hi there
okay this time i'm not going to go on a long list of what or who i have (not) been doing, and i don't have any drafts to post for you to (not) comment on. i just want to talk about me and how happy i am.
lately my life has been back to back with stuff. okay so that's not any different than usual, but it's some pretty exciting stuff. if you ask me what i've been doing lately i'll give you the generic "work drink eat sleep drink school work drink" answer but it's probably a little far from the truth. i told myself at the beginning of the semester that i would take this semester to study more on my writing rather than my art (as an excuse to drop a graphic design class) but i've followed through fairly well on that. it helped that my friend joe and i set up some goals for ourselves at the beginning of the semester, and for the most part i feel i have tried to push myself beyond those goals and really put myself out there. i can't help but to be honest about how i feel; joe has been more lax and lazy in these goals. but i don't hold it against him. i support him and encourage his growth as a writer, but if he doesn't grow as much, it's not going to hold me back. i also realized that i have been writing since i was in 3rd grade, as stupid as it sounds, and this is more of a life thing for me. i'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life until i die, whether or not that is a curse or a blessing. call me stupid or crazy, i am so over it. hey, i'm jessica, i'm an artist and a poet and i'm going to have a successful and stable life.
please call me out on it if i am being immodest. i think there's a huge difference between being immodest and being honest and i'd rather stay on the modest side. do i think i'm good at what i do? of course. but i'm still very humbled and even get embarrassed at things, like when i read a few poems for open mic at the reading this evening and people told me they liked them. if you're looking for a point in all this i don't have one. if this were an essay i'd get an F, so any english teachers/students please stop reading.
so yeah. these hippy poetry readings. i enjoy them. immensely. and i realized that in order to preserve my sanity i need to clear up my schedule a bit to go to a few of these things. it's not fair to myself to just study art in poetry in school. that's how you end up hating what you love. you actually have to get out there and do it, and it's making me fall in love with the stuff all over again. so i am trying to get sundays free. i forgot what weekends were like; i forgot people go out and do stuff and relax even when it's still daylight outside. it's not that i don't normally socialize, i just got stuck in a rut of going to work and then going out late when i finally got out of work and it works sometimes but not all the times. this weekend thing has worked out pretty well. i've met a lot of awesome new people and i've also gotten to re-know some of my good friends. i've found new interests, done and seen a lot of cool things, eaten a lot of good food, heard some amazing poetry, made a lot of business contacts and just all around thoroughly enjoyed myself. it just sucks when i have to go back to work.
i guess the only downside to having all this fun is that work and school are way more boring. only in their traditional forms though. i love work when i am being challenged and learning new things and taking on more responsibility. otherwise the same old thing is boring. i also know that by next semester i will not be working at the salon regularly because by that time i will be devoting way more time to my future plans, whether that be getting through the semester, preparing for grad school, or preparing for the rest of my life and whatever it is i may be doing. as far as school, i hate being in traditional classes and i don't know how i ever took all those classes. i only have 4 more classes to take in order to finish school completely. that thought is both relieving and also scary. not scary like "omg i'm going to graduate and i don't know what i'm going to do with my life and i have to go into the real world." no, i have never had a thought like that. i am just worried about how tedious it is going to be because i have 4 specific classes and there is no wiggle room and no time to fuck up and i hate spending time doing stuff i don't enjoy so i have to keep my head in the game and find a way to make it worthwhile. i love doing stuff outside the classroom, like all the time i've spent tutoring at the learning bank and umbc writing center and teaching this semester at the elementary school. sometimes it surprises me how much i really enjoy working with people. when i was little i was so quiet and lonely and sensitive. if you looked at me i would literally cry, probably because i spent so much time isolated within my own head and had no clue what was going on. it's not a happy way to live so...i found a different way. i know, i don't talk a lot because i don't like to waste anyone's time so this is my outlet every five years.
my home life leaves something to be desired, in other peoples' eyes. in actually, i am completely fine with it. i have come to terms with everything i have seen and dealt with and i try to learn every day the difference between what i can and can't control. i have not spent more than 15 minutes total at my house over the past 2 1/2 weeks because it really isn't my home anymore. it just doesn't fit into the equation and it doesn't make sense to try and make it fit. at times i thought i could rescue my family and make them all better and absolve all their wrong turns and debt but there's no way. my father is not ready to overcome his drug addiction yet. the hardest part is waiting and not knowing. most people need to hit rock bottom with their problems, whatever it may be, before they decide to find a way to change. and you don't know what rock bottom is until you see. i have seen my father blackout drunk and seizuring in the street, i see him coming and going from the house at all hours of the night to buy drugs, i have seen him spend countless hours in the shed smoking crack. i have driven 2 1/2 hours to the eastern shore to pick him up from jail, and i have gotten into physical arguments with him over his problems. i know that the majority of you have not had to experience any of this, nor do i ever wish you have to. and yet none of those moments have been his rock bottom. i am unsure if his rock bottom will be his turning point or if it will be his death, but all you can do is wait, and in the meantime work on making yourself stronger. i am completely okay, nonetheless.
but anyway i guess it was about 2 1/2 weeks ago where another switch went off in my head. i couldn't do it anymore and this time i recognized the feeling, because it was a feeling i had had a year before when i broke up with my boyfriend. i know it sounds strange, did i break up with my father? maybe, i don't know, but i just know there was a complete change. it happens very quietly and there's nothing you can do to stop it or reverse it. although it was different than before because i have always had a lot of love for my ex-boyfriend and would do anything for him regardless. i don't mean to lump the two together.
anyway, so that is where i'm at in my head. i feel stable and happy and in control. i'm excited for the upcoming months for various reasons, some of which i didn't even begin to talk about yet. time for bed. goodnight!
