(no subject)
i'm laying in bed and burning a candle and enjoying going to bed alone after a pretty forgettable second date with aforementioned first date guy. why can't anyone keep it together? is what i asked myself all night long. i can drink with the best of them but i can also handle myself on a date which apparently is asking a lot. i think what my life needs is some more alone time. i realize that alone time is something i am not good at anymore. when i was a kid, i loved my alone time. i preferred it. but for the past few years i have felt this need, every single time i'm alone, to fill it with something that usually feels totally empty and meaningless, the mindless chatter of another human being with whom i feel no real connection. i hate that. i try to figure out which of my issues are with people and which are with alcohol and where the two come together. i think most of them are people-related. it's not about a lack of quality men out there, it's quality girls, too. friends are just hard to find, which is sad.
i think i bitch about the same things over and over again but these are pretty strong reocurring themes in my life presently.
i want to do good things, but i feel those needs take a back burner to my need to find good people and feel secure in myself and my friendships. i've gotten way depressed again in the last few months and it's not a depression like the really dark one i knew a few years ago, it's just this haze. like. this is shitty and this just might be it, for you, for a while. you know every once in a while you get this feeling? like you are driving down the highway listening to music and the right song comes on at the right time and the sun is shining just right and it could be the stupidest song but you feel so alive? and well? or, you are at the beach and realize how gorgeous the sky looks and you are so happy to be witnessing it? i haven't had a single one of those moments. in a long, time. the blah-ness is wearing on me, heavy.
i think i bitch about the same things over and over again but these are pretty strong reocurring themes in my life presently.
i want to do good things, but i feel those needs take a back burner to my need to find good people and feel secure in myself and my friendships. i've gotten way depressed again in the last few months and it's not a depression like the really dark one i knew a few years ago, it's just this haze. like. this is shitty and this just might be it, for you, for a while. you know every once in a while you get this feeling? like you are driving down the highway listening to music and the right song comes on at the right time and the sun is shining just right and it could be the stupidest song but you feel so alive? and well? or, you are at the beach and realize how gorgeous the sky looks and you are so happy to be witnessing it? i haven't had a single one of those moments. in a long, time. the blah-ness is wearing on me, heavy.