All That I'm Living For {A Vam Romance} Ch. 1: All That I Can’t Ignore
Title: All That I'm Living For
Author: Jaythorne
Rating: M - Warning ((For now...))
Pairing: Vam all the way!!
Summary: Ville loves Bam... but will he ever tell him? What happens when he finds out? What about Missy? Can the pair really be together?
Disclaimer: I do not own Bam Margera or Ville Valo, or anything to do with HIM, but if I did I would make them act out everything to come in this story for both my pleasure and yours.
Warnings: Will be rated M later on for smut.
Authors Notes: My first Vam fanfic and first post to this community! Hope you all enjoy!! =] Do let me know what you think, rakas.
Find all the chapters here.
All That I’m Living For - A Vam Romance
“All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.”
Chapter 1 - All That I Can’t Ignore
I don’t know when I started to love him, but then one day I suddenly realized I did. It was a strange, fulfilling feeling, and I suddenly felt like everything had turned right in the world, that everything once wrong had been righted.
If only I was so lucky.
He could never know. I wouldn’t tell him. No, I wouldn’t hurt him that way. He was my best friend. How could I just pour out my heart to him for my own sake, when doing so might wound him so very badly in the process?
No, I could never tell him.
Not like this.
But still, it’s eating me away inside. Every time I look into those amazing, sky-blue eyes, my heart cries. Every time he laughs with me over a joke, I die a little more inside. Every time I look at his perfect body, those wonderfully toned muscles, that beautiful face, my soul screams with desire. Every time I see him with another girl, I want to vanish into thin air, knowing that could never, and will never be me.
How could he love me?
I had no right to want him, but I did. I wanted him badly... so very badly. I want to die every time I think about it, but now I’m wasting away under his neglect. Sure, we still talk. Have a few drinks together. Laugh. Converse. But it’s not the same. Not what I want. Far from it.
I want Bam himself.
I want to hold him in my arms, to tell him I love him, to be able to scream his name. What I would do to know he loved me... but, I know he doesn’t love me back. Couldn’t. Can’t. Won’t.
He doesn’t like me that way.
He doesn’t even know.
And that’s the way things should stay, and will stay. For his sake, but not my own.
What does it matter anymore anyway?
He’s happy. That’s all that matters.
That’s what I tell myself.
It’s still so very painful, watching him with Jenn, and now Missy. I try to smile at them, tell them I wish them happiness, always throwing on that painful, hollow smile.
So he can’t see how very much it hurts.
I’m slipping away a little more each day, slowly leaving it all behind. Not that I care.
Why should anyone care?
All I want is him. Nothing else can satisfy me. He’s just so perfect.
But then, why would he want a wretch like me?
Exactly, he doesn’t.
And it’s killing me.
This cross is so hard to bear... but I’ll bear it anyway. And way to protect him. His life. His love. Our friendship, even if it’s never anything more than that. I still love him too much. Much too much. Painfully so.
I’ve often wondered if I should tell him. I even tried a couple times.
I chickened out. Of course.
Now I watch him and his other friends; always laughing, talking; oblivious. Missy’s there, too. I just sit quietly in the background, almost a part of the scenery, always watching, longing to join in.
I can’t.
It’s too painful.
To be that close, and yet so far. I fear I may slip, and suddenly lose my careful control, reaching out to touch his smooth, toned skin, right in front of everyone.
I won’t take that chance.
I have to get away from here.
-~-
“Ville, where are you going?” Bam called, laughing. He was swimming in the pool of the hotel with the rest of the Viva La Bam crew and Missy, having a blast while they were on vacation. The Finn hadn’t even approached the water, still clad in a light jacket and black jeans, with his beanie on and a thin green scarf wrapped around his slender neck, despite the fact it was the middle of summer.
Ville paused. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away from Bam. Fast.
“I want a smoke. I left my cigarettes in my room,” he lied, then slipped quickly inside the hotel.
Bam stared after him a moment, slightly perplexed by his mood. Ville had been acting really strange lately, and it was starting to get to him. But suddenly he was attacked by Novak and he went back to splashing in the pool, Ville soon long lost to his mind.
Instead of heading up the stairs Ville darted out the front door, then took a seat on the concrete bench outside in the hot sun. He lit up eagerly and took a long, calming intake of breath, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment before he slowly exhaled. The nicotine calmed him. He relaxed, slowly unknotting his tense muscles. Whenever he was around Bam he felt like a coiled spring, just ready to be let loose and fly under the pressure. It was maddening. He sighed heavily, rolling his head back to stare at the clear blue sky. The exact same shade as Bam’s eyes.