lately my life has been back to back with stuff. okay so that's not any different than usual, but it's some pretty exciting stuff. if you ask me what i've been doing lately i'll give you the generic "work drink eat sleep drink school work drink" answer but it's probably a little far from the truth. i told myself at the beginning of the semester that i would take this semester to study more on my writing rather than my art (as an excuse to drop a graphic design class) but i've followed through fairly well on that. it helped that my friend joe and i set up some goals for ourselves at the beginning of the semester, and for the most part i feel i have tried to push myself beyond those goals and really put myself out there. i can't help but to be honest about how i feel; joe has been more lax and lazy in these goals. but i don't hold it against him. i support him and encourage his growth as a writer, but if he doesn't grow as much, it's not going to hold me back. i also realized that i have been writing since i was in 3rd grade, as stupid as it sounds, and this is more of a life thing for me. i'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life until i die, whether or not that is a curse or a blessing. call me stupid or crazy, i am so over it. hey, i'm jessica, i'm an artist and a poet and i'm going to have a successful and stable life.
please call me out on it if i am being immodest. i think there's a huge difference between being immodest and being honest and i'd rather stay on the modest side. do i think i'm good at what i do? of course. but i'm still very humbled and even get embarrassed at things, like when i read a few poems for open mic at the reading this evening and people told me they liked them. if you're looking for a point in all this i don't have one. if this were an essay i'd get an F, so any english teachers/students please stop reading.
so yeah. these hippy poetry readings. i enjoy them. immensely. and i realized that in order to preserve my sanity i need to clear up my schedule a bit to go to a few of these things. it's not fair to myself to just study art in poetry in school. that's how you end up hating what you love. you actually have to get out there and do it, and it's making me fall in love with the stuff all over again. so i am trying to get sundays free. i forgot what weekends were like; i forgot people go out and do stuff and relax even when it's still daylight outside. it's not that i don't normally socialize, i just got stuck in a rut of going to work and then going out late when i finally got out of work and it works sometimes but not all the times. this weekend thing has worked out pretty well. i've met a lot of awesome new people and i've also gotten to re-know some of my good friends. i've found new interests, done and seen a lot of cool things, eaten a lot of good food, heard some amazing poetry, made a lot of business contacts and just all around thoroughly enjoyed myself. it just sucks when i have to go back to work.
i guess the only downside to having all this fun is that work and school are way more boring. only in their traditional forms though. i love work when i am being challenged and learning new things and taking on more responsibility. otherwise the same old thing is boring. i also know that by next semester i will not be working at the salon regularly because by that time i will be devoting way more time to my future plans, whether that be getting through the semester, preparing for grad school, or preparing for the rest of my life and whatever it is i may be doing. as far as school, i hate being in traditional classes and i don't know how i ever took all those classes. i only have 4 more classes to take in order to finish school completely. that thought is both relieving and also scary. not scary like "omg i'm going to graduate and i don't know what i'm going to do with my life and i have to go into the real world." no, i have never had a thought like that. i am just worried about how tedious it is going to be because i have 4 specific classes and there is no wiggle room and no time to fuck up and i hate spending time doing stuff i don't enjoy so i have to keep my head in the game and find a way to make it worthwhile. i love doing stuff outside the classroom, like all the time i've spent tutoring at the learning bank and umbc writing center and teaching this semester at the elementary school. sometimes it surprises me how much i really enjoy working with people. when i was little i was so quiet and lonely and sensitive. if you looked at me i would literally cry, probably because i spent so much time isolated within my own head and had no clue what was going on. it's not a happy way to live so...i found a different way. i know, i don't talk a lot because i don't like to waste anyone's time so this is my outlet every five years.
my home life leaves something to be desired, in other peoples' eyes. in actually, i am completely fine with it. i have come to terms with everything i have seen and dealt with and i try to learn every day the difference between what i can and can't control. i have not spent more than 15 minutes total at my house over the past 2 1/2 weeks because it really isn't my home anymore. it just doesn't fit into the equation and it doesn't make sense to try and make it fit. at times i thought i could rescue my family and make them all better and absolve all their wrong turns and debt but there's no way. my father is not ready to overcome his drug addiction yet. the hardest part is waiting and not knowing. most people need to hit rock bottom with their problems, whatever it may be, before they decide to find a way to change. and you don't know what rock bottom is until you see. i have seen my father blackout drunk and seizuring in the street, i see him coming and going from the house at all hours of the night to buy drugs, i have seen him spend countless hours in the shed smoking crack. i have driven 2 1/2 hours to the eastern shore to pick him up from jail, and i have gotten into physical arguments with him over his problems. i know that the majority of you have not had to experience any of this, nor do i ever wish you have to. and yet none of those moments have been his rock bottom. i am unsure if his rock bottom will be his turning point or if it will be his death, but all you can do is wait, and in the meantime work on making yourself stronger. i am completely okay, nonetheless.
but anyway i guess it was about 2 1/2 weeks ago where another switch went off in my head. i couldn't do it anymore and this time i recognized the feeling, because it was a feeling i had had a year before when i broke up with my boyfriend. i know it sounds strange, did i break up with my father? maybe, i don't know, but i just know there was a complete change. it happens very quietly and there's nothing you can do to stop it or reverse it. although it was different than before because i have always had a lot of love for my ex-boyfriend and would do anything for him regardless. i don't mean to lump the two together.
anyway, so that is where i'm at in my head. i feel stable and happy and in control. i'm excited for the upcoming months for various reasons, some of which i didn't even begin to talk about yet. time for bed. goodnight!