Foreign Exchange Student
A.N. - I should give you a warning. I was listening to the music at the end credits of the Crow (really sad stuff, but I can’t remember what the song’s called) and used it as a bit of inspiration for part of this Chapter. Prepare to hate me about as much as you did at the sad ending of Dark Secret Love, if not more. (But it’s not the end! Fear not!)
Well, we’re nearly at the end of my story. After all, it is called the Foreign exchange student, right? Or maybe you’d like me to tell you what happened after that? I could tell you about my life at the moment and how strange it is. Well, first things first.
I awoke to a groaning noise beside me.
Ville.
Slowly I opened my eyes and turned to Ville’s side of the bed. He shifted and rolled over, still in the process of waking up. I smiled and reached out only to find my fingers touching a strand of reddish-blonde hair.
“Ryan!”
“What the fuck?”
He sort of jumped away (though how you can do that from a lying position I’ll never know) and fell off the bed. I sat up, realising that I was still butt-naked and I had just woken up in a bed with my best friend. I leant over the side of my bed to stare at him.
“Bam!” he said, looking up at me wide-eyed, “What the Hell happened last night?”
I stared at him for a few seconds before the memories and the headache that always accompanies drunken recollections came flooding back.
“Oh my God, dude, Ryan, you did it with Ville! And then we… Oh my God, he gave you a… a…on top of…”
“Bam, don’t say it.”
“And then I… you gave me… while Ville…”
“Bam!”
“…and where the fuck is he?”
Ryan and I stared around, but no Ville could be seen. I glanced at the clock. 11:04 a.m.
“Shit, Ryan, his flight leaves at quarter to twelve!”
“Well then we’d better get dressed!”
Without really thinking about what I was doing, I grabbed some random clothes and got ready as quickly as I could. Pain meant nothing to me then, from the headache, to the stabbing pain in my leg, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care that I had slept with my best friend. I didn’t care that there was a good chance that my parents were in the house. I didn’t care that there was a slight possibility that April had seen Ville, Ryan and I sleeping in the bed together. All I cared about was the fact that Ville was going away, and I had to see him. Why? Because I just had to!
I fell down the stairs (well, it was the fastest way to get down and do you really expect me to be careful and use my crutch like a good boy?) before grabbing the crutch I’d dropped at the bottom the night before and used it to propel myself into the kitchen, where April was making breakfast for all the resident “hung-overs” as I called them.
“I don’t even want to know what happened last night, boys.” She said, as Ryan and I entered the kitchen.
Ryan blushed, but I yelled, “Ape, where’s Ville?!”
“Oh, your dad’s taking him to the airport, I think they’re putting Ville’s stuff in the car just now. They’re a little late.”
Without another word I “ran” (okay, every time I say I ran, just remember that I was using a crutch) out the front door, just in time to see Phil’s car pull away from the house.
“Shit!” I yelled as Ryan emerged from the house, carrying his and my skateboard.
“Come on,” he said, “this is the fastest set of wheels we can use right now.”
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
“Do you wanna see him again or what?”
I answered his question by grabbing my board and jumping on.
You’d be amazed just how fast you can go on a skateboard, pushing strangely and using a crutch. I actually found myself overtaking Ryan. Sure, it hurt like Hell, but do you see me caring? No, any pain was worth a few more seconds with Ville.
I knew a shortcut to the airport (it’s not that far from my house), past the skate park (the same street where Ville and I had the shit kicked out of us) and down a really narrow but straight and flat lane. It hurt like fuck when I ollied from the end of the lane into the next street, but I was too absorbed in what I was doing to care.
We reached the airport car park just in time to see Phil and Ville get out of the car, carrying suitcases. I raced after them as fast as I could and lost them when they got inside the building, but I had to keep going. I knew roughly where they would be going, so I raced towards there. Unfortunately for me, you’re not really supposed to go that way unless you’re actually getting a flight and have passed through the security checks. Next thing I knew, Ryan and I were being chased by a couple of security guards.
