Like So Much Glass
Like So Much Glass
By VillesPrincess
Rating: PG 13 for hints of alcohol abuse and language
Pairing: VAM
Summary: Bam has been battling the loss of his best friend, Dunn. Ville comes to help him heal.
Word count: 848
Disclaimer: I do not own Ville, Bam, or Ryan Dunn. These are not things that actually too place although they are based on a real event. Do not sue me! lol
A/N: I have been feeling a little lost myself lately and got the urge to write. I wasn't sure what would come out, but this is the product of pain and brainspillage. It is a LITTLE angsty and IS about Bam dealing with the loss of Dunn. If the subject is still too sensitive, please don't read it. Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy it at least a little.
When I fell apart, where were you?
When my life came crashing down around me, what were you doing?
When I screamed, when I cried in desperation, when I wished everything would just be over, why weren’t you here to help me up?
I have tried pulling myself back into a whole person. Picking up the pieces along the way, trying to fit them back into place. It’s hard because I don’t feel like I HAVE all the pieces. Like when I broke, I shattered like so much glass. The shards shooting off in all directions in a fantastic explosion. Funny how this bottle of glass can make me feel still as if only little bits of tape are holding me together. And yet… And yet when I consume its contents, I can drown. I can float off in a warm haze and almost forget that you are gone. I can forget how completely destroyed I became when I got that call.
Another shot, or six, and I drifted off into darkness. I woke with my head pounding and my body aching. I am nauseous and sweaty. It should make me hate myself for how smashed I manage to get every night since you left. It should make me sick of the booze, but I sigh in relief. It takes the pain away from my mind and brings it out to the surface. It is just another way that the contents of that bottle make me forget about you. Even for a moment.
Then I hear that voice. The voice that can soothe my pain like nothing else. A damp, cool, washcloth gently pats my forehead as the voice sings something deep, soft and foreign. It washes away more pain than the alcohol could ever pretend to, and makes me feel lighter than I have felt in months. I realize I am in my bed as my consciousness slowly reaches closer to the surface. I feel the cloth removed from my face and a second later I hear water quietly sloshing in a bowl somewhere near my head. I open my eyes to look in the direction of the calming sounds but all I can see are shadows. He’s drawn the curtains in my room and kept all of the lights out for me. His silhouette makes my heart ache and I reach out to him as my eyes adjust to the darkness. My head pounds in protest at the thought of moving, but I have to feel him. Know he is real.
His face turns to me when he feels my fingers brush his forearm. He smiles at me, but I can see the sorrow in that smile. Even if it is dark. I know his face so well, known him too long, to miss any emotion that plays on his face. He lost him too.
“Ville, It hurts.” My chin trembling and tears sliding down my face as all sorts of emotions hit me at once. Greif and relief being the strongest of the bunch. “I miss him so much Vil. Why did he have to die? Why couldn’t I have been there with him? Why was he driving so fucking fast?”
Ville bent down and kissed my tear-stained cheek, carefully pulling me into his embrace. “I know Bammie. I know. We all hurt. We all miss him. But it is not fair to anyone for you to wish you were in that car with him Bam. Then we would have lost you too.” He paused briefly and took a ragged breath. “I would have lost you Bam. It is bad enough that we lost Dunn. But I don’t think I could have taken it if you had died too.”
“I’m sorry Ville I just…. I can’t….. “
“Shh. I know.”
“Thank you for being here Ville.”
“I only wish I could have gotten here sooner. You know I am always here for you. I love you.”
“I missed you so much!! What am I gonna do?”
Ville climbed into the bed next to me, slipping easily into place against my side and holding me close. “You are gonna heal now Bam. You are going to stop drowing your problems in booze. You are going to stop pushing away your family and your friends and you are going to face how you feel. It is going to hurt. But I believe in you Bammie. You are so strong. You just slipped for a while. “
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, nodding. He was right. I needed to climb out of this hole of depression I had dug myself and face the world again. Dunn would have hated what I have been these last few months. I realized that I couldn’t disappoint him anymore. I still didn’t think I could do it alone, but I was so glad that Ville finally came. He may think that I am strong, but I am stronger when he is around. I knew that with him here again, I could do it.
