all the things that are on my brain

[_all_is_on_]

1. ryan haywood and i were best friends for awhile and i loved her with all my heart.. and then even when we stopped hanging out i still cared about her a lot.. so yeah we hungout on friday for the first time in awhile.. and well the only way to explain it is.. if you were to break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend that you were still in love with and then hungout with them again.. like basically all my feelings just came back and smaked me right in the face.. i was still upset about the dumb stuff that happened between us and felt a little awkward.. but i couldn't help but to hug her and kiss her on the cheek when her eyes teared up about moving away.. thats right she moved away the next day. i'm so scared of not having her with me now.. like it took the whole time we weren't really friends for me to get used to sleeping alone and not having my other half basically.. i love her so much and am gonna have a hard time coping with the fact that she is gone. it feels like a part of me is missing already. i hate it ]: i just wish we didn't stop hanging out for that time because i could have had more time to spend with her before saying bye.. and watching/helping her pack away everything.
2. benjamin mcglamory is my older brother, not by blood, but in every other way he is. I like to hangout with him as much as he can stand me lol but its gonna be terribly sad at the end of this summer because he is gonna go back to school and won't be staying here next summer.. im gonna miss that boy like crazy! we have gotten a lot closer lately. im actually scared of him leaving because i don't know who i can trust like i do him.. i can tell him anything without him judging me.. he just gives me advice. and as far as im concerned he is family [:
3. brandon mcglamory wow where do i even begin.. i had the biggest crush on him my freshmen year and he supposedly liked me too.. but for many reasons we couldn't date. and so he ended up dating a girl that had been a friend of mine for awhile and they were together about 2 years.. and now they recently broke up and he tells me that he still likes me.. but i don't know how i feel about that because he is gonna either move away for college or join the armed forces.. not sure what  branch yet.. but either way i don't see how we could ever date, plus we are both so different! but at the same time i like him,.. or atleast the idea of him.. idk even. things are just so confusing.. its like the more i hangout with him the more i like him and wish things could work out for us to date.. but idk...
4. chris is a boy i like but .. i guess he makes me feel unsure of myself. i'm usually confident and just positive about things but he makes me nervous.. my palms get sweaty .. sometimes i even get butterflies.. and my confidence completely disapears.. it's rediculous.. i don't know if i should keep talking to him or not because i'm looking for a relationship right now.. not just another friendship with someone that i like.. because that just sucks all around. idk i wish i could be normal around him.. but w/e i guess i just need to relax and not think about it especially not when im around him or talking to him.. iy iy iy lol im rediculous
5. anonymous i really look up to this guy and i feel like he has used me almost idk its weird to explain but i feel bad about the whole situation.. nothing like what you are probably thinking lol but i still feel weird especailly considering he is moving in a few weeks.. lame

so yeah basically that is what is on my mind and driving me crazy right now..
well there is a little bit more.. but not anything i can share with the whole world
so if you wanna help me out and let me vent to you let me know haha
i need someone to talk to .. that i dont know their opinions on everything already.

i love you guys<3 later