“Hey, you!”
“Shit, Ryan, come on! They’re fucking after us!”
“You go on, Bam, I’ll hold them back!” he yelled.
I looked back to see Ryan suddenly stopping on his board.
“Go on!” he yelled, before turning and skating straight at the security guards. I don’t know if they got out of the way on time, but I don’t think they did, because I managed to lose them by skating round the corner, getting off my board and running into a crowd of people.
I scanned the crowd, my heart still racing from the chase, searching for any signs of Ville. I began to panic as I searched. How could I find anyone in such a large crowd? I moved more quickly, pushing past people and generally getting in the way, all the while a woman was saying over the p.a. system something about “a young male with a skateboard and a broken leg”. People were laughing, and it felt like they were laughing at me, laughing at Ville and I, and laughing at the fact that we would never be together.
Suddenly I bumped into someone and felt them grab my arm. I spun around, expecting to see a security guard, instead seeing…
“Ville!”
I leapt into his arms. I couldn’t believe it! He was here! It was really him!
“Bam! I thought you wouldn’t come.” he said.
“With you around, you bet I will.” I replied with a grin.
Then he pulled me tighter and I remembered why we were here. I realised that this wasn’t a time for being happy - Ville was about to leave.
“Ville…” I said, ignoring the people around us who were staring, “I… I’m gonna miss you so much.”
“I’ll miss you too, sweetheart.” He said, “I wish I didn’t have to leave.”
The tears rolling down my cheeks told me that I was crying again.
“Please, don’t go.” I said desperately, “I can’t let you… please…”
Ville was sobbing too, quiet sobs.
“I have to go.” He said, “I love you so much. I would stay if it were possible to, but I must go.”
I leaned back to look into his eyes one last time. People were still staring, even Phil was staring, but I didn’t care. I kissed Ville right there and he kissed back, dropping his bag to give me a proper kiss. We kissed for a long time and when I pulled back, I saw that his still half-lidded eyes were glistening with tears, matching my own.
“Flight 227 to Helsinki, Finland, now boarding at gate three.”
“So, I guess this is it…” I said quietly.
“I will never forget you, Bam.”
“And I will never, ever forget you, Ville.”
He was letting go now. I whimpered, as he gently took hold of my arms and put them by my sides. I just wanted to keep touching him, just for a little longer…
“We will be together again.” He said, “I know it. I will show you Helsinki and you will teach me to skate.”
I was shaking my head, “Please don’t go, Ville, please.”
I reached out for him, touched his face to wipe the tears away.
“I will teach you the bass.” He said.
“Don’t do this Ville, please.” I begged quietly.
“I don’t want to do this, Bam. Please don’t make this harder for me.”
“Ville…”
He picked up his bag and turned to walk away.
“I love you.” I said quietly, though just loudly enough for him to hear.
He sighed, looking back at me for the last time and said, “And I love you.”
Then he was gone, led by Phil to gate three, shown to the plane by the air hostess, and out of my life. Gone.
Gone.
Wow, it’s so hard to think about, even now. He was just… gone. It felt like a part of me had been ripped out. A vital part. Life was…strange afterwards. I never really got over Ville. Ryan and I dated for a while. In fact, we had a few relationships. It was weird, I’d go out with some chick for a while, we’d break up and he’d be my rebound guy. Same for him. We did it for years. I don’t think anyone knows Ryan better than I do.
I kept on skating. I took part in competitions, eventually got my first sponsor. Ryan went everywhere with me, even abroad at times. He’s with me right now, in fact, but there’s still a little bit of story to tell, I guess.
You see, right now I’m sitting in hotel room in Helsinki. It was paid for by my sponsors. Ryan and I are having one of our quiet moments after drinking heavily. We’ve been partying for a couple of days now, thanks to me winning the Helsinki skate competition. It’s a pretty big event and I haven’t been this smug in ages, except… something’s bothering me. We’re in Helsinki. The place I promised I’d see Ville again, but how do you find one person after so many years?