The Finn cursed and took to staring at the concrete bench, tracing small patterns with the tip of his finger. He did it mindlessly, concentrating only on the task. It was an escape from his thoughts. It felt nice.
He didn’t notice it had grown dark.
“Ville? What the hell are you doing out here? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”
Ville jumped, jade eyes snapping up to Bam’s face, then away. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”
Bam’s face registered confusion. “Thinking? About what?”
Ville bit his lip, still careful to avoid his eyes. He knew if he met them he might tell him everything.
“Just stuff,” he replied vaguely, waving it away. He put on a fake smile, collecting himself, and forced himself to look into the young skater’s crystal blue eyes.
“Did you want to ask me something?”
The skater regarded him for a moment, perplexed. Why had he looked so... tortured just then? It was like he was in pain or something. What could he have been thinking about? What was he not telling him?
“I was wondering if you wanted to come drinking with the guys and me,” Bam said, shaking the feeling off. He was probably just imagining things again.
Ville shrugged impassively. “Sure,” he murmured. Anywhere there was alcohol he was willing to go.
Bam lead him down to the hotel bar where the rest of the party had already accumulated, chatting away and acting crazy. Ville plopped himself down at the bar and started drinking, savoring the bittersweet taste of the alcohol on his tongue. It felt nice, letting his mind slip. He caught Bam’s form chatting and laughing with Missy and Dunn from the corner of his eye. He stared, glancing away whenever someone turned. He watched Bam as much as he could; even though he knew he shouldn’t stare, he couldn’t help it. Bam was just too beautiful.
As the evening wore on he staggered over to a couch, crashing. His lids grew heavy and were about to close when Bam plopped down next to him, startling him, laughing riotously. The small contact with his skin sent an electrical shock through Ville’s arm.
“Hey, Walo, are you having fun yet?” Bam cried drunkenly in his face. Ville stared wide-eyed, trying to remain still. He was so close...
“Hey, why are you acting so weird? You’ve been moping all day. What’s wrong with you?”
Ville cursed. Bam had noticed.
“Go away, Bam,” Ville muttered, struggling to maintain coherent speech. “I just wanna sleep.”
Indeed he did. His lids were drooping, his body weighed down with the effects of the alcohol. He felt pleasantly numb.
“Aw, but I wanna talk,” Bam slurred, grinning at him.
Ville tried to ignore him, closing his eyes and laying his head on the back of the couch. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it would do. Eventually he felt Bam leave, and he relaxed, sighing with relief. As much as he loved the close proximity with Bam, it was almost too much to bear. Tension gone, he gratefully sank into oblivion.
-~-
“Hey, Bam? What’s with Ville?”
Bam turned to glance at his friend, passed out on the couch.
“Um, he’s unconscious?”
Dunn rolled his eyes and smacked Bam upside the head. “Idiot. I meant about how he was acting earlier. He almost looked like he was in pain when you were talking to him. What did you do?”
Bam looked at Dunn, sobering up slightly. “I didn’t do anything to him!” he protested, hurt. He could never do anything to Ville. Usually it was his crew that did things to him.
“Well then why’s he acting like someone’s shoving daggers down his throat? Really, Bam, something’s wrong with him. I mean, just look at him! Even in sleep you can tell.”
Bam’s eyes unwillingly wandered back to Ville’s lanky form on the couch, drinking him in. His mouth dropped open as he realized what he saw.
Ville looked older, tired, pained. His face was crumpled in agony, even in his sleep. There were dark circles under his eyes, almost like he had been deprived of sleep for weeks. He was thinner, too; Bam could see it plainly even through his many layers of clothes. Something really was wrong.
“I’m taking him back up to his room so that he can sleep. He’s going to have a major crick in his neck tomorrow if he sleeps like that,” Bam muttered, slipping off his barstool to stagger back over to the couch. He reached down to hoist Ville’s limp form up in his arms. He wondered if he even could carry Ville, but surprised at how little he really weighed. It disturbed him.
He trekked up to his room, stumbling inside and to the bed. He lay Ville down, then climbed up with him, too tired to even take off his shoes. Not that it mattered. He was out like a light before he even hit the pillow.
