(no subject)
in truth, i am a being both of habit and of change. i have randomly noticed this over the past week, and really writing can be quite cathartic; i don't know why i don't do it more often. well that's not technically true, but let's continue anyways.
i was contemplating my friendships and i realise that i do not really place that much value on relationships other than In The Moment when i feel the strongest connection to a person, whether it is due to a string of good conversations or some transcendental feeling. the longest friendship i've had that has had serious conversations is with don, and after that perhaps juliet-- everyone else has drifted away somehow, whether it's due to the transient nature of schooling or my lack of effort in those relationships. i don't seriously talk to anyone, really, that i've met pre-philly. i have had this sort of "friendship shift" before, and it is almost as though i remove people from my life because it is too much of a hassle to maintain all those relationships. does this make me a monster? yes.
at the same time, i like to engage in repeated patterns of more mundane things, whether it is schooling, working, gaming, etc-- anything that is easily accomplished by oneself is my cup of tea. this is why i have such an affinity for computing and why i find myself so often at home on weeknights, arguing with myself about why i shouldn't go to show x or talk to person y. it's that much easier to just play a game or sleep because nobody else interferes with what i'm doing.
i enjoy running from things because it is easy and it suits me. my specialties are cutting ties and disappearing with few traces-- forgive me if i sound too emo, i'm well aware how bad this gets. especially at whatever ridiculous time in the morning it is. my patterns, however, continue to engage me, and i continue to self-destruct to a degree while i can. it's less exaggerated this time but all the signs are present. i will survive but i don't expect it to be easy, and i also plan on using that as a subconscious excuse to not do a lot of interaction. it's a shame i realize these things now. this means that i have on some level of consciousness been avoiding people, and for that i apologize.
anyways.
so let me type while i'm semi-lucid and post messages to the people that may or may not be reading this.
heather-- i do want to hang out with you. you already know most of this anyways, but really, i value our friendship. it's just not easy for me now as i've provided myself with plenty of ammunition to feel guilty and/or wary of how other people will judge me. i'm amazed at your reactions and i think lunch here would be the best way to start things off again.
vicky and shannon-- i'm going to hang out with you people, dammit. shannon, i don't think you're reading this, but we're going to hang out again and there's nothing you can do about it. vicky, that goes double for you because i haven't seen you yet this year. expect a call from me soon.
don-- remember that one time sophomore year or so when you asked me if i was being cold or callous towards people or if it was you because you'd felt something different? you were dead on and it kinda scared me. but still. like i said, you've been the person i've talked to seriously for the longest time now, and i don't think i'll ever be able to match or even completely grasp your insights fully.
juliet-- you haven't been forgotten, and really you know a lot about me too. believe me when i say i do wish to talk to you further, and if i can find the timeuse the time i have better i will call you. like i said, you intrigue me every time you say or write something. i'd like to actually know what goes on in your head.
ashman-- i'm worried about you. i know you don't want to hear it, so that's all i'll say.
jess-- you already know you rock, but really, i'll call you sometime. like i said, it's not you, it's just my subconscious desire to isolate. and you're fun to talk to.
seanjin-- seriously, we'll hang out more. you'll probably call me an emo fuck too.
simay and kathy-- you are both great friends to heather and extraordinarily interesting people. if you don't want to cut out my throat if/when i meet you, i'd love to hang out some time.
christa-- i don't know you well enough, really. i know you still read this to some degree, and i find you to be a very intriguing person and a good writer, if nothing else. maybe at some future intersection of time and space we will hang out and it won't be weird.
controversy? maybe...
rickina-- i know you probably still read this too. i don't mind, really, because i don't write a lot. i didn't act very maturely in our relationship and i apologize for that. as you can probably tell, i don't really feel like i was or even am ready for any sort of relationship thing, and i didn't really act so well during ours. i don't feel the blame is all on my side of the field, and i feel we both acted immaturely after it ended, but really, if i wasn't so overreactive about the whole thing, who knows what would've happened. you were a much better judge of character than i thought you were.
i think i tended to embrace love as a catharsis for various gaps in my life, or not so much gaps but lack of understanding about what i really wanted/needed/had. love was just something i could grab on to in that transient moment, something that emphasized the relationship while i was into it and stressed me out when i felt like moving on. it was that much more of a rush, that much more of a drug to me, and now i'm back to my good old fix of introversion. i plan on fixing that, because for once i actually know what's going on with myself. i feel like the possibility of a new, different existence is open to me.