We’re sitting together on the little sofa the hotel people have somehow managed to cram into this room along with the double bed and TV. The TV is on, but neither of us is really watching it. For starters, just about everything is in Finnish and secondly, we’re both lost in our own thoughts. At least, I am.
I hear Ryan shift a little closer, but I don’t do anything. I’m still thinking over everything. I’ve won the competition, but I’m still uneasy. And what exactly are Ryan and I anyway? We’ve been together, we’ve been apart. I mean, we’re like best friends, except that we have sex with each other occasionally. What is that? What do you call it?
He’s close now. I turn to face him slightly and let him put his arm around my back. He leans forward, but pauses, as though waiting for my consent. I nod and he leans in to kiss my neck. I tilt my head back, giving him more room to move around. God, he’s amazing when he does that, you have no idea.
He slowly kisses all the way down my neck and back up again. When he reaches my ear he whispers, “What’s wrong?”
The question surprises me, but I realise that I’ve tensed up a bit since he started kissing. Maybe he thinks I don’t want him to kiss me.
“Nothing, Ry. I’m just thinking, is all.”
“Hmm?”
“It’s nothing.” I lie, “It doesn’t matter.”
He kisses just below my ear then whispers, “I don’t think it’s nothing, Bam. You’ve been like this since we got here. I thought you were over him?”
And by him I know exactly who he means.
“Ry…” I say, turning and putting my hand on his neck as he keeps kissing mine. God, it’s hard to concentrate on talking when he kisses like that, “I am over him. It’s just... this place. It reminds me of all the things he said, you know?”
Ryan pulls back and looks into my eyes. Hopefully he can see the honesty there. Except… Am I being honest? Am I really over Ville? It’s so sad, after all these years I still can’t stop thinking about him. Ryan’s amazing, but there’s always something missing… I’m not sure what.
“I’m worried about you, Bam.” He says, “Remember what happened last time you started thinking about him? I couldn’t get you out of the house for days.”
No, don’t stop kissing. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to remember…
“Ry,” I say, moaning a little and moving towards him, “That was so long ago. Please…”
He sighs as I desperately cling to him, longing for the love that makes me forget everything. I lean in to kiss him and at first he doesn’t react, but slowly he wraps his arms around my back and inclines backwards a little, letting me rest on top of him. My hands are under his shirt, stroking his chest. This is what I need, not memories of old boyfriends, just this, only this…
The television causes me to jump. Ryan had leant back on the remote control and suddenly, music fills the room. Except, this music is actually pretty good. This music isn’t in Finnish either. I look up to see who it is and my eyes meet the ones on the screen. The singer’s eyes, familiar eyes…
“What the fuck?” Ryan curses, sitting up and pulling the remote from under him, but I don’t hear him. I don’t see him. All I see are those green eyes and all I hear is the music. It’s drawing me in, hypnotising…
“Won’t you die tonight for love? Baby, join me in Death.”
The voice is familiar too…
“Uh, Bam?” Ryan says. He sounds concerned, so I tear my eyes away from the screen for a few seconds.
“Yeah?”
“You’re acting really weird. Are you okay?”
“Look!” I say, pointing at the television screen.
He looks. I watch him to see if he feels it too, that old recognition…
“What are you on, Bam? It’s just another rock band. What, do you like them?”
“Ryan, it’s Ville!”
I didn’t expect him to react the way he does. He stands up, tossing the remote into my lap and says, “This is ridiculous. I’m going to bed.”
“But Ryan, just look!”
“No, you look, Bam - and listen. You’ve got to get over him! He’s gone, Bam and there’s nothing you can do about it! You’re obsessed, you know that? I try my best to help you, but you’re beyond anyone’s help now. You’ve got to let this thing go, for both our sakes!” he yells, before storming out of my hotel room and slamming the door behind him.
I stare after him, my mind blank. What just happened? I turn back to the TV screen just in time to see the words “HIM - Join Me (In Death) - Razorblade Romance” flash on screen. Was Ryan right? Am I obsessed? Maybe he is, but that singer… I’m sure it’s him! It’s got to be!