-~-
A/N: So, what do you all think? Want more? :D
Author: Jaythorne
Rating: M - Warning ((For now...))
Pairing: Vam all the way!!
Summary: Ville loves Bam... but will he ever tell him? What happens when he finds out? What about Missy? Can the pair really be together?
Disclaimer: I do not own Bam Margera or Ville Valo, or anything to do with HIM, but if I did I would make them act out everything to come in this story for both my pleasure and yours.
Warnings: Will be rated M later on for smut.
Authors Notes: My first Vam fanfic and first post to this community! Hope you all enjoy!! =] Do let me know what you think, rakas.
Find all the chapters here.
All That I’m Living For - A Vam Romance
“All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.”
Chapter 1 - All That I Can’t Ignore
I don’t know when I started to love him, but then one day I suddenly realized I did. It was a strange, fulfilling feeling, and I suddenly felt like everything had turned right in the world, that everything once wrong had been righted.
If only I was so lucky.
He could never know. I wouldn’t tell him. No, I wouldn’t hurt him that way. He was my best friend. How could I just pour out my heart to him for my own sake, when doing so might wound him so very badly in the process?
No, I could never tell him.
Not like this.
But still, it’s eating me away inside. Every time I look into those amazing, sky-blue eyes, my heart cries. Every time he laughs with me over a joke, I die a little more inside. Every time I look at his perfect body, those wonderfully toned muscles, that beautiful face, my soul screams with desire. Every time I see him with another girl, I want to vanish into thin air, knowing that could never, and will never be me.
How could he love me?
I had no right to want him, but I did. I wanted him badly... so very badly. I want to die every time I think about it, but now I’m wasting away under his neglect. Sure, we still talk. Have a few drinks together. Laugh. Converse. But it’s not the same. Not what I want. Far from it.
I want Bam himself.
I want to hold him in my arms, to tell him I love him, to be able to scream his name. What I would do to know he loved me... but, I know he doesn’t love me back. Couldn’t. Can’t. Won’t.
He doesn’t like me that way.
He doesn’t even know.
And that’s the way things should stay, and will stay. For his sake, but not my own.
What does it matter anymore anyway?
He’s happy. That’s all that matters.
That’s what I tell myself.
It’s still so very painful, watching him with Jenn, and now Missy. I try to smile at them, tell them I wish them happiness, always throwing on that painful, hollow smile.
So he can’t see how very much it hurts.
I’m slipping away a little more each day, slowly leaving it all behind. Not that I care.
Why should anyone care?
All I want is him. Nothing else can satisfy me. He’s just so perfect.
But then, why would he want a wretch like me?
Exactly, he doesn’t.
And it’s killing me.
This cross is so hard to bear... but I’ll bear it anyway. And way to protect him. His life. His love. Our friendship, even if it’s never anything more than that. I still love him too much. Much too much. Painfully so.
I’ve often wondered if I should tell him. I even tried a couple times.
I chickened out. Of course.
Now I watch him and his other friends; always laughing, talking; oblivious. Missy’s there, too. I just sit quietly in the background, almost a part of the scenery, always watching, longing to join in.
I can’t.
It’s too painful.
To be that close, and yet so far. I fear I may slip, and suddenly lose my careful control, reaching out to touch his smooth, toned skin, right in front of everyone.
I won’t take that chance.
I have to get away from here.
-~-
“Ville, where are you going?” Bam called, laughing. He was swimming in the pool of the hotel with the rest of the Viva La Bam crew and Missy, having a blast while they were on vacation. The Finn hadn’t even approached the water, still clad in a light jacket and black jeans, with his beanie on and a thin green scarf wrapped around his slender neck, despite the fact it was the middle of summer.
Ville paused. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away from Bam. Fast.
“I want a smoke. I left my cigarettes in my room,” he lied, then slipped quickly inside the hotel.
Bam stared after him a moment, slightly perplexed by his mood. Ville had been acting really strange lately, and it was starting to get to him. But suddenly he was attacked by Novak and he went back to splashing in the pool, Ville soon long lost to his mind.
Instead of heading up the stairs Ville darted out the front door, then took a seat on the concrete bench outside in the hot sun. He lit up eagerly and took a long, calming intake of breath, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment before he slowly exhaled. The nicotine calmed him. He relaxed, slowly unknotting his tense muscles. Whenever he was around Bam he felt like a coiled spring, just ready to be let loose and fly under the pressure. It was maddening. He sighed heavily, rolling his head back to stare at the clear blue sky. The exact same shade as Bam’s eyes.