i was contemplating my friendships and i realise that i do not really place that much value on relationships other than In The Moment when i feel the strongest connection to a person, whether it is due to a string of good conversations or some transcendental feeling. the longest friendship i've had that has had serious conversations is with don, and after that perhaps juliet-- everyone else has drifted away somehow, whether it's due to the transient nature of schooling or my lack of effort in those relationships. i don't seriously talk to anyone, really, that i've met pre-philly. i have had this sort of "friendship shift" before, and it is almost as though i remove people from my life because it is too much of a hassle to maintain all those relationships. does this make me a monster? yes.
at the same time, i like to engage in repeated patterns of more mundane things, whether it is schooling, working, gaming, etc-- anything that is easily accomplished by oneself is my cup of tea. this is why i have such an affinity for computing and why i find myself so often at home on weeknights, arguing with myself about why i shouldn't go to show x or talk to person y. it's that much easier to just play a game or sleep because nobody else interferes with what i'm doing.
i enjoy running from things because it is easy and it suits me. my specialties are cutting ties and disappearing with few traces-- forgive me if i sound too emo, i'm well aware how bad this gets. especially at whatever ridiculous time in the morning it is. my patterns, however, continue to engage me, and i continue to self-destruct to a degree while i can. it's less exaggerated this time but all the signs are present. i will survive but i don't expect it to be easy, and i also plan on using that as a subconscious excuse to not do a lot of interaction. it's a shame i realize these things now. this means that i have on some level of consciousness been avoiding people, and for that i apologize.
anyways.
so let me type while i'm semi-lucid and post messages to the people that may or may not be reading this.
heather-- i do want to hang out with you. you already know most of this anyways, but really, i value our friendship. it's just not easy for me now as i've provided myself with plenty of ammunition to feel guilty and/or wary of how other people will judge me. i'm amazed at your reactions and i think lunch here would be the best way to start things off again.
vicky and shannon-- i'm going to hang out with you people, dammit. shannon, i don't think you're reading this, but we're going to hang out again and there's nothing you can do about it. vicky, that goes double for you because i haven't seen you yet this year. expect a call from me soon.
don-- remember that one time sophomore year or so when you asked me if i was being cold or callous towards people or if it was you because you'd felt something different? you were dead on and it kinda scared me. but still. like i said, you've been the person i've talked to seriously for the longest time now, and i don't think i'll ever be able to match or even completely grasp your insights fully.
juliet-- you haven't been forgotten, and really you know a lot about me too. believe me when i say i do wish to talk to you further, and if i can find the timeuse the time i have better i will call you. like i said, you intrigue me every time you say or write something. i'd like to actually know what goes on in your head.
ashman-- i'm worried about you. i know you don't want to hear it, so that's all i'll say.
jess-- you already know you rock, but really, i'll call you sometime. like i said, it's not you, it's just my subconscious desire to isolate. and you're fun to talk to.
seanjin-- seriously, we'll hang out more. you'll probably call me an emo fuck too.
simay and kathy-- you are both great friends to heather and extraordinarily interesting people. if you don't want to cut out my throat if/when i meet you, i'd love to hang out some time.
christa-- i don't know you well enough, really. i know you still read this to some degree, and i find you to be a very intriguing person and a good writer, if nothing else. maybe at some future intersection of time and space we will hang out and it won't be weird.
controversy? maybe...
rickina-- i know you probably still read this too. i don't mind, really, because i don't write a lot. i didn't act very maturely in our relationship and i apologize for that. as you can probably tell, i don't really feel like i was or even am ready for any sort of relationship thing, and i didn't really act so well during ours. i don't feel the blame is all on my side of the field, and i feel we both acted immaturely after it ended, but really, if i wasn't so overreactive about the whole thing, who knows what would've happened. you were a much better judge of character than i thought you were.
i think i tended to embrace love as a catharsis for various gaps in my life, or not so much gaps but lack of understanding about what i really wanted/needed/had. love was just something i could grab on to in that transient moment, something that emphasized the relationship while i was into it and stressed me out when i felt like moving on. it was that much more of a rush, that much more of a drug to me, and now i'm back to my good old fix of introversion. i plan on fixing that, because for once i actually know what's going on with myself. i feel like the possibility of a new, different existence is open to me.