I’m not obsessed, right?
Am I?
Well, we’re nearly at the end of my story. After all, it is called the Foreign exchange student, right? Or maybe you’d like me to tell you what happened after that? I could tell you about my life at the moment and how strange it is. Well, first things first.
I awoke to a groaning noise beside me.
Ville.
Slowly I opened my eyes and turned to Ville’s side of the bed. He shifted and rolled over, still in the process of waking up. I smiled and reached out only to find my fingers touching a strand of reddish-blonde hair.
“Ryan!”
“What the fuck?”
He sort of jumped away (though how you can do that from a lying position I’ll never know) and fell off the bed. I sat up, realising that I was still butt-naked and I had just woken up in a bed with my best friend. I leant over the side of my bed to stare at him.
“Bam!” he said, looking up at me wide-eyed, “What the Hell happened last night?”
I stared at him for a few seconds before the memories and the headache that always accompanies drunken recollections came flooding back.
“Oh my God, dude, Ryan, you did it with Ville! And then we… Oh my God, he gave you a… a…on top of…”
“Bam, don’t say it.”
“And then I… you gave me… while Ville…”
“Bam!”
“…and where the fuck is he?”
Ryan and I stared around, but no Ville could be seen. I glanced at the clock. 11:04 a.m.
“Shit, Ryan, his flight leaves at quarter to twelve!”
“Well then we’d better get dressed!”
Without really thinking about what I was doing, I grabbed some random clothes and got ready as quickly as I could. Pain meant nothing to me then, from the headache, to the stabbing pain in my leg, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care that I had slept with my best friend. I didn’t care that there was a good chance that my parents were in the house. I didn’t care that there was a slight possibility that April had seen Ville, Ryan and I sleeping in the bed together. All I cared about was the fact that Ville was going away, and I had to see him. Why? Because I just had to!
I fell down the stairs (well, it was the fastest way to get down and do you really expect me to be careful and use my crutch like a good boy?) before grabbing the crutch I’d dropped at the bottom the night before and used it to propel myself into the kitchen, where April was making breakfast for all the resident “hung-overs” as I called them.
“I don’t even want to know what happened last night, boys.” She said, as Ryan and I entered the kitchen.
Ryan blushed, but I yelled, “Ape, where’s Ville?!”
“Oh, your dad’s taking him to the airport, I think they’re putting Ville’s stuff in the car just now. They’re a little late.”
Without another word I “ran” (okay, every time I say I ran, just remember that I was using a crutch) out the front door, just in time to see Phil’s car pull away from the house.
“Shit!” I yelled as Ryan emerged from the house, carrying his and my skateboard.
“Come on,” he said, “this is the fastest set of wheels we can use right now.”
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
“Do you wanna see him again or what?”
I answered his question by grabbing my board and jumping on.
You’d be amazed just how fast you can go on a skateboard, pushing strangely and using a crutch. I actually found myself overtaking Ryan. Sure, it hurt like Hell, but do you see me caring? No, any pain was worth a few more seconds with Ville.
I knew a shortcut to the airport (it’s not that far from my house), past the skate park (the same street where Ville and I had the shit kicked out of us) and down a really narrow but straight and flat lane. It hurt like fuck when I ollied from the end of the lane into the next street, but I was too absorbed in what I was doing to care.
We reached the airport car park just in time to see Phil and Ville get out of the car, carrying suitcases. I raced after them as fast as I could and lost them when they got inside the building, but I had to keep going. I knew roughly where they would be going, so I raced towards there. Unfortunately for me, you’re not really supposed to go that way unless you’re actually getting a flight and have passed through the security checks. Next thing I knew, Ryan and I were being chased by a couple of security guards.
“Hey, you!”
“Shit, Ryan, come on! They’re fucking after us!”
“You go on, Bam, I’ll hold them back!” he yelled.
