and so it goes...
my life has become a living, breathing soap opera. nothing that wasn't of my own doing, i know, but i find it somewhat amusing that my life - that was so unbelievably ordinary and plain - is now full of drama and sex.
i spent the night at mike's last night. (footnote: mike being the guy that ended up my relationship with dan, because i met up with him for the first time in years and ended up sleeping with him while i was still with dan.) he called me at 1am last night asking if i wanted to go keep him company. yes, i realize that it sounds like some under-glorified booty call, but i was lonely, i was angry and i wanted to be with someone. so i went. i'm not saying i regret it. i don't regret it like i did the first time it happened. but... i'm confused. and angry with myself. i'm angry with myself for not caring more about it.
i was never into casual sex. never. and i'm angry at myself for being mostly ok with it now. what the hell changed in me? i don't want to be that person. i'm so frustrated that i'm this person now, when i don't know how i became this way, or how to change it. or even if i really want to.
jason is mia. after the conversation i had with him at the end of this past week saying that he's just been really depressed and shutting everyone out, i haven't heard from him since. he said on the phone that he didn't want a relationship, and he wasn't sure if i was expecting one. i assured him that i would be there for him however he needed me to be... and i would love to be his friend. i'm not ready for a relationship either. he told me not to take it personally if he didn't talk to me for a few days, because he's still trying to get back on track. but it's making me frustrated that the kid i'd been talking to three times a day for the past three weeks is suddenly unaccessable to me. i told melissa i'm very close to telling him that if he doesn't call me to just let me know he's ok that i would be forced to drive to his work up in new hampshire and ask him face to face. i hate feeling like i'm stalking him. god damnit i'm a FRIEND. i'm someone who cares about your well being. don't shut me out.
i just don't know what to do anymore. and i don't know what to think about the people around me or myself. i just want to hide and never come back out. i hate feeling this lonely and unwanted and... well.. ditched.
i spent the night at mike's last night. (footnote: mike being the guy that ended up my relationship with dan, because i met up with him for the first time in years and ended up sleeping with him while i was still with dan.) he called me at 1am last night asking if i wanted to go keep him company. yes, i realize that it sounds like some under-glorified booty call, but i was lonely, i was angry and i wanted to be with someone. so i went. i'm not saying i regret it. i don't regret it like i did the first time it happened. but... i'm confused. and angry with myself. i'm angry with myself for not caring more about it.
i was never into casual sex. never. and i'm angry at myself for being mostly ok with it now. what the hell changed in me? i don't want to be that person. i'm so frustrated that i'm this person now, when i don't know how i became this way, or how to change it. or even if i really want to.
jason is mia. after the conversation i had with him at the end of this past week saying that he's just been really depressed and shutting everyone out, i haven't heard from him since. he said on the phone that he didn't want a relationship, and he wasn't sure if i was expecting one. i assured him that i would be there for him however he needed me to be... and i would love to be his friend. i'm not ready for a relationship either. he told me not to take it personally if he didn't talk to me for a few days, because he's still trying to get back on track. but it's making me frustrated that the kid i'd been talking to three times a day for the past three weeks is suddenly unaccessable to me. i told melissa i'm very close to telling him that if he doesn't call me to just let me know he's ok that i would be forced to drive to his work up in new hampshire and ask him face to face. i hate feeling like i'm stalking him. god damnit i'm a FRIEND. i'm someone who cares about your well being. don't shut me out.
i just don't know what to do anymore. and i don't know what to think about the people around me or myself. i just want to hide and never come back out. i hate feeling this lonely and unwanted and... well.. ditched.