(no subject)
... it's been a bit slow around here lately. I suppose everyone's on holiday.
ANYWHO.
Who wants more story? I have to tell you... this will most likely be finished by the end of this week... Because I'm leaving for 3 weeks. So. Enjoy. There's still plenty more to go though, so no worries.
Here's two chapters, to make up for the long wait inbetween.
DK,DO,NH
Links
Archive 1-25
Archive 26-50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Ville soon learned that life with a two year old was not always fun and games. Although Bam had some how become an expert at figuring out just what to do and say in case of an unhappy and discontent Verena, Ville still hadn’t got the knack of it. He was forever fixing her the wrong kind of cereal or giving her the wrong juice, or letting her do the wrong thing at the wrong time. When she complained, or if Bam saw, he would come over to where Ville was inevitably about to get on his hands and knees and beg her to stop crying and quietly take the offending object out of his hands and tell him what she needed or wanted. It wasn’t menacing, Bam was simply trying to teach him what to do. But it was driving Ville crazy. He must have been mad to take them on. He’d never been good with children, and he wanted Bam to think that he was capable of taking care of her on his own, if he was planning to leave her with him for a while.
“How do you do it?” He asked incredulously once, after Bam had interpreted from Reni’s screams which toy she wanted instead of the one Ville had handed to her and had stopped her howling within 5 seconds. “I just don’t get it. How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“That! Make her stop crying like that.” Bam frowned.
“What do you mean?” Ville shrugged, flopping, defeated, down on to the couch. “Ville? You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired. And I don’t get it! How come you know exactly what she wants and exactly what to do… and why does she always cry whenever I give her something? Am I that incompetent?” Bam sighed and knelt down in front of Ville, grabbing his hands to make sure he was looking at him.
“You are not incompetent. You’re doing fine, okay? It’s not easy to make a two year old happy all the time. And she cries at me, too. I just know from experience what she tends to want when - I’m her father. But you’ll get it soon, too. If you really want to that is. You don’t really need to try and look after her at all; technically it’s my responsibility.” Ville shrugged and shook his head.
“I told you, I want to help you. And I meant it. I’m sorry… I’m just tired. And I need a fag.” Because Reni was living in the apartment, Ville couldn’t smoke in it anymore. Bam hadn’t asked him not to, but Ville had decided he wouldn’t. He didn’t need to make Reni sick.
“You would be so much healthier if you stopped smoking, Ville,” said Bam, ever the anti-cigarette campaigner.
“Ah, maybe so, but my voice would be all choir-boy like and my fingernails would definitely suffer - it’s the only relaxation I get. Well, besides alcohol; and I haven’t been properly drunk in months, amazingly.”
“I just don’t want you to die of lung cancer.”
“Darling…” Ville kissed Bam on the top of his head. “I have been dying since the day I was born.” He winked and Bam rolled his eyes. “Whether from lung cancer or because my liver fails me or because some rabid fan shoots me in the chest, I’m going to die someday. Hopefully, it won’t be because of any of those reasons and I will die happily in my sleep at a very ripe old age of… oh, no older than 60.”
“No older than 60?”
“No. Could you imagine being older than 60?”
“60’s not old!” Bam protested, pulling himself up and sitting next to Ville on the couch.
“No? Well, I suppose you’re right. 70 then.” Bam raised an eyebrow. “75? Bam, I don’t want to get old and wrinkly!”
“Why ever not?” Ville sighed, and then held out his heavily tattooed arm.
“Can you imagine what this is going to look like when I’m 70?” Bam blinked in disbelief, and then started laughing hysterically. Ville rolled his eyes and got up to go out on the balcony for his cigarette. Lighting it up, lifting it to his mouth and taking a drag from in it the same way he’d done for as many years as he could remember, he felt the familiar and comforting wash of nicotine in his system calm his jittery nerves. However, nicotine or not, he still jumped when, on his second cigarette, Bam wrapped his arms around his waist and nuzzled into his neck.
“You know, second hand smoking is just as dangerous,” Ville said to the skyline view without turning around to face Bam.
“Yeah, but I’m willing to risk it.” Ville smiled, tipped the ash off the end of the cigarette and took another drag.
“What’s up?” he asked, turning his head finally to try and look at Bam, who shrugged nonchalantly.
“Nothing… I wanted a hug.”
“Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?” Ville wrapped his arms around Bam and squeezed him for a second or two. “What’s Reni doing?”
“She’s watching Lion King.”
“Again?” It never ceased to amaze Ville that she could watch that movie so many times and still be entertained by it.
“She loves it.”
“Oh.” Then Ville realized why he was out side with him instead of watching Reni. “It’s not, by any chance, at the part where Mufasa dies, is it?” Bam sighed and nodded. “Oh.” Without saying anything, Ville pulled Bam closer again and kissed the top of his head.
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay.” Sounds of the stampede boomed out of the TV set and made their way out on to the balcony. Bam shivered and cuddled closer to Ville, who kissed him again and then took another drag on his cigarette.
“Bam?”
“Yeah?”
“You never really told me… how exactly Michelle died…”
“I didn’t?”
“No. I mean, I know it was a car… but… I don’t know how.”
“Really? Oh… I’m sorry.” Bam took a breath. “She was crossing the street to get to the grocery store from her car and some drunk guy rammed her into a tree in the median. Drunk at 12 in the afternoon - even you’re not that bad. Anyways. She was rushed to hospital, and they operated, but they couldn’t do anything. Her internal injuries were so bad it was a miracle she lasted long enough for me to get there to see her.” He shrugged, but Ville just pulled him closer and kissed him again.
“What’d you do … you know, when you got home?” Bam shrugged.
“Ryan tried to stay, but I told him not to… and I took Reni and sat in bed; she fell asleep and I just sat there in complete disbelief. I don’t remember crying or anything.” Bam shrugged. “It was so surreal… she was gone, really truly gone. I kept thinking I was dreaming, and I kept pinching myself and finding that I wasn’t; and I just thought how hopeless it was. I couldn’t do anything by myself… bring up a child? Me? No way!”
“But you have.”
“Yes. Well. So far so good, I guess.” Bam slid his hands into Ville’s pockets. “You know… when I finally realized what had happened, I just wanted to die myself. But… I remembered… you know, when you had all those cuts on your arms? And I made you promise not to hurt yourself anymore?” Ville nodded - how many times had he remembered that promise himself in the years past? “I couldn’t do it, not after making you promise not to. And of course, Reni… she always made me smile, no matter what. But it was hell. I was a wreck for a while… some how I pulled myself together eventually… but… it still hurts.”
“Obviously,” Ville said, shrugging. “It’s going to hurt. You loved her.”
“But not as much as I could have. I still feel guilty about that.”
“You said she said she didn’t care.”
“She didn’t. That’s why I feel guilty.” They locked eyes, and Ville understood. Holding Bam closer, he kissed his head again. “You know, I never stopped thinking about you, Ville. All those years - even when Michelle was dying in front of my eyes; sitting in my bedroom with Reni in my lap just home from the hospital… I was thinking about you.”
“Well, I never stopped thinking about you. You know… I just realized… I had seen Michelle before you showed me her picture a few weeks ago. On TV - I somehow caught a part of Jackass and she was there… only I thought she was with Dunn, not you; you were flinging yourself off of a diving board and she was leaning against the wall with Ryan…” Bam grinned.
“God, you have no idea how much that hurt.”
“What?”
“Jumping off the diving board like that.”
“Oh.” Ville chuckled. “It was hilarious though. Well, it would have been if I hadn’t been so pissed off that you were actually enjoying yourself.”
“You were pissed off?”
“Yeah… I spent most of those 7 years trying to hate you. Really, I did. Didn’t work though…” Ville sighed, lit another cigarette and took a deep drag. “I was addicted from the first time I saw you, really… couldn’t stop it.” He shrugged, and then laughed. “I can’t believe this is all real.”
“What?”
“This. We’re together again… not too much the worse for the wear… and we’ve both changed but this whole thing - our relationship, us - it hasn’t really changed at all. And I think I love you more than I did before, which was something I never thought was possible. And we’re both rich and famous… really, we have perfect lives.” Bam laughed and rolled his eyes; as if to prove a point, a smashing sound came from inside, and then a high-pitched wail.
“Well. I don’t think any thing is perfect,” Bam said, sighing and then rushing inside to check that his daughter was okay.