I looked back to see Ryan suddenly stopping on his board.
“Go on!” he yelled, before turning and skating straight at the security guards. I don’t know if they got out of the way on time, but I don’t think they did, because I managed to lose them by skating round the corner, getting off my board and running into a crowd of people.
I scanned the crowd, my heart still racing from the chase, searching for any signs of Ville. I began to panic as I searched. How could I find anyone in such a large crowd? I moved more quickly, pushing past people and generally getting in the way, all the while a woman was saying over the p.a. system something about “a young male with a skateboard and a broken leg”. People were laughing, and it felt like they were laughing at me, laughing at Ville and I, and laughing at the fact that we would never be together.
Suddenly I bumped into someone and felt them grab my arm. I spun around, expecting to see a security guard, instead seeing…
“Ville!”
I leapt into his arms. I couldn’t believe it! He was here! It was really him!
“Bam! I thought you wouldn’t come.” he said.
“With you around, you bet I will.” I replied with a grin.
Then he pulled me tighter and I remembered why we were here. I realised that this wasn’t a time for being happy - Ville was about to leave.
“Ville…” I said, ignoring the people around us who were staring, “I… I’m gonna miss you so much.”
“I’ll miss you too, sweetheart.” He said, “I wish I didn’t have to leave.”
The tears rolling down my cheeks told me that I was crying again.
“Please, don’t go.” I said desperately, “I can’t let you… please…”
Ville was sobbing too, quiet sobs.
“I have to go.” He said, “I love you so much. I would stay if it were possible to, but I must go.”
I leaned back to look into his eyes one last time. People were still staring, even Phil was staring, but I didn’t care. I kissed Ville right there and he kissed back, dropping his bag to give me a proper kiss. We kissed for a long time and when I pulled back, I saw that his still half-lidded eyes were glistening with tears, matching my own.
“Flight 227 to Helsinki, Finland, now boarding at gate three.”
“So, I guess this is it…” I said quietly.
“I will never forget you, Bam.”
“And I will never, ever forget you, Ville.”
He was letting go now. I whimpered, as he gently took hold of my arms and put them by my sides. I just wanted to keep touching him, just for a little longer…
“We will be together again.” He said, “I know it. I will show you Helsinki and you will teach me to skate.”
I was shaking my head, “Please don’t go, Ville, please.”
I reached out for him, touched his face to wipe the tears away.
“I will teach you the bass.” He said.
“Don’t do this Ville, please.” I begged quietly.
“I don’t want to do this, Bam. Please don’t make this harder for me.”
“Ville…”
He picked up his bag and turned to walk away.
“I love you.” I said quietly, though just loudly enough for him to hear.
He sighed, looking back at me for the last time and said, “And I love you.”
Then he was gone, led by Phil to gate three, shown to the plane by the air hostess, and out of my life. Gone.
Gone.
Wow, it’s so hard to think about, even now. He was just… gone. It felt like a part of me had been ripped out. A vital part. Life was…strange afterwards. I never really got over Ville. Ryan and I dated for a while. In fact, we had a few relationships. It was weird, I’d go out with some chick for a while, we’d break up and he’d be my rebound guy. Same for him. We did it for years. I don’t think anyone knows Ryan better than I do.
I kept on skating. I took part in competitions, eventually got my first sponsor. Ryan went everywhere with me, even abroad at times. He’s with me right now, in fact, but there’s still a little bit of story to tell, I guess.
You see, right now I’m sitting in hotel room in Helsinki. It was paid for by my sponsors. Ryan and I are having one of our quiet moments after drinking heavily. We’ve been partying for a couple of days now, thanks to me winning the Helsinki skate competition. It’s a pretty big event and I haven’t been this smug in ages, except… something’s bothering me. We’re in Helsinki. The place I promised I’d see Ville again, but how do you find one person after so many years?
We’re sitting together on the little sofa the hotel people have somehow managed to cram into this room along with the double bed and TV. The TV is on, but neither of us is really watching it. For starters, just about everything is in Finnish and secondly, we’re both lost in our own thoughts. At least, I am.
