Boredomnessality...
Well, the past few days have been fairly good, and fairly bad, all in all (i'm always so middle-of-the-road about things, damnit)
Still not impressed with our current situation, and i probably never will be, but there is nothing i can do to fix it as of this moment (especially not at 3:20am anyway). I just wish that i could go back about a year, and then maybe i wouldn't know some of the things i do now, and i'd still be regularly happy, as opposed to this "happy for 2 minutes, pissed off for half an hour" crap i seem to be stuck in at the moment.
Also, i seem to have noticed that due to our present situation, i seem to be sleeping less (or depriving myself of sleep more, whichever you want) and just sitting on the PC/X-Box/PS2/TV and doing nothing all night. And i can't stop thinking about Esther constantly, even though i never stopped thinking about her when we were living together, now its like 10 times the volume of thoughts. And once again, not all of these thoughts are good, which annoys me even more to some extent, knowing that i can't bring myself to trust her fully, knowing what i already do, but at the same time still TRYING to trust her as best as i can, which at times just seems to make it worse.
She is with me (and when i say with me, i mean asleep on one of the couches) here at Johns tonight, but we didn't do anything any differently than what we usually do, and thats something else that bothers me these days - the lack of "togetherness", if you will. We might always be in the same place as each other, but we (to roughly quote something Colin said to us when we saw him in town last) "Don't look at all like a couple" - which unfortunately i quietly agreed with at the time, because we don't anymore - i'm not saying i don't still love Esther, or don't want to be with her anymore, but i don't feel i could say the same for her, at the moment.
I'd better stop myself before i go on for the next few hours, but would you believe i am actually completely sober? I think thats the worst of it, before, i used to have to be blind drunk to show the slightest bit of (usually bad) emotion, but these days, i'm just turning into a depressive little shit. :S
Still not impressed with our current situation, and i probably never will be, but there is nothing i can do to fix it as of this moment (especially not at 3:20am anyway). I just wish that i could go back about a year, and then maybe i wouldn't know some of the things i do now, and i'd still be regularly happy, as opposed to this "happy for 2 minutes, pissed off for half an hour" crap i seem to be stuck in at the moment.
Also, i seem to have noticed that due to our present situation, i seem to be sleeping less (or depriving myself of sleep more, whichever you want) and just sitting on the PC/X-Box/PS2/TV and doing nothing all night. And i can't stop thinking about Esther constantly, even though i never stopped thinking about her when we were living together, now its like 10 times the volume of thoughts. And once again, not all of these thoughts are good, which annoys me even more to some extent, knowing that i can't bring myself to trust her fully, knowing what i already do, but at the same time still TRYING to trust her as best as i can, which at times just seems to make it worse.
She is with me (and when i say with me, i mean asleep on one of the couches) here at Johns tonight, but we didn't do anything any differently than what we usually do, and thats something else that bothers me these days - the lack of "togetherness", if you will. We might always be in the same place as each other, but we (to roughly quote something Colin said to us when we saw him in town last) "Don't look at all like a couple" - which unfortunately i quietly agreed with at the time, because we don't anymore - i'm not saying i don't still love Esther, or don't want to be with her anymore, but i don't feel i could say the same for her, at the moment.
I'd better stop myself before i go on for the next few hours, but would you believe i am actually completely sober? I think thats the worst of it, before, i used to have to be blind drunk to show the slightest bit of (usually bad) emotion, but these days, i'm just turning into a depressive little shit. :S