yeah i gotta dream... to be your worst nightmare <3
you know... i rushed to the computer feeling inspired but now i sit here and ive got nothing. just blank and empty as usual. summer A ends next week... then its off to new york on firday to see my fucking boo!! :) ive never been so excited to see someone. pathetic i know haha. this past week has been rough. i feel like ive had this dark cloud hovering over me. its damn near impossible to shake it. i realize that a lot of who i am lies within my bitterness. maybe if i got rid of that... things would be better. who knows. i ought to be in class right now... but honestly my mind is on a million and one other things. i push myself to be a better person everyday and i feel like ive gotten nowhere. it seems like only the scum of life get to be happy. i know my time will come... and i would have earned the RIGHT way not the easy way... but shit, sometimes i feel like what does it matter? what i want and what is right are never the same thing. -sigh- theres so much i want to write down... but cant find the right words to express... love is sucha tricky thing. there are so many forms of it... the type between mother & daughter, sister & sister, lover & lover, friend & friend soulmate & soulmate. when those different loves blend its hard to tell which is the primary. you can start off as friends, become lovers, and love that person like a brother (sick haha). its so weird. someone could be your soulmate then fall through the ranks to friend. its fucking disgraceful. after all these months i finally know what you meant when you said "i cant just be your fucking friend." i love it when people try to lie to themselves. convince themselves that they're happy where they are in life... who the fuck are you fooling? you cant fool yourself let alone anyone else. ill let you make your own mistakes. because the one you're about to make now is the end all. the fucking easy way out. you always tried to ruin anything good i had going for me... but i know it will fucking hurt you so much more to realize that YOU are the only one to blame for your unhappiness. we grow up. we move on. we become different people. but i have no doubt in my mind that you are the only one losing in this process. i grow. i move on. i become a success. you grow. you "move on" and end up with a mess of problems. i know when im older ill be able to look back at your life and fucking laugh. but for now im just jealous because you seem so content. i just try to keep in mind that you're fucking older than me. and that when im your age ill be making that $$$$ and you will be where you are... haha. people can say what they want about me but honestly im as genuine as they fucking come. bitchy or not i promise that you will get whats fucking coming to you :) i like when i write whatever comes to mind because it just proves how contradicting i am lmao. im better than you and honestly thats all that matters. you will regret ever having met me. i swear. being hurt makes people do craZy shit. hmm i will try not to end this on a bad note. im going back to the crib and im going to eat the largest meal imaginable. i love food :) :) :) okay its funny i wanted this to be positive and uplifting and yet it ended off bitter. REAAAAALLLLLLY got to work on that ;) OH! i know something happy. ill be 20 in exactly one month :D suck it bitchesssss.
-stiner
-stiner