After Reni and Bam had been in Ville’s apartment for just a week, Ville had already managed to train himself to ignore Reni jumping on their bed at 7 30 in the morning and somehow kept sleeping even after Bam had got up. It was only when he could smell the proof that there was definitely coffee waiting for him downstairs - normally about 45 minutes after Bam got up - that he would even begin to think of moving. 8 was way too early to get up when he didn’t have anywhere to be, and he was - for all practical matters - free for a few months. He didn’t like waking up to an empty bed, but he didn’t want to wake up before 8 either. Fortunately, Bam made his coffee very strong, so after a few cups of coffee strong enough to stand a fork in and 2 cigarettes smoked in the chill of the morning he found himself just about ready to face the day ahead. On one such morning, he stood out on the balcony in his - or Bam’s - bathrobe (he couldn’t remember whose it was. It didn’t really matter) looking out on the dock. Bam was in the bathroom trying to give Reni a bath. From the sound of it, he wasn’t too successful. He only called her Verena when she wasn’t behaving - Ville smiled as he squealed: apparently, she’d splashed a great deal of water on to him. Shaking his head, he closed the window that served as the door to the balcony and relished the momentary silence. However, a gull soon interrupted that, swooping low over his head and squawking. He lit up a cigarette and took a drag, blowing the smoke in the direction of the sails on the harbor. He loved the view of the docks that his apartment afforded him; it gave him a feeling of calm, it was his place of reverie. Ville had often come up here over the past years - distraught and upset and sometimes ravenously mad, feeling betrayed, alone, or simply empty. But as soon as he looked out over the boats in the port, or, at night, the lights of the city from way up high, he could feel everything slipping away. How often he’d wished he could spread his wings and fly from it, far far away from all the problems in his life. How glad he was now that, one night in the middle of a celebration, a stranger had grabbed him and pulled him down from the railing, where he was standing balanced precariously, arms spread ready to embrace the tarmac down below him and the nothingness that would hopefully follow.
“Ville?” Bam stood in the doorway; he’d said his name several times until Ville finally noticed.
“Yeah?”
“You should take a shower, Vil’. We have to go soon.” Ville nodded, thanked Bam, and turned back to the view and his cigarette. How much their lives had changed, he mused, flicking the cigarette butt over the edge. It was a wonder they still knew each other. Bam had gone from a crazy, almost childlike menace to a caring, responsible and very busy father. And he himself had changed - in the few years that Bam had been part of his life he had been happy and carefree, and had regarded the world as his oyster. But now? Now he was a paranoid wreck, tired of life and pissed off with the world. Or he had been until Bam came back. But he was still worried - what if Bam realized that he wasn’t the same strong person he had been before, when he’d had to take care of Bam a lot of the time? Would it change things? What if Bam realized that he didn’t want to live the life of a rock star, but wanted something more settled and normal for him and his daughter? What if, when the media found out, they were torn to shreds? Could they handle the stress? Could they really live together and not grow tired of each other’s company? They’d never lived together before. What if it was the one different thing in their relationship that pulled it apart?
“Ville, are you okay?” Bam stepped out onto the balcony, frowning. Ville nodded, forcing himself to smile.
“Just thinking,” he said, brushing Bam’s hair out of his eyes.
“About what?” Ville shrugged, looking around and shivering a bit. “Tell me.” Bam put his hand up to Ville’s face and looked into his eyes. Ah, what sorrow Ville could see in those blue eyes. It was immature sorrow; the gaze of someone who’s seen loved ones die and lifestyles fade. But Ville also saw the unmistakable iron glint of strength. He’d pulled himself through and made do with what he had to, and he wasn’t really looking back, and he definitely wasn’t going to let anyone see how hurt he’d really been. Chewing on his lip, Ville let the wind blow his hair from his face, and then looked back down at Bam.
“You know… you’re so different… you’re all grown up; I don’t quite know what happened to the reckless, careless boy I fell in love with.” Bam raised an eyebrow.
“Ville, I’m not that different.” Ville smiled.
“Oh. But you are. Of course, the old Bam is still in there. I know there’s still a part of you that’s dying to jump off of this balcony into a pool of whipped cream, or something similarly stupid - but … you’re so strong and grown up… you make me feel quite like a silly teenager again.” Ville shrugged, rubbing his arms. Bam was still watching him closely.
“You’re not a silly teenager; you don’t act like it either. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bam… we’ve changed so much, both of us… how can …” he took a deep breath; “How can we be sure that, you know, we’re not just telling ourselves we’re still in love because we want it to be so?”
“Ah, so that’s what you’re worried about? That I might not really love you?”
“I don’t see how you can… I’m so - different. I feel like my life’s going to slip through my fingers any second; how can you love someone like that?” Bam smiled, knowingly.
“How? You’re asking me how I can love someone so beautiful, so kind and funny and sweet and smart? Someone who knows what I’m thinking before I even think it, who knows exactly what I’m going to do before I even move a muscle? I don’t know, Ville,” Bam finished sarcastically. “How could I love the only person who’s ever really understood me?” Ville sighed. Bam took hold of his arms. “Listen to me. I’ve fucked this relationship up one too many times to let you do it now by doubting yourself. I promise, I would not be here if I didn’t love you with my whole and entire heart. And… I think - I think the same thing goes for you too.” Ville nodded slowly. Bam smiled and stroked Ville’s face. “Great. So can you stop doubting whether or not this is going to work and just trust that it will?” Ville nodded.
“I think so - I do love you Bam.”
“I love you too - remember, when we had that whole discussion about fate and coincidence? And how I hated both of them?” Ville thought back hard, and finally remembered the slightly drunken conversation.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because… I decided… I quite like fate now. You know why?”
“No. Why?”
“Cuz - I think that you and I were destined for each other.” Bam smiled at him. Ville laughed.
“What, like it was written in the stars or something?”
“Yeah, exactly - tonight we’ll look out and I bet you 10 bucks we’ll see “Ville and Bam are meant to be” written up there in big block letters.” Bam winked at him and wrapped his arms around him. “Don’t worry, Ville. Nothing bad is going to happen. Well - okay. Bad things might happen, but I promise: I’m not leaving you ever again.” Ville sighed.
“Bam. That’s what you said last time.”
“I was a kid last time, thank you very much! I am a 26 year old responsible father and multi-millionaire this time.” He winked at Ville. “I think you can trust me.”
“You do, do you?” Ville raised an eyebrow, wrapping an arm around Bam’s waist and guiding him inside.
“Yes, I do. And know what else I think?”
“No, what?”
“That you should get in the shower. You smell.” Bam winked at him and kissed his cheek.
“You’re horrible! Maybe I don’t want to go out with you, after all.” Bam pouted.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “How can I make it up to you?” Ville pondered this for a little, and then came up with his answer.
“Stick Reni in her crib - and get in the shower,” he ordered, smiling. Bam frowned.
“Huh?”
“Get in the shower,” Ville repeated.
“Why - ohhh.” Ville winked at him, and he grinned, plopped Reni in her crib, and disappeared into the shower with Ville following close behind him.
\
Chapter 53
They were only a little bit late for their appointment after their shower, and rushed into the office, Bam pushing Reni in her carriage and Ville following after him, a bag of toys and other essentials flung over his shoulder.
“It’s about time, Ville,” said Seppo, looking up at him and frowning.
“Yeah, sorry about that - we got uh, caught up. Seppo, Bam; Bam, Seppo. And this is Silke. Everyone else, I think you know.” Linde, Mige, Burton, Gas, Jussi, Marie, and Anna smiled at them. Bam said hi, shook the hands of the people he didn’t know, and then bent over and released Reni from her baby carriage. She ran straight over to Anna and pulled herself up in Anna’s lap; Anna talked to her quietly, but then Bam handed her a coloring book and she entertained herself scribbling anywhere but inside the lines.
“So, Ville, what exactly did you call the meeting for?” Seppo asked, opening his folder ready to take notes. Ville looked over at Bam, who nodded and smiled.
“Well. First off to tell you - Seppo and Silke - about Bam.”
“Indeed?” Seppo’s properness didn’t scare Ville; he was used to it.
“Yeah. As you may know, Bam is a professional skateboarder, he’s sponsored by some of the best brands in the business; his brother is the drummer in CKY, an American band, and he helped to plan, film, and is in Jackass, the series on MTV.” A look of recognition dawned on Silke’s face.
“That’s where I know you from,” she said to Bam. Bam grinned. “I was wondering whether or not your face had recovered - you were the one that fell down the stairs and skinned his face, right?” Bam grimaced.
“Yeah. That would be me.”
“Shit,” said Ville. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. Hurt like a bitch.” Anna chuckled - she’d seen it happen. “Shut up Anna - you didn’t exactly warn me about them, either.”
“Well, you were the one that wanted to tape your feet to the skateboard.” Ville chuckled and rolled his eyes.
“Anna and Bam, you see, spent a lot of time together in West Chester, where Anna moved to live with Bam’s brother before she married Burton.” Seppo nodded; Silke smiled.
“But… I don’t understand. What else is there to tell me about Bam?” Seppo asked, an eyebrow raised.
“Um… well, we’re a couple, see?” Silke stared at them, but Seppo just nodded.
“I see.”
“And… well we - and the band - thought we should tell you, and especially you, Silke, before there are rumors and things.”
“And this - is Bam’s daughter?” Seppo asked, motioning towards Reni. Bam nodded. “And… you have permanent custody of her?”
“Her mother died,” Bam said shortly.
“Oh dear. I’m sorry,” Seppo said; Silke put her hand on Bam’s arm. Bam just smiled and shrugged.