The Finn cursed and took to staring at the concrete bench, tracing small patterns with the tip of his finger. He did it mindlessly, concentrating only on the task. It was an escape from his thoughts. It felt nice.
He didn’t notice it had grown dark.
“Ville? What the hell are you doing out here? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”
Ville jumped, jade eyes snapping up to Bam’s face, then away. “Sorry. I was just thinking.”
Bam’s face registered confusion. “Thinking? About what?”
Ville bit his lip, still careful to avoid his eyes. He knew if he met them he might tell him everything.
“Just stuff,” he replied vaguely, waving it away. He put on a fake smile, collecting himself, and forced himself to look into the young skater’s crystal blue eyes.
“Did you want to ask me something?”
The skater regarded him for a moment, perplexed. Why had he looked so... tortured just then? It was like he was in pain or something. What could he have been thinking about? What was he not telling him?
“I was wondering if you wanted to come drinking with the guys and me,” Bam said, shaking the feeling off. He was probably just imagining things again.
Ville shrugged impassively. “Sure,” he murmured. Anywhere there was alcohol he was willing to go.
Bam lead him down to the hotel bar where the rest of the party had already accumulated, chatting away and acting crazy. Ville plopped himself down at the bar and started drinking, savoring the bittersweet taste of the alcohol on his tongue. It felt nice, letting his mind slip. He caught Bam’s form chatting and laughing with Missy and Dunn from the corner of his eye. He stared, glancing away whenever someone turned. He watched Bam as much as he could; even though he knew he shouldn’t stare, he couldn’t help it. Bam was just too beautiful.
As the evening wore on he staggered over to a couch, crashing. His lids grew heavy and were about to close when Bam plopped down next to him, startling him, laughing riotously. The small contact with his skin sent an electrical shock through Ville’s arm.
“Hey, Walo, are you having fun yet?” Bam cried drunkenly in his face. Ville stared wide-eyed, trying to remain still. He was so close...
“Hey, why are you acting so weird? You’ve been moping all day. What’s wrong with you?”
Ville cursed. Bam had noticed.
“Go away, Bam,” Ville muttered, struggling to maintain coherent speech. “I just wanna sleep.”
Indeed he did. His lids were drooping, his body weighed down with the effects of the alcohol. He felt pleasantly numb.
“Aw, but I wanna talk,” Bam slurred, grinning at him.
Ville tried to ignore him, closing his eyes and laying his head on the back of the couch. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it would do. Eventually he felt Bam leave, and he relaxed, sighing with relief. As much as he loved the close proximity with Bam, it was almost too much to bear. Tension gone, he gratefully sank into oblivion.
-~-
“Hey, Bam? What’s with Ville?”
Bam turned to glance at his friend, passed out on the couch.
“Um, he’s unconscious?”
Dunn rolled his eyes and smacked Bam upside the head. “Idiot. I meant about how he was acting earlier. He almost looked like he was in pain when you were talking to him. What did you do?”
Bam looked at Dunn, sobering up slightly. “I didn’t do anything to him!” he protested, hurt. He could never do anything to Ville. Usually it was his crew that did things to him.
“Well then why’s he acting like someone’s shoving daggers down his throat? Really, Bam, something’s wrong with him. I mean, just look at him! Even in sleep you can tell.”
Bam’s eyes unwillingly wandered back to Ville’s lanky form on the couch, drinking him in. His mouth dropped open as he realized what he saw.
Ville looked older, tired, pained. His face was crumpled in agony, even in his sleep. There were dark circles under his eyes, almost like he had been deprived of sleep for weeks. He was thinner, too; Bam could see it plainly even through his many layers of clothes. Something really was wrong.
“I’m taking him back up to his room so that he can sleep. He’s going to have a major crick in his neck tomorrow if he sleeps like that,” Bam muttered, slipping off his barstool to stagger back over to the couch. He reached down to hoist Ville’s limp form up in his arms. He wondered if he even could carry Ville, but surprised at how little he really weighed. It disturbed him.
He trekked up to his room, stumbling inside and to the bed. He lay Ville down, then climbed up with him, too tired to even take off his shoes. Not that it mattered. He was out like a light before he even hit the pillow.
-~-
A/N: So, what do you all think? Want more? :D