, pillows, and sheets. I ended up going to sleep at 7 in the morning. I will not forget this night ever. It was just stupid. A fucking raccoon terrorized my night. Most kids are out drinking, partying, doing, drugs or having unprotected sex but not Alex. He is too busy battling raccoons in his room. Stupid fucking night but it was great to an extent. Those cops were nice and were not assholes at all. I appreciated that. Not sure why it took 4 cops to tame a raccoon but whatever. I sure hope this raccoon problem is over. I can't deal with another night like this anymore.

With that being said I am going to sleep. It is too late to be up. Buh-Bye!