“But surely, Ville, that’s not why we all had to be here. We’ve known about you and Bam for 11 years,” Linde said, smiling.
“Well. The other thing - we want your opinion before we give the final word. It was Bam’s idea, let him explain.” Ville sat back and listened to Bam outlining his plan, of how to ‘pimp’, as he called it, their band in the states, and also his plans for some music videos and things. He even brought some of the movies he’d shot before to show to Seppo, so that he didn’t think he was just screwing around with it and show him that he knew what he was doing. At the end, Seppo and Silke were nodding slowly at Bam, and his friends had all fallen out of their chairs with laughter; one of the videos he’d shown had been one that he’d made while they were all still in high school, as a joke. It was the last one he’d shown, and he’d just stopped it on a frame that showed all of them gathered together as a group doing various silly and typical things.
“So… what do you think? Only, I have to go give my manufacturers the go ahead - they’ve got designs and everything ready. With the heartagram, I mean.”
“What kind of things are you making?”
“Oh - hoodies, shirts, pants, shoes, hats, necklaces, bracelets… I mean, there’s all that stuff already out there with my name on it, sadly enough, but we’re doing a new batch.”
“What do you guys think?” Ville asked the band, who were pulling themselves back onto their chairs slowly. Reni seemed to be the only one in the room completely unfazed by Bam’s presentation; she was still coloring contentedly, although Anna wondered very much why she kept making crashing noises as each crayon touched the paper. But it was true - Seppo was impressed, Silke excited, the rest of the band and Jussi and Marie remembered again why they all loved Bam so much, and Ville was proud to bursting. Reni simply kept coloring, the calm in a storm of reaction. Burton answered Ville’s question for everyone:
“Since when has anyone ever been able to stop Bam doing what he wants to?” He grinned at Bam, who grinned back, shrugging. So it was settled; it was also settled that they wouldn’t release the new record for a few months, as Ville had predicted, and he and Bam left the office of Heartagram Inc. in considerably good spirits, and decided to drop in on Jesse. They stayed there until Reni had fallen asleep, laughing together and catching up with each other. When Reni was asleep, Bam tugged on Ville’s sleeve to tell him it was time to go, and they took their leave, placing Reni in her stroller and beginning the walk home in the cool evening air. It wasn’t late - about 7 - but it was already very dark.
“Look, Ville - you can never see that many stars in Philly.” Bam tilted his head back and gazed up, still walking. Ville had to stop him from running into a telephone box. Once they had safely stopped, Ville joined Bam in looking skywards.
“So - where’s this message proclaiming we’re meant to be,” he asked, a smirk on his face. Bam didn’t falter for a second.
“There - look.” He took Ville’s hand and simply spelt the words in the air, not really bothering about the stars. When he was done, Ville was just gazing at him, bursting with love. Bam rolled his eyes and kept on walking.
“Where are you going? That’s the wrong way to our house, Bam.”
“I know. Let’s go for a walk.”
“It’s cold. Reni’ll get sick.”
“Reni will be fine. She’s made of tough stuff; anyways, she’s wrapped in about a billion blankets. Come on.” He grabbed Ville’s hand and pulled him away from their apartment. They walked quietly, their fingers entwined, Bam pushing the stroller with his other hand.
“Shall I push it?” Ville asked after a little while of aimless wandering. Bam shrugged, letting Ville take control of it. He felt a bit empty, walking around without having to push anything, even though Reni was still in the stroller in front of him. Ville disentangled his fingers from Bam’s, wrapping an arm around his waist instead. They ended up sitting on a park bench, arms wrapped around each other, talking quietly about this and that. Within a few minutes, Bam had Ville gasping for breath between fits of laughter, and he didn’t even know what was so funny. He kept on with his story, rolling his eyes at Ville, now laughing so loudly they were actually getting glares from the few passers-by.
“Ville, what is so funny?” Ville just shrugged, grasping his sides.
“I can’t breathe!” he gasped, squeezing Bam’s hand. Bam nestled into his shoulder and took a deep breath of Ville’s familiar smell: stale cigarette smoke mixed with the same cologne he’d worn since Bam first met him with a splash of Jack Daniels and Jägermeister, all rolled into one.
“Bam, what are you doing?”
“Smelling,” Bam said, taking another deep breath of the comforting scent.
“What on earth for?” Bam shrugged.
“Just because. I like how you smell.”
“Not too much like cigarettes then?” Ville asked, an eyebrow raised, remembering one of their many discussions on the deductive qualities of cigarettes.
“Shut up,” Bam said, rolling his eyes. He leant forwards to check on Reni; satisfied she was okay, he returned to Ville’s warm embrace and showered his face with kisses. They had only just begun to make out like teenagers again when Reni started to make muffled sounds of protest in her stroller. Sighing, Bam broke off from Ville’s swollen lips and, apologizing, suggested that they should probably make their way back to the apartment. Ville nodded, slipped his hand into the pocket of Bam’s pants, and pushed the carriage ahead of him, letting Bam walk awkwardly with both arms wrapped tight around his waist.
After a few days, their quiet routine was broken by a competition of Bam’s, taking place in Oulu. It wasn’t that far away, but it was the first time Bam was taking Reni to a competition that lasted more than a day. His initial idea was to go alone with Reni, but Ville pronounced the idea preposterous, and insisted on coming along with them.
“Well, of course you can, but I don’t see why you’d want to… it’ll be extremely dull. I have to help commentate as well as skate…”
“Exactly. You’ll need someone to take care of Reni. Come on, you know you want me to come.” Ville winked at him.
“Of course I want you with me, but I thought you might have work to do.”
“Nah - not really. Could write some songs. Should write some songs, actually. But I’d much rather be with you.”
“… I don’t want to seem like I’m shoving her off on you,” Bam said cautiously, watching Reni send a big play-dough ball at a play-dough person to knock him over. Ville rolled his eyes.
“We’ll be fine. It’ll give me a chance to get used to looking after her.”
“What for?”
“For when you leave for America, dumbass.” Ville rolled his eyes.
“Oh. Right. Good point. But…”
“Stop right there. Your parents have to come with you right away, and you don’t really want to trouble Anna or Marie with her - I mean… unless you don’t want me looking after her…” Ville, noticing what Reni was doing before Bam did, rushed over to the table before she could smoosh play-dough into the carpet.
“Here… how about you do that on here, k Reni?” Reni nodded, trying the experiment again on the table.
“I would like very much if you wanted to take care of her… I didn’t know you did.”
“Of course I do. Dunno how good I’ll be at it, but … we’ll be fine. And that’s why its good to have the practice up in Oulu.” Ville nodded resolutely. Bam relented, and booked Ville a plane ticket along with him and Reni.
Three days later found them scurrying around at 5 in the morning trying to pack. Reni was still asleep, but Bam was nowhere near ready and Ville had completely forgotten that they were going for longer than just a day, so he had to repack too. He was diving into one of his drawers in search of warm socks - it was cold up in Oulu - when Bam decided to spank his upraised ass, causing him to hit his head hard on the drawer.
“Shit! Bam! Fuckhead!” He stood up quickly, rubbing the back of his head.
“Shit… sorry baby, I didn’t mean to…” The death glare Ville was giving him shut him up, and he went back to stuffing all his warm clothes in a suitcase along with the clothes he needed for the skate competition. Then he went to his closet and grabbed 3 skateboards, put 2 in his giant suitcase, and tried to stuff one into Ville’s - who protested that he needed the room, so Bam decided he’d have to carry it on. Finally, he looked around for a coat. It wasn’t winter yet so he didn’t need his Eskimo jacket - or what looked like one, anyways - but he definitely needed a coat. Finally, he remembered a box that he’d never unpacked and had completely forgotten about.
“Shit. Ville - do you know where that box is? The one covered in duct tape?”
“No, why?”
“I need it.”
“Why? Bam we have to go soon! Have you got all of Reni’s stuff packed?”
“Yes, yes, her clothes are in my suitcase and I’ve got all the diapers and shit in that bag there. But I need that box!”
“Look in the closet in the landing,” Ville said, waving him away, and looking dubiously in the hurricane site that was Bam’s suitcase to make sure he had enough clothes for Reni; there was no point in checking really, because he had more than enough clothes for her.
“Aha!” Bam’s victorious cry came from the hallway and he rushed inside the room with a big box covered in duct tape.
“What is that, Bam?”
“Look,” he said, opening the lid. Ville stared. Inside was everything that he had ever given Bam until 8 years before, all the pictures that had ever been taken of them; tapes and CD’s, magazines, random trinkets, letters, mugs, even old candy wrappers. Bam was throwing them all on the bed, digging to the bottom of the box. Ville picked things up and stared at them in amazement; he even saved the heartagram rosary from falling between the set of drawers and the wall as Bam chucked it out.
“Bam! Quit throwing things!”