I hear Ryan shift a little closer, but I don’t do anything. I’m still thinking over everything. I’ve won the competition, but I’m still uneasy. And what exactly are Ryan and I anyway? We’ve been together, we’ve been apart. I mean, we’re like best friends, except that we have sex with each other occasionally. What is that? What do you call it?
He’s close now. I turn to face him slightly and let him put his arm around my back. He leans forward, but pauses, as though waiting for my consent. I nod and he leans in to kiss my neck. I tilt my head back, giving him more room to move around. God, he’s amazing when he does that, you have no idea.
He slowly kisses all the way down my neck and back up again. When he reaches my ear he whispers, “What’s wrong?”
The question surprises me, but I realise that I’ve tensed up a bit since he started kissing. Maybe he thinks I don’t want him to kiss me.
“Nothing, Ry. I’m just thinking, is all.”
“Hmm?”
“It’s nothing.” I lie, “It doesn’t matter.”
He kisses just below my ear then whispers, “I don’t think it’s nothing, Bam. You’ve been like this since we got here. I thought you were over him?”
And by him I know exactly who he means.
“Ry…” I say, turning and putting my hand on his neck as he keeps kissing mine. God, it’s hard to concentrate on talking when he kisses like that, “I am over him. It’s just... this place. It reminds me of all the things he said, you know?”
Ryan pulls back and looks into my eyes. Hopefully he can see the honesty there. Except… Am I being honest? Am I really over Ville? It’s so sad, after all these years I still can’t stop thinking about him. Ryan’s amazing, but there’s always something missing… I’m not sure what.
“I’m worried about you, Bam.” He says, “Remember what happened last time you started thinking about him? I couldn’t get you out of the house for days.”
No, don’t stop kissing. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to remember…
“Ry,” I say, moaning a little and moving towards him, “That was so long ago. Please…”
He sighs as I desperately cling to him, longing for the love that makes me forget everything. I lean in to kiss him and at first he doesn’t react, but slowly he wraps his arms around my back and inclines backwards a little, letting me rest on top of him. My hands are under his shirt, stroking his chest. This is what I need, not memories of old boyfriends, just this, only this…
The television causes me to jump. Ryan had leant back on the remote control and suddenly, music fills the room. Except, this music is actually pretty good. This music isn’t in Finnish either. I look up to see who it is and my eyes meet the ones on the screen. The singer’s eyes, familiar eyes…
“What the fuck?” Ryan curses, sitting up and pulling the remote from under him, but I don’t hear him. I don’t see him. All I see are those green eyes and all I hear is the music. It’s drawing me in, hypnotising…
“Won’t you die tonight for love? Baby, join me in Death.”
The voice is familiar too…
“Uh, Bam?” Ryan says. He sounds concerned, so I tear my eyes away from the screen for a few seconds.
“Yeah?”
“You’re acting really weird. Are you okay?”
“Look!” I say, pointing at the television screen.
He looks. I watch him to see if he feels it too, that old recognition…
“What are you on, Bam? It’s just another rock band. What, do you like them?”
“Ryan, it’s Ville!”
I didn’t expect him to react the way he does. He stands up, tossing the remote into my lap and says, “This is ridiculous. I’m going to bed.”
“But Ryan, just look!”
“No, you look, Bam - and listen. You’ve got to get over him! He’s gone, Bam and there’s nothing you can do about it! You’re obsessed, you know that? I try my best to help you, but you’re beyond anyone’s help now. You’ve got to let this thing go, for both our sakes!” he yells, before storming out of my hotel room and slamming the door behind him.
I stare after him, my mind blank. What just happened? I turn back to the TV screen just in time to see the words “HIM - Join Me (In Death) - Razorblade Romance” flash on screen. Was Ryan right? Am I obsessed? Maybe he is, but that singer… I’m sure it’s him! It’s got to be!
I’m not obsessed, right?
Am I?