(no subject)
You know what the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't eat the whole day until the late evenings. Once I'm home, I know I'm doomed because I start binging like a mad cow. It's like I lose every ounce of control in my body and I have no idea why. My body keeps shouting at me "Food! food! food!" when I'm not even hungry. And so I binge, and the whole day is a complete waste. Of course, my definition of hunger would be stabbing stomach pains until I curl up in bed to fall asleep.
Sometimes, I don't know what's the point of this anymore. I hate myself so much. I feel so successful whenever I restrict/fast succesfully but then, it always leads to binging in the evenings or the next day. I'm not even physically hungry but then I need to feel the taste of food: the chewing motion, the constant grabbing of food etc. Oh god. That sounded so fucking gross. I feel so disgusted with myself.
I have to stop eating during the evenings, I know that but first off, there's dinner which is considered "family time" then there's the tv where all the junk is just a room away. I hate this. I hate everything. Sometimes, I just want to be normal but then I know I can never be normal. I eat "right" for one day, then feel so guilty and starve the following day(s). It's a never-fucking-ending cycle and I hate it. When can all this end?
I don't eat the whole day until the late evenings. Once I'm home, I know I'm doomed because I start binging like a mad cow. It's like I lose every ounce of control in my body and I have no idea why. My body keeps shouting at me "Food! food! food!" when I'm not even hungry. And so I binge, and the whole day is a complete waste. Of course, my definition of hunger would be stabbing stomach pains until I curl up in bed to fall asleep.
Sometimes, I don't know what's the point of this anymore. I hate myself so much. I feel so successful whenever I restrict/fast succesfully but then, it always leads to binging in the evenings or the next day. I'm not even physically hungry but then I need to feel the taste of food: the chewing motion, the constant grabbing of food etc. Oh god. That sounded so fucking gross. I feel so disgusted with myself.
I have to stop eating during the evenings, I know that but first off, there's dinner which is considered "family time" then there's the tv where all the junk is just a room away. I hate this. I hate everything. Sometimes, I just want to be normal but then I know I can never be normal. I eat "right" for one day, then feel so guilty and starve the following day(s). It's a never-fucking-ending cycle and I hate it. When can all this end?