“HA! I knew I never threw it away!” Bam pulled out the long black coat Ville had given him on their first Christmas together and shook it out. It had been folded for so long there were still fold marks on it even when he shook it, but he didn’t care. He traced some of the designs with a nostalgic finger before pulling the coat on.
“It still fits you, Bam…”
“Course it does. I never grew more than like 2 inches…” he rolled his eyes. Grinning, he shrugged his shoulders so that the jacket fit straight. “I knew I was missing something,” he said, taking the heartagram pendant from Ville’s hand. Once he had it on, Ville smiled happily. Bam looked at himself in the mirror and laughed aloud.
“I look like your heartagram whore.”
“Oh, but you are - my little heartagram whore.” Ville winked and cuddled him close. “I can’t believe you kept all this stuff.”
“What was I supposed to do, throw it away? No - I had to duct tape it up to keep myself from looking at it though - but you can see that that didn’t really work…” Ville looked amusedly at the duct tape on the edges of the box which had long ago been hastily torn in what seemed to have been a desperate attempt to get into it. He chuckled.
“Come on, heartagram whore, go get your daughter and let’s go.” Bam rolled his eyes, made Ville sit on his suitcase so that he could zip it shut, and then went to grab Reni from her crib. However, it was apparently too early, and she woke up crying very loudly.
“Shh, it’s okay, Reni. We’re going on an airplane today, you ready?” She shook her head resolutely and curled back up, trying to tell him that she was going to sleep.
“No such luck, darling. We’re already late. Come on, up you get.” He took her out and she started screaming and pounding his shoulder.
“Reni! Shush! Ugh. Ville! A little help!?” He couldn’t get her her breakfast and try to contain the hissy fit. Ville rolled his eyes but went to help, fixed up her breakfast quickly and set it in front of her and Bam, now sitting at the kitchen table. She was still crying. Bam sighed exasperatedly; she refused to eat too.
“Verena. You have to eat. Open your mouth.” He hadn’t had to hand feed her in ages, and they were late, and he really didn’t want to be doing this. “Verena! Now!” Reni sat back and stared at him. He almost never raised his voice to her. She pouted, but still refused. “You have to eat. Come on. Let’s go.”
“No,” she said, and tried to climb down from his lap.
“Verena!” he grabbed her and looked her straight in the eye. “You have got to eat. Now. Let’s go, come on. In your mouth. And then we can go on an airplane, okay?”
“I wanna go airplane now!” Bam sighed. Ville, who had been resolutely ignoring the whole thing and drinking his coffee, finally turned around and, whispering “let me try,” to Bam, took her out of his hands and sat down across the table.
“You wanna go on an airplane, Reni?” She nodded. “Well, they don’t let little girls on airplanes if they haven’t had any breakfast.”
“No. Don’t wanna!”
“You don’t want to eat?” Ville sighed and shrugged at her. “Well, then I guess you can’t go on the airplane, and your Daddy’ll have to go all by himself.” She frowned. “You ever been on an airplane before, Reni?” She shook her head. Bam smiled - she had, of course, but she didn’t remember. “You know what they’re like?”
“No…”
“They’re like… big flying dinosaurs, made out of metal.” Ville spooned the cereal into her wide mouth. She chewed and swallowed.
“Really?”
“Really. And they make a lot of noise, just like you.” He smiled. Bam was watching in awe as he kept spooning cereal into her mouth. “Oops, eat up.” Ville caught a dribble of milk with his finger and smiled at her. “And if you’re a good girl and eat all your breakfast, maybe the dinosaur will let you in and show you how it works - and then it’ll take you way up in the sky.”
“In the sky?”
“Yeah. We’re going to fly - like birds.” She swallowed again.
“Birds?”
“Uh-huh. But airplanes don’t flap their wings like birds.” She swallowed the last of her cereal in complete awe of Ville’s words. Bam shook his head in amazement, smiled adoringly at Ville, and took her bowl to the sink to wash it out. Ville was whispering something in her ear now, hugging her to his chest. She nodded and climbed out of his lap, running to where Bam stood washing the dishes. She tugged on his pants until he bent down and picked her up.
“What’s up, princess?”
“I’s sowwy for not being good,” she said, throwing her arms around his neck. Bam smiled and held her close, kissing her curly head. “We still go on airplane?”
“Of course.” She grinned and kissed his cheek, and then scrambled around to show she wanted out of his arms. He let her go and watched her run clumsily to Ville, who took her to her room to get her blanket.
Everyone in the waiting room at the airport fell completely in love with Reni, as she ran around from person to person and talked to them unabashedly for a few seconds in gabbled English before moving to the next person. Bam and Ville watched quietly, their hands joined surreptitiously next to them. When she tripped over her own feet and fell to the floor, Bam rushed over to her, apologized to the onlookers, who simply smiled and wondered where they’d seen him before, and took her back over to Ville.
“Okay, here, calm down a little baby. Do some coloring for me,” he said, setting her down in front of them with a coloring book and crayons. She had just finished coloring a bumblebee purple when their flight was announced and Bam scooped her up and carried her to the plane, while Ville fumbled around with the baby bag. As promised, Ville used his fame to secure Reni a look into the pilot’s cockpit, while the air hostesses fumbled around and tried to make sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed, although they were desperately confused as to where he’d gotten a two year old from. Their questions were answered when he handed the little girl over to Bam and sat down next to him, laughing as Reni told Bam all about the “dinosaur’s brains” and how there were really people in it, and not brains. After they were in the air, Reni looked out amazed as Helsinki shrunk below them; then the excitement of the day took its toll and she fell asleep in Bam’s arms.
About halfway through the flight, one of the flight attendants approached Ville timidly.
“Um… Mr. Valo?” Ville turned from watching Bam and Reni sleep clinging onto each other and smiled at her.
“It’s Ville, and how can I help you?”
“Well - I was … um… could you sign this?” She held out a CD. He raised an eyebrow, but smiled, and dug around in his backpack for a permanent marker.
“You carry that around?” Ville asked, a little bit shocked.
“Oh, of course.” She grinned. “It’s my favorite CD.” Ville signed his own stomach and drew a heart over the pink background, and smiled at her. “Thank you. Can I get you and your…”
“Friend,” Ville said, nodding. “Bam Margera.” Her eyes widened in disbelief, but she said nothing.
“Yes, can I get you something?”
“Well - you could get me some vodka… Bam?” He shook Bam awake.
“Huh? Wha? What’s going on?”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“Mmm… coke, please,” he said, and fell back asleep after smoothing Reni’s curls out of her face. Ville smiled.
“Well there you go. Vodka and a coke, please.” The girl nodded and scurried away down the aisle.
It was very cold in Oulu, but most of the time they were inside the venue of the skate competition, where it was very warm and very crowded. Ville, although Bam had secured him access to the VIP area, would take Reni and carry her around through the crowd, watching this and that skater, and then scurrying back to wherever Bam was skating. Whenever Bam was done with a routine, Ville - always standing at the front - would let Reni go and Bam would scoop her up in his arms and skate around with her for a little, to much ‘awwing’ from the lookers on. After every day, they would go and walk around the town, just the three of them; although Bam had met with many people there that he knew and was friends with, he had no desire to spend more time with them when he could be with Ville and Reni. Eventually the competition was over, and Bam - who had, of course, done well - was very ready to go back to Helsinki.
“It’s too damn cold up here,” he said to Ville, who just rolled his eyes. But the night before they were due to go back, Ville attacked Bam in bed with a blindfold and dragged him, protesting, into a car. Reni sat in a car seat in the back with Ville, both of them laughing as Bam yelled at the driver, thinking that it was Ville. Ville pitied the poor taxi driver, but said nothing. Indeed, Ville thought Bam was being quite stupid; he knew that Ville couldn’t drive. However, Bam soon shut up, and eventually they got to their destination. Ville thanked the driver, let Bam out of the front seat, and helped him into the house. Putting Reni back to sleep in a crib that he’d had set up for her, he took Bam to the living room of the house and then carefully undid his blindfold, smiling. Bam looked around himself in amazement.
“You’re kidding,” he said incredulously. Ville shook his head.
“It’s ours for a few days.”
“But… Ville… how… our flights…”
“I rearranged them - it’s good to be famous sometimes, you know.” He winked. “Anyways. I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?” Bam nodded, looking around again.
“They haven’t even changed the furniture!” Ville laughed. Bam sat down on the couch, pulling Ville down with him. “You never cease to amaze me,” he said, running his hands through Ville’s hair.
“Good… coincidently, Bam… do you remember…”
“This couch?” Ville nodded. Bam grinned.
“How could I forget?” Ville smiled. “You scared me half to death; I looked over and you were like, 2 centimeters away from my face.” Ville chuckled.
“Well. Your lips were driving me crazy… actually… they still are…” Bam rolled his eyes and told Ville he was soppy, but still pulled him close and kissed him very softly on the lips. Ville, still smiling, backed up a little bit and started to pull Bam’s shirt over his head. Bam raised an eyebrow, but caught the glint in Ville’s eyes; he knew that glint very, very well, and surrendered himself to it.