“I love you too Ville.”
By VillesPrincess
Rating: PG 13 for hints of alcohol abuse and language
Pairing: VAM
Summary: Bam has been battling the loss of his best friend, Dunn. Ville comes to help him heal.
Word count: 848
Disclaimer: I do not own Ville, Bam, or Ryan Dunn. These are not things that actually too place although they are based on a real event. Do not sue me! lol
A/N: I have been feeling a little lost myself lately and got the urge to write. I wasn't sure what would come out, but this is the product of pain and brainspillage. It is a LITTLE angsty and IS about Bam dealing with the loss of Dunn. If the subject is still too sensitive, please don't read it. Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy it at least a little.
When I fell apart, where were you?
When my life came crashing down around me, what were you doing?
When I screamed, when I cried in desperation, when I wished everything would just be over, why weren’t you here to help me up?
I have tried pulling myself back into a whole person. Picking up the pieces along the way, trying to fit them back into place. It’s hard because I don’t feel like I HAVE all the pieces. Like when I broke, I shattered like so much glass. The shards shooting off in all directions in a fantastic explosion. Funny how this bottle of glass can make me feel still as if only little bits of tape are holding me together. And yet… And yet when I consume its contents, I can drown. I can float off in a warm haze and almost forget that you are gone. I can forget how completely destroyed I became when I got that call.
Another shot, or six, and I drifted off into darkness. I woke with my head pounding and my body aching. I am nauseous and sweaty. It should make me hate myself for how smashed I manage to get every night since you left. It should make me sick of the booze, but I sigh in relief. It takes the pain away from my mind and brings it out to the surface. It is just another way that the contents of that bottle make me forget about you. Even for a moment.
Then I hear that voice. The voice that can soothe my pain like nothing else. A damp, cool, washcloth gently pats my forehead as the voice sings something deep, soft and foreign. It washes away more pain than the alcohol could ever pretend to, and makes me feel lighter than I have felt in months. I realize I am in my bed as my consciousness slowly reaches closer to the surface. I feel the cloth removed from my face and a second later I hear water quietly sloshing in a bowl somewhere near my head. I open my eyes to look in the direction of the calming sounds but all I can see are shadows. He’s drawn the curtains in my room and kept all of the lights out for me. His silhouette makes my heart ache and I reach out to him as my eyes adjust to the darkness. My head pounds in protest at the thought of moving, but I have to feel him. Know he is real.
His face turns to me when he feels my fingers brush his forearm. He smiles at me, but I can see the sorrow in that smile. Even if it is dark. I know his face so well, known him too long, to miss any emotion that plays on his face. He lost him too.
“Ville, It hurts.” My chin trembling and tears sliding down my face as all sorts of emotions hit me at once. Greif and relief being the strongest of the bunch. “I miss him so much Vil. Why did he have to die? Why couldn’t I have been there with him? Why was he driving so fucking fast?”
Ville bent down and kissed my tear-stained cheek, carefully pulling me into his embrace. “I know Bammie. I know. We all hurt. We all miss him. But it is not fair to anyone for you to wish you were in that car with him Bam. Then we would have lost you too.” He paused briefly and took a ragged breath. “I would have lost you Bam. It is bad enough that we lost Dunn. But I don’t think I could have taken it if you had died too.”
“I’m sorry Ville I just…. I can’t….. “
“Shh. I know.”
“Thank you for being here Ville.”
“I only wish I could have gotten here sooner. You know I am always here for you. I love you.”
“I missed you so much!! What am I gonna do?”
Ville climbed into the bed next to me, slipping easily into place against my side and holding me close. “You are gonna heal now Bam. You are going to stop drowing your problems in booze. You are going to stop pushing away your family and your friends and you are going to face how you feel. It is going to hurt. But I believe in you Bammie. You are so strong. You just slipped for a while. “
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, nodding. He was right. I needed to climb out of this hole of depression I had dug myself and face the world again. Dunn would have hated what I have been these last few months. I realized that I couldn’t disappoint him anymore. I still didn’t think I could do it alone, but I was so glad that Ville finally came. He may think that I am strong, but I am stronger when he is around. I knew that with him here again, I could do it.
“I love you too Ville.”