Look what I dug up...
Dear Silvia,
It will probably be difficult to see each other over the next few busy weeks, however I just wanted to thank you for letting Ivan tell me first. I appreciated that very much.
This will take some time to register with me, although sincerely, I am so happy for the both of you. Perhaps this is something Ivan has sought after for a while. And I am so happy if he is happy.
I also wanted to affirm how much I value our friendship and, although the circumstances are very new for me to comprehend, I hope that this will in no way infringe upon our extraordinary pasta cooking endeavours :) You are an admirable, wonderful person and I hope to continue our acquaintance.
I might keep my distance for a while to let things sink in. I would like to be honest; I do still have memories and feelings for him, thus disconnecting for some months from Ivan will hopefully help me to forget certain things.
Thank you for your understanding!
Con molto affetto,
... I look back and can't believe what I wrote.
Do you think any of them cared enough about what I felt? Perhaps it was their own schadenfruede to see me surrender. Maybe they cringed at the sight of it.
But when you are crazy..... like as crazy as I was for him... this all makes sense.
It doesn't anymore, thank God it doesn't. What resonates is the residue of obsession and despair. And the un-caring nonchalance of other people.
I was stupid. And perhaps, I never meant anything to him. Did I or any of that which passed ever mean anything to him?
Sometimes I dream about him and when I wake, I wonder if he ever dreams about me. One lazy afternoon he comes across lingering memories of me and for one brief moment he will remember my scent. Or perhaps he'll pass by those stairs and that water fountain and remember where we sat and how we kissed.
God knows. Perhaps God doesn't care and he shouldn't about that past.
All of that is gone now.
And I am much happier in my present.