ANYWHO.
Who wants more story? I have to tell you... this will most likely be finished by the end of this week... Because I'm leaving for 3 weeks. So. Enjoy. There's still plenty more to go though, so no worries.
Here's two chapters, to make up for the long wait inbetween.
DK,DO,NH
Links
Archive 1-25
Archive 26-50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Ville soon learned that life with a two year old was not always fun and games. Although Bam had some how become an expert at figuring out just what to do and say in case of an unhappy and discontent Verena, Ville still hadn’t got the knack of it. He was forever fixing her the wrong kind of cereal or giving her the wrong juice, or letting her do the wrong thing at the wrong time. When she complained, or if Bam saw, he would come over to where Ville was inevitably about to get on his hands and knees and beg her to stop crying and quietly take the offending object out of his hands and tell him what she needed or wanted. It wasn’t menacing, Bam was simply trying to teach him what to do. But it was driving Ville crazy. He must have been mad to take them on. He’d never been good with children, and he wanted Bam to think that he was capable of taking care of her on his own, if he was planning to leave her with him for a while.
“How do you do it?” He asked incredulously once, after Bam had interpreted from Reni’s screams which toy she wanted instead of the one Ville had handed to her and had stopped her howling within 5 seconds. “I just don’t get it. How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“That! Make her stop crying like that.” Bam frowned.
“What do you mean?” Ville shrugged, flopping, defeated, down on to the couch. “Ville? You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired. And I don’t get it! How come you know exactly what she wants and exactly what to do… and why does she always cry whenever I give her something? Am I that incompetent?” Bam sighed and knelt down in front of Ville, grabbing his hands to make sure he was looking at him.
“You are not incompetent. You’re doing fine, okay? It’s not easy to make a two year old happy all the time. And she cries at me, too. I just know from experience what she tends to want when - I’m her father. But you’ll get it soon, too. If you really want to that is. You don’t really need to try and look after her at all; technically it’s my responsibility.” Ville shrugged and shook his head.
“I told you, I want to help you. And I meant it. I’m sorry… I’m just tired. And I need a fag.” Because Reni was living in the apartment, Ville couldn’t smoke in it anymore. Bam hadn’t asked him not to, but Ville had decided he wouldn’t. He didn’t need to make Reni sick.
“You would be so much healthier if you stopped smoking, Ville,” said Bam, ever the anti-cigarette campaigner.
“Ah, maybe so, but my voice would be all choir-boy like and my fingernails would definitely suffer - it’s the only relaxation I get. Well, besides alcohol; and I haven’t been properly drunk in months, amazingly.”
“I just don’t want you to die of lung cancer.”
“Darling…” Ville kissed Bam on the top of his head. “I have been dying since the day I was born.” He winked and Bam rolled his eyes. “Whether from lung cancer or because my liver fails me or because some rabid fan shoots me in the chest, I’m going to die someday. Hopefully, it won’t be because of any of those reasons and I will die happily in my sleep at a very ripe old age of… oh, no older than 60.”
“No older than 60?”
“No. Could you imagine being older than 60?”
“60’s not old!” Bam protested, pulling himself up and sitting next to Ville on the couch.
“No? Well, I suppose you’re right. 70 then.” Bam raised an eyebrow. “75? Bam, I don’t want to get old and wrinkly!”
“Why ever not?” Ville sighed, and then held out his heavily tattooed arm.
“Can you imagine what this is going to look like when I’m 70?” Bam blinked in disbelief, and then started laughing hysterically. Ville rolled his eyes and got up to go out on the balcony for his cigarette. Lighting it up, lifting it to his mouth and taking a drag from in it the same way he’d done for as many years as he could remember, he felt the familiar and comforting wash of nicotine in his system calm his jittery nerves. However, nicotine or not, he still jumped when, on his second cigarette, Bam wrapped his arms around his waist and nuzzled into his neck.
“You know, second hand smoking is just as dangerous,” Ville said to the skyline view without turning around to face Bam.
“Yeah, but I’m willing to risk it.” Ville smiled, tipped the ash off the end of the cigarette and took another drag.
“What’s up?” he asked, turning his head finally to try and look at Bam, who shrugged nonchalantly.
“Nothing… I wanted a hug.”
“Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?” Ville wrapped his arms around Bam and squeezed him for a second or two. “What’s Reni doing?”
“She’s watching Lion King.”
“Again?” It never ceased to amaze Ville that she could watch that movie so many times and still be entertained by it.
“She loves it.”
“Oh.” Then Ville realized why he was out side with him instead of watching Reni. “It’s not, by any chance, at the part where Mufasa dies, is it?” Bam sighed and nodded. “Oh.” Without saying anything, Ville pulled Bam closer again and kissed the top of his head.
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay.” Sounds of the stampede boomed out of the TV set and made their way out on to the balcony. Bam shivered and cuddled closer to Ville, who kissed him again and then took another drag on his cigarette.
“Bam?”
“Yeah?”
“You never really told me… how exactly Michelle died…”
“I didn’t?”
“No. I mean, I know it was a car… but… I don’t know how.”
“Really? Oh… I’m sorry.” Bam took a breath. “She was crossing the street to get to the grocery store from her car and some drunk guy rammed her into a tree in the median. Drunk at 12 in the afternoon - even you’re not that bad. Anyways. She was rushed to hospital, and they operated, but they couldn’t do anything. Her internal injuries were so bad it was a miracle she lasted long enough for me to get there to see her.” He shrugged, but Ville just pulled him closer and kissed him again.
“What’d you do … you know, when you got home?” Bam shrugged.
“Ryan tried to stay, but I told him not to… and I took Reni and sat in bed; she fell asleep and I just sat there in complete disbelief. I don’t remember crying or anything.” Bam shrugged. “It was so surreal… she was gone, really truly gone. I kept thinking I was dreaming, and I kept pinching myself and finding that I wasn’t; and I just thought how hopeless it was. I couldn’t do anything by myself… bring up a child? Me? No way!”
“But you have.”
“Yes. Well. So far so good, I guess.” Bam slid his hands into Ville’s pockets. “You know… when I finally realized what had happened, I just wanted to die myself. But… I remembered… you know, when you had all those cuts on your arms? And I made you promise not to hurt yourself anymore?” Ville nodded - how many times had he remembered that promise himself in the years past? “I couldn’t do it, not after making you promise not to. And of course, Reni… she always made me smile, no matter what. But it was hell. I was a wreck for a while… some how I pulled myself together eventually… but… it still hurts.”
“Obviously,” Ville said, shrugging. “It’s going to hurt. You loved her.”
“But not as much as I could have. I still feel guilty about that.”
“You said she said she didn’t care.”
“She didn’t. That’s why I feel guilty.” They locked eyes, and Ville understood. Holding Bam closer, he kissed his head again. “You know, I never stopped thinking about you, Ville. All those years - even when Michelle was dying in front of my eyes; sitting in my bedroom with Reni in my lap just home from the hospital… I was thinking about you.”
“Well, I never stopped thinking about you. You know… I just realized… I had seen Michelle before you showed me her picture a few weeks ago. On TV - I somehow caught a part of Jackass and she was there… only I thought she was with Dunn, not you; you were flinging yourself off of a diving board and she was leaning against the wall with Ryan…” Bam grinned.
“God, you have no idea how much that hurt.”
“What?”
“Jumping off the diving board like that.”
“Oh.” Ville chuckled. “It was hilarious though. Well, it would have been if I hadn’t been so pissed off that you were actually enjoying yourself.”
“You were pissed off?”
“Yeah… I spent most of those 7 years trying to hate you. Really, I did. Didn’t work though…” Ville sighed, lit another cigarette and took a deep drag. “I was addicted from the first time I saw you, really… couldn’t stop it.” He shrugged, and then laughed. “I can’t believe this is all real.”
“What?”
“This. We’re together again… not too much the worse for the wear… and we’ve both changed but this whole thing - our relationship, us - it hasn’t really changed at all. And I think I love you more than I did before, which was something I never thought was possible. And we’re both rich and famous… really, we have perfect lives.” Bam laughed and rolled his eyes; as if to prove a point, a smashing sound came from inside, and then a high-pitched wail.
“Well. I don’t think any thing is perfect,” Bam said, sighing and then rushing inside to check that his daughter was okay.
After Reni and Bam had been in Ville’s apartment for just a week, Ville had already managed to train himself to ignore Reni jumping on their bed at 7 30 in the morning and somehow kept sleeping even after Bam had got up. It was only when he could smell the proof that there was definitely coffee waiting for him downstairs - normally about 45 minutes after Bam got up - that he would even begin to think of moving. 8 was way too early to get up when he didn’t have anywhere to be, and he was - for all practical matters - free for a few months. He didn’t like waking up to an empty bed, but he didn’t want to wake up before 8 either. Fortunately, Bam made his coffee very strong, so after a few cups of coffee strong enough to stand a fork in and 2 cigarettes smoked in the chill of the morning he found himself just about ready to face the day ahead. On one such morning, he stood out on the balcony in his - or Bam’s - bathrobe (he couldn’t remember whose it was. It didn’t really matter) looking out on the dock. Bam was in the bathroom trying to give Reni a bath. From the sound of it, he wasn’t too successful. He only called her Verena when she wasn’t behaving - Ville smiled as he squealed: apparently, she’d splashed a great deal of water on to him. Shaking his head, he closed the window that served as the door to the balcony and relished the momentary silence. However, a gull soon interrupted that, swooping low over his head and squawking. He lit up a cigarette and took a drag, blowing the smoke in the direction of the sails on the harbor. He loved the view of the docks that his apartment afforded him; it gave him a feeling of calm, it was his place of reverie. Ville had often come up here over the past years - distraught and upset and sometimes ravenously mad, feeling betrayed, alone, or simply empty. But as soon as he looked out over the boats in the port, or, at night, the lights of the city from way up high, he could feel everything slipping away. How often he’d wished he could spread his wings and fly from it, far far away from all the problems in his life. How glad he was now that, one night in the middle of a celebration, a stranger had grabbed him and pulled him down from the railing, where he was standing balanced precariously, arms spread ready to embrace the tarmac down below him and the nothingness that would hopefully follow.
“Ville?” Bam stood in the doorway; he’d said his name several times until Ville finally noticed.
“Yeah?”
“You should take a shower, Vil’. We have to go soon.” Ville nodded, thanked Bam, and turned back to the view and his cigarette. How much their lives had changed, he mused, flicking the cigarette butt over the edge. It was a wonder they still knew each other. Bam had gone from a crazy, almost childlike menace to a caring, responsible and very busy father. And he himself had changed - in the few years that Bam had been part of his life he had been happy and carefree, and had regarded the world as his oyster. But now? Now he was a paranoid wreck, tired of life and pissed off with the world. Or he had been until Bam came back. But he was still worried - what if Bam realized that he wasn’t the same strong person he had been before, when he’d had to take care of Bam a lot of the time? Would it change things? What if Bam realized that he didn’t want to live the life of a rock star, but wanted something more settled and normal for him and his daughter? What if, when the media found out, they were torn to shreds? Could they handle the stress? Could they really live together and not grow tired of each other’s company? They’d never lived together before. What if it was the one different thing in their relationship that pulled it apart?
“Ville, are you okay?” Bam stepped out onto the balcony, frowning. Ville nodded, forcing himself to smile.
“Just thinking,” he said, brushing Bam’s hair out of his eyes.
“About what?” Ville shrugged, looking around and shivering a bit. “Tell me.” Bam put his hand up to Ville’s face and looked into his eyes. Ah, what sorrow Ville could see in those blue eyes. It was immature sorrow; the gaze of someone who’s seen loved ones die and lifestyles fade. But Ville also saw the unmistakable iron glint of strength. He’d pulled himself through and made do with what he had to, and he wasn’t really looking back, and he definitely wasn’t going to let anyone see how hurt he’d really been. Chewing on his lip, Ville let the wind blow his hair from his face, and then looked back down at Bam.
“You know… you’re so different… you’re all grown up; I don’t quite know what happened to the reckless, careless boy I fell in love with.” Bam raised an eyebrow.
“Ville, I’m not that different.” Ville smiled.
“Oh. But you are. Of course, the old Bam is still in there. I know there’s still a part of you that’s dying to jump off of this balcony into a pool of whipped cream, or something similarly stupid - but … you’re so strong and grown up… you make me feel quite like a silly teenager again.” Ville shrugged, rubbing his arms. Bam was still watching him closely.
“You’re not a silly teenager; you don’t act like it either. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bam… we’ve changed so much, both of us… how can …” he took a deep breath; “How can we be sure that, you know, we’re not just telling ourselves we’re still in love because we want it to be so?”
“Ah, so that’s what you’re worried about? That I might not really love you?”
“I don’t see how you can… I’m so - different. I feel like my life’s going to slip through my fingers any second; how can you love someone like that?” Bam smiled, knowingly.
“How? You’re asking me how I can love someone so beautiful, so kind and funny and sweet and smart? Someone who knows what I’m thinking before I even think it, who knows exactly what I’m going to do before I even move a muscle? I don’t know, Ville,” Bam finished sarcastically. “How could I love the only person who’s ever really understood me?” Ville sighed. Bam took hold of his arms. “Listen to me. I’ve fucked this relationship up one too many times to let you do it now by doubting yourself. I promise, I would not be here if I didn’t love you with my whole and entire heart. And… I think - I think the same thing goes for you too.” Ville nodded slowly. Bam smiled and stroked Ville’s face. “Great. So can you stop doubting whether or not this is going to work and just trust that it will?” Ville nodded.
“I think so - I do love you Bam.”
“I love you too - remember, when we had that whole discussion about fate and coincidence? And how I hated both of them?” Ville thought back hard, and finally remembered the slightly drunken conversation.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because… I decided… I quite like fate now. You know why?”
“No. Why?”
“Cuz - I think that you and I were destined for each other.” Bam smiled at him. Ville laughed.
“What, like it was written in the stars or something?”
“Yeah, exactly - tonight we’ll look out and I bet you 10 bucks we’ll see “Ville and Bam are meant to be” written up there in big block letters.” Bam winked at him and wrapped his arms around him. “Don’t worry, Ville. Nothing bad is going to happen. Well - okay. Bad things might happen, but I promise: I’m not leaving you ever again.” Ville sighed.
“Bam. That’s what you said last time.”
“I was a kid last time, thank you very much! I am a 26 year old responsible father and multi-millionaire this time.” He winked at Ville. “I think you can trust me.”
“You do, do you?” Ville raised an eyebrow, wrapping an arm around Bam’s waist and guiding him inside.
“Yes, I do. And know what else I think?”
“No, what?”
“That you should get in the shower. You smell.” Bam winked at him and kissed his cheek.
“You’re horrible! Maybe I don’t want to go out with you, after all.” Bam pouted.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “How can I make it up to you?” Ville pondered this for a little, and then came up with his answer.
“Stick Reni in her crib - and get in the shower,” he ordered, smiling. Bam frowned.
“Huh?”
“Get in the shower,” Ville repeated.
“Why - ohhh.” Ville winked at him, and he grinned, plopped Reni in her crib, and disappeared into the shower with Ville following close behind him.
\
Chapter 53
They were only a little bit late for their appointment after their shower, and rushed into the office, Bam pushing Reni in her carriage and Ville following after him, a bag of toys and other essentials flung over his shoulder.
“It’s about time, Ville,” said Seppo, looking up at him and frowning.
“Yeah, sorry about that - we got uh, caught up. Seppo, Bam; Bam, Seppo. And this is Silke. Everyone else, I think you know.” Linde, Mige, Burton, Gas, Jussi, Marie, and Anna smiled at them. Bam said hi, shook the hands of the people he didn’t know, and then bent over and released Reni from her baby carriage. She ran straight over to Anna and pulled herself up in Anna’s lap; Anna talked to her quietly, but then Bam handed her a coloring book and she entertained herself scribbling anywhere but inside the lines.
“So, Ville, what exactly did you call the meeting for?” Seppo asked, opening his folder ready to take notes. Ville looked over at Bam, who nodded and smiled.
“Well. First off to tell you - Seppo and Silke - about Bam.”
“Indeed?” Seppo’s properness didn’t scare Ville; he was used to it.
“Yeah. As you may know, Bam is a professional skateboarder, he’s sponsored by some of the best brands in the business; his brother is the drummer in CKY, an American band, and he helped to plan, film, and is in Jackass, the series on MTV.” A look of recognition dawned on Silke’s face.
“That’s where I know you from,” she said to Bam. Bam grinned. “I was wondering whether or not your face had recovered - you were the one that fell down the stairs and skinned his face, right?” Bam grimaced.
“Yeah. That would be me.”
“Shit,” said Ville. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. Hurt like a bitch.” Anna chuckled - she’d seen it happen. “Shut up Anna - you didn’t exactly warn me about them, either.”
“Well, you were the one that wanted to tape your feet to the skateboard.” Ville chuckled and rolled his eyes.
“Anna and Bam, you see, spent a lot of time together in West Chester, where Anna moved to live with Bam’s brother before she married Burton.” Seppo nodded; Silke smiled.
“But… I don’t understand. What else is there to tell me about Bam?” Seppo asked, an eyebrow raised.
“Um… well, we’re a couple, see?” Silke stared at them, but Seppo just nodded.
“I see.”
“And… well we - and the band - thought we should tell you, and especially you, Silke, before there are rumors and things.”
“And this - is Bam’s daughter?” Seppo asked, motioning towards Reni. Bam nodded. “And… you have permanent custody of her?”
“Her mother died,” Bam said shortly.
“Oh dear. I’m sorry,” Seppo said; Silke put her hand on Bam’s arm. Bam just smiled and shrugged.
“But surely, Ville, that’s not why we all had to be here. We’ve known about you and Bam for 11 years,” Linde said, smiling.
“Well. The other thing - we want your opinion before we give the final word. It was Bam’s idea, let him explain.” Ville sat back and listened to Bam outlining his plan, of how to ‘pimp’, as he called it, their band in the states, and also his plans for some music videos and things. He even brought some of the movies he’d shot before to show to Seppo, so that he didn’t think he was just screwing around with it and show him that he knew what he was doing. At the end, Seppo and Silke were nodding slowly at Bam, and his friends had all fallen out of their chairs with laughter; one of the videos he’d shown had been one that he’d made while they were all still in high school, as a joke. It was the last one he’d shown, and he’d just stopped it on a frame that showed all of them gathered together as a group doing various silly and typical things.
“So… what do you think? Only, I have to go give my manufacturers the go ahead - they’ve got designs and everything ready. With the heartagram, I mean.”
“What kind of things are you making?”
“Oh - hoodies, shirts, pants, shoes, hats, necklaces, bracelets… I mean, there’s all that stuff already out there with my name on it, sadly enough, but we’re doing a new batch.”
“What do you guys think?” Ville asked the band, who were pulling themselves back onto their chairs slowly. Reni seemed to be the only one in the room completely unfazed by Bam’s presentation; she was still coloring contentedly, although Anna wondered very much why she kept making crashing noises as each crayon touched the paper. But it was true - Seppo was impressed, Silke excited, the rest of the band and Jussi and Marie remembered again why they all loved Bam so much, and Ville was proud to bursting. Reni simply kept coloring, the calm in a storm of reaction. Burton answered Ville’s question for everyone:
“Since when has anyone ever been able to stop Bam doing what he wants to?” He grinned at Bam, who grinned back, shrugging. So it was settled; it was also settled that they wouldn’t release the new record for a few months, as Ville had predicted, and he and Bam left the office of Heartagram Inc. in considerably good spirits, and decided to drop in on Jesse. They stayed there until Reni had fallen asleep, laughing together and catching up with each other. When Reni was asleep, Bam tugged on Ville’s sleeve to tell him it was time to go, and they took their leave, placing Reni in her stroller and beginning the walk home in the cool evening air. It wasn’t late - about 7 - but it was already very dark.
“Look, Ville - you can never see that many stars in Philly.” Bam tilted his head back and gazed up, still walking. Ville had to stop him from running into a telephone box. Once they had safely stopped, Ville joined Bam in looking skywards.
“So - where’s this message proclaiming we’re meant to be,” he asked, a smirk on his face. Bam didn’t falter for a second.
“There - look.” He took Ville’s hand and simply spelt the words in the air, not really bothering about the stars. When he was done, Ville was just gazing at him, bursting with love. Bam rolled his eyes and kept on walking.
“Where are you going? That’s the wrong way to our house, Bam.”
“I know. Let’s go for a walk.”
“It’s cold. Reni’ll get sick.”
“Reni will be fine. She’s made of tough stuff; anyways, she’s wrapped in about a billion blankets. Come on.” He grabbed Ville’s hand and pulled him away from their apartment. They walked quietly, their fingers entwined, Bam pushing the stroller with his other hand.
“Shall I push it?” Ville asked after a little while of aimless wandering. Bam shrugged, letting Ville take control of it. He felt a bit empty, walking around without having to push anything, even though Reni was still in the stroller in front of him. Ville disentangled his fingers from Bam’s, wrapping an arm around his waist instead. They ended up sitting on a park bench, arms wrapped around each other, talking quietly about this and that. Within a few minutes, Bam had Ville gasping for breath between fits of laughter, and he didn’t even know what was so funny. He kept on with his story, rolling his eyes at Ville, now laughing so loudly they were actually getting glares from the few passers-by.
“Ville, what is so funny?” Ville just shrugged, grasping his sides.
“I can’t breathe!” he gasped, squeezing Bam’s hand. Bam nestled into his shoulder and took a deep breath of Ville’s familiar smell: stale cigarette smoke mixed with the same cologne he’d worn since Bam first met him with a splash of Jack Daniels and Jägermeister, all rolled into one.
“Bam, what are you doing?”
“Smelling,” Bam said, taking another deep breath of the comforting scent.
“What on earth for?” Bam shrugged.
“Just because. I like how you smell.”
“Not too much like cigarettes then?” Ville asked, an eyebrow raised, remembering one of their many discussions on the deductive qualities of cigarettes.
“Shut up,” Bam said, rolling his eyes. He leant forwards to check on Reni; satisfied she was okay, he returned to Ville’s warm embrace and showered his face with kisses. They had only just begun to make out like teenagers again when Reni started to make muffled sounds of protest in her stroller. Sighing, Bam broke off from Ville’s swollen lips and, apologizing, suggested that they should probably make their way back to the apartment. Ville nodded, slipped his hand into the pocket of Bam’s pants, and pushed the carriage ahead of him, letting Bam walk awkwardly with both arms wrapped tight around his waist.
After a few days, their quiet routine was broken by a competition of Bam’s, taking place in Oulu. It wasn’t that far away, but it was the first time Bam was taking Reni to a competition that lasted more than a day. His initial idea was to go alone with Reni, but Ville pronounced the idea preposterous, and insisted on coming along with them.
“Well, of course you can, but I don’t see why you’d want to… it’ll be extremely dull. I have to help commentate as well as skate…”
“Exactly. You’ll need someone to take care of Reni. Come on, you know you want me to come.” Ville winked at him.
“Of course I want you with me, but I thought you might have work to do.”
“Nah - not really. Could write some songs. Should write some songs, actually. But I’d much rather be with you.”
“… I don’t want to seem like I’m shoving her off on you,” Bam said cautiously, watching Reni send a big play-dough ball at a play-dough person to knock him over. Ville rolled his eyes.
“We’ll be fine. It’ll give me a chance to get used to looking after her.”
“What for?”
“For when you leave for America, dumbass.” Ville rolled his eyes.
“Oh. Right. Good point. But…”
“Stop right there. Your parents have to come with you right away, and you don’t really want to trouble Anna or Marie with her - I mean… unless you don’t want me looking after her…” Ville, noticing what Reni was doing before Bam did, rushed over to the table before she could smoosh play-dough into the carpet.
“Here… how about you do that on here, k Reni?” Reni nodded, trying the experiment again on the table.
“I would like very much if you wanted to take care of her… I didn’t know you did.”
“Of course I do. Dunno how good I’ll be at it, but … we’ll be fine. And that’s why its good to have the practice up in Oulu.” Ville nodded resolutely. Bam relented, and booked Ville a plane ticket along with him and Reni.
Three days later found them scurrying around at 5 in the morning trying to pack. Reni was still asleep, but Bam was nowhere near ready and Ville had completely forgotten that they were going for longer than just a day, so he had to repack too. He was diving into one of his drawers in search of warm socks - it was cold up in Oulu - when Bam decided to spank his upraised ass, causing him to hit his head hard on the drawer.
“Shit! Bam! Fuckhead!” He stood up quickly, rubbing the back of his head.
“Shit… sorry baby, I didn’t mean to…” The death glare Ville was giving him shut him up, and he went back to stuffing all his warm clothes in a suitcase along with the clothes he needed for the skate competition. Then he went to his closet and grabbed 3 skateboards, put 2 in his giant suitcase, and tried to stuff one into Ville’s - who protested that he needed the room, so Bam decided he’d have to carry it on. Finally, he looked around for a coat. It wasn’t winter yet so he didn’t need his Eskimo jacket - or what looked like one, anyways - but he definitely needed a coat. Finally, he remembered a box that he’d never unpacked and had completely forgotten about.
“Shit. Ville - do you know where that box is? The one covered in duct tape?”
“No, why?”
“I need it.”
“Why? Bam we have to go soon! Have you got all of Reni’s stuff packed?”
“Yes, yes, her clothes are in my suitcase and I’ve got all the diapers and shit in that bag there. But I need that box!”
“Look in the closet in the landing,” Ville said, waving him away, and looking dubiously in the hurricane site that was Bam’s suitcase to make sure he had enough clothes for Reni; there was no point in checking really, because he had more than enough clothes for her.
“Aha!” Bam’s victorious cry came from the hallway and he rushed inside the room with a big box covered in duct tape.
“What is that, Bam?”
“Look,” he said, opening the lid. Ville stared. Inside was everything that he had ever given Bam until 8 years before, all the pictures that had ever been taken of them; tapes and CD’s, magazines, random trinkets, letters, mugs, even old candy wrappers. Bam was throwing them all on the bed, digging to the bottom of the box. Ville picked things up and stared at them in amazement; he even saved the heartagram rosary from falling between the set of drawers and the wall as Bam chucked it out.
“Bam! Quit throwing things!”
“HA! I knew I never threw it away!” Bam pulled out the long black coat Ville had given him on their first Christmas together and shook it out. It had been folded for so long there were still fold marks on it even when he shook it, but he didn’t care. He traced some of the designs with a nostalgic finger before pulling the coat on.
“It still fits you, Bam…”
“Course it does. I never grew more than like 2 inches…” he rolled his eyes. Grinning, he shrugged his shoulders so that the jacket fit straight. “I knew I was missing something,” he said, taking the heartagram pendant from Ville’s hand. Once he had it on, Ville smiled happily. Bam looked at himself in the mirror and laughed aloud.
“I look like your heartagram whore.”
“Oh, but you are - my little heartagram whore.” Ville winked and cuddled him close. “I can’t believe you kept all this stuff.”
“What was I supposed to do, throw it away? No - I had to duct tape it up to keep myself from looking at it though - but you can see that that didn’t really work…” Ville looked amusedly at the duct tape on the edges of the box which had long ago been hastily torn in what seemed to have been a desperate attempt to get into it. He chuckled.
“Come on, heartagram whore, go get your daughter and let’s go.” Bam rolled his eyes, made Ville sit on his suitcase so that he could zip it shut, and then went to grab Reni from her crib. However, it was apparently too early, and she woke up crying very loudly.
“Shh, it’s okay, Reni. We’re going on an airplane today, you ready?” She shook her head resolutely and curled back up, trying to tell him that she was going to sleep.
“No such luck, darling. We’re already late. Come on, up you get.” He took her out and she started screaming and pounding his shoulder.
“Reni! Shush! Ugh. Ville! A little help!?” He couldn’t get her her breakfast and try to contain the hissy fit. Ville rolled his eyes but went to help, fixed up her breakfast quickly and set it in front of her and Bam, now sitting at the kitchen table. She was still crying. Bam sighed exasperatedly; she refused to eat too.
“Verena. You have to eat. Open your mouth.” He hadn’t had to hand feed her in ages, and they were late, and he really didn’t want to be doing this. “Verena! Now!” Reni sat back and stared at him. He almost never raised his voice to her. She pouted, but still refused. “You have to eat. Come on. Let’s go.”
“No,” she said, and tried to climb down from his lap.
“Verena!” he grabbed her and looked her straight in the eye. “You have got to eat. Now. Let’s go, come on. In your mouth. And then we can go on an airplane, okay?”
“I wanna go airplane now!” Bam sighed. Ville, who had been resolutely ignoring the whole thing and drinking his coffee, finally turned around and, whispering “let me try,” to Bam, took her out of his hands and sat down across the table.
“You wanna go on an airplane, Reni?” She nodded. “Well, they don’t let little girls on airplanes if they haven’t had any breakfast.”
“No. Don’t wanna!”
“You don’t want to eat?” Ville sighed and shrugged at her. “Well, then I guess you can’t go on the airplane, and your Daddy’ll have to go all by himself.” She frowned. “You ever been on an airplane before, Reni?” She shook her head. Bam smiled - she had, of course, but she didn’t remember. “You know what they’re like?”
“No…”
“They’re like… big flying dinosaurs, made out of metal.” Ville spooned the cereal into her wide mouth. She chewed and swallowed.
“Really?”
“Really. And they make a lot of noise, just like you.” He smiled. Bam was watching in awe as he kept spooning cereal into her mouth. “Oops, eat up.” Ville caught a dribble of milk with his finger and smiled at her. “And if you’re a good girl and eat all your breakfast, maybe the dinosaur will let you in and show you how it works - and then it’ll take you way up in the sky.”
“In the sky?”
“Yeah. We’re going to fly - like birds.” She swallowed again.
“Birds?”
“Uh-huh. But airplanes don’t flap their wings like birds.” She swallowed the last of her cereal in complete awe of Ville’s words. Bam shook his head in amazement, smiled adoringly at Ville, and took her bowl to the sink to wash it out. Ville was whispering something in her ear now, hugging her to his chest. She nodded and climbed out of his lap, running to where Bam stood washing the dishes. She tugged on his pants until he bent down and picked her up.
“What’s up, princess?”
“I’s sowwy for not being good,” she said, throwing her arms around his neck. Bam smiled and held her close, kissing her curly head. “We still go on airplane?”
“Of course.” She grinned and kissed his cheek, and then scrambled around to show she wanted out of his arms. He let her go and watched her run clumsily to Ville, who took her to her room to get her blanket.
Everyone in the waiting room at the airport fell completely in love with Reni, as she ran around from person to person and talked to them unabashedly for a few seconds in gabbled English before moving to the next person. Bam and Ville watched quietly, their hands joined surreptitiously next to them. When she tripped over her own feet and fell to the floor, Bam rushed over to her, apologized to the onlookers, who simply smiled and wondered where they’d seen him before, and took her back over to Ville.
“Okay, here, calm down a little baby. Do some coloring for me,” he said, setting her down in front of them with a coloring book and crayons. She had just finished coloring a bumblebee purple when their flight was announced and Bam scooped her up and carried her to the plane, while Ville fumbled around with the baby bag. As promised, Ville used his fame to secure Reni a look into the pilot’s cockpit, while the air hostesses fumbled around and tried to make sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed, although they were desperately confused as to where he’d gotten a two year old from. Their questions were answered when he handed the little girl over to Bam and sat down next to him, laughing as Reni told Bam all about the “dinosaur’s brains” and how there were really people in it, and not brains. After they were in the air, Reni looked out amazed as Helsinki shrunk below them; then the excitement of the day took its toll and she fell asleep in Bam’s arms.
About halfway through the flight, one of the flight attendants approached Ville timidly.
“Um… Mr. Valo?” Ville turned from watching Bam and Reni sleep clinging onto each other and smiled at her.
“It’s Ville, and how can I help you?”
“Well - I was … um… could you sign this?” She held out a CD. He raised an eyebrow, but smiled, and dug around in his backpack for a permanent marker.
“You carry that around?” Ville asked, a little bit shocked.
“Oh, of course.” She grinned. “It’s my favorite CD.” Ville signed his own stomach and drew a heart over the pink background, and smiled at her. “Thank you. Can I get you and your…”
“Friend,” Ville said, nodding. “Bam Margera.” Her eyes widened in disbelief, but she said nothing.
“Yes, can I get you something?”
“Well - you could get me some vodka… Bam?” He shook Bam awake.
“Huh? Wha? What’s going on?”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“Mmm… coke, please,” he said, and fell back asleep after smoothing Reni’s curls out of her face. Ville smiled.
“Well there you go. Vodka and a coke, please.” The girl nodded and scurried away down the aisle.
It was very cold in Oulu, but most of the time they were inside the venue of the skate competition, where it was very warm and very crowded. Ville, although Bam had secured him access to the VIP area, would take Reni and carry her around through the crowd, watching this and that skater, and then scurrying back to wherever Bam was skating. Whenever Bam was done with a routine, Ville - always standing at the front - would let Reni go and Bam would scoop her up in his arms and skate around with her for a little, to much ‘awwing’ from the lookers on. After every day, they would go and walk around the town, just the three of them; although Bam had met with many people there that he knew and was friends with, he had no desire to spend more time with them when he could be with Ville and Reni. Eventually the competition was over, and Bam - who had, of course, done well - was very ready to go back to Helsinki.
“It’s too damn cold up here,” he said to Ville, who just rolled his eyes. But the night before they were due to go back, Ville attacked Bam in bed with a blindfold and dragged him, protesting, into a car. Reni sat in a car seat in the back with Ville, both of them laughing as Bam yelled at the driver, thinking that it was Ville. Ville pitied the poor taxi driver, but said nothing. Indeed, Ville thought Bam was being quite stupid; he knew that Ville couldn’t drive. However, Bam soon shut up, and eventually they got to their destination. Ville thanked the driver, let Bam out of the front seat, and helped him into the house. Putting Reni back to sleep in a crib that he’d had set up for her, he took Bam to the living room of the house and then carefully undid his blindfold, smiling. Bam looked around himself in amazement.
“You’re kidding,” he said incredulously. Ville shook his head.
“It’s ours for a few days.”
“But… Ville… how… our flights…”
“I rearranged them - it’s good to be famous sometimes, you know.” He winked. “Anyways. I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?” Bam nodded, looking around again.
“They haven’t even changed the furniture!” Ville laughed. Bam sat down on the couch, pulling Ville down with him. “You never cease to amaze me,” he said, running his hands through Ville’s hair.
“Good… coincidently, Bam… do you remember…”
“This couch?” Ville nodded. Bam grinned.
“How could I forget?” Ville smiled. “You scared me half to death; I looked over and you were like, 2 centimeters away from my face.” Ville chuckled.
“Well. Your lips were driving me crazy… actually… they still are…” Bam rolled his eyes and told Ville he was soppy, but still pulled him close and kissed him very softly on the lips. Ville, still smiling, backed up a little bit and started to pull Bam’s shirt over his head. Bam raised an eyebrow, but caught the glint in Ville’s eyes; he knew that glint very, very well, and surrendered himself to it.