*grins*
*grins*
Chapter Five: ...and all I wanted was to embrace you with my very own arms...
I’m right here…. Ville wanted to say. But he knew he couldn’t. There was no way he could do that. He couldn’t have Bam find him. Not like this. Not right now. That would just be insane and idiotic. So, instead, he just sat there, watching his friend, wondering what he might do next.
Bam sighed, still leaning against the windowsill. Where the hell did he go? I mean…the apartment isn’t that big. What the hell is up with this? He couldn’t have gone anywhere, could he? I mean… Bam sighed again and slowly sat down, leaning against the wall, his head hitting the windowsill a couple of times. “I don’t get it…where did he go?”
Nowhere. Just look in the closet. Ville’s eyes widened. Why had he just thought that? That’s the last thing I need right now. We’re already not too great on terms. He doesn’t need to find me here. Like this…. Ville shook his head. Just keep quiet and it’ll all be all right…hopefully…
"God. Where the hell did he go? I didn't run him off from his own apartment, did I? No...that would be stupid...It's his apartment." Bam rolled his eyes at himself. “But….where…the hell….did he go? How could he have even gone anywhere? I would have seen him. Right? Jeez, I don’t know. But…I mean…why would he leave, anyway? I know he’s kind of pissed off and….well, he has that right, I was an idiot…like usual…” He sighed.
You’re not an idiot, Bam! Ville shouted at the skater in his mind. Damn not being able to say anything aloud.
Bam continued his babbling. “I don’t even know why…I was yelling at him…at all. It’s not like if it was so damn important as I was making it out to be…he wouldn’t tell me. If it was…he’d tell me. …Would he? God, I don’t even know any more. He’s not the Ville I know any more. He’s…different. Colder…more distant.” He winced. “I don’t like him like this. And I want to know what’s going on…”
I’d tell you if I could, love. But I can’t. I don’t need another back turned on me... Ville thought, staring out at Bam.
“And when the hell am I going to tell him? I mean…honestly. I…I’ve known for a year and a half. I’ve got to let him know. Eventually. But…I tried…that one time. And…I couldn’t. I just couldn’t say it. I was too damn worried about how he would react…I’d managed to actually work myself up to the point of being so damn nervous I couldn’t even string a sentence together. God, that was weird…”
What are you babbling about, darling? Please, explain yourself to yourself. ……What the hell? Ville shook his head. Do it anyway.
"I wish I could get the nerve to open my mouth and talk to him...tell him, but...I can't do that. I don't know how he would take it. And I don't want to loose my friendship with him. I just don't know how he'd react to me being gay. Well, I don't really know how anyone would take it. Nobody even knows...except Ape. She's the only one I could talk to about it. I knew she wouldn't go off and blab around to everyone. She does know that I'm in love with him, but I don’t think she really understands how deep in I am..." Bam sighed. "It hurts. I am so in love with him that it actually hurts!"
All right. Who are you talking about? And I, for one, don't give a damn that you're gay. Nice thought, really. Ville thought, thoroughly confused about all of Bam's odd, random babbling.
"Where are you Ville? I need to talk to you..." Bam laughed, "Yeah, right. If I tried to tell him that it'd be just like last time. I'd get him alone going on about how I had something really important to tell him. So, then we would be off from everyone and then, as I started to tell him, I'd realize exactly how complete normal I really am as just how absolutely nervewracking something that big really is. I'd stop myself from saying what I really needed to say and make up some stupid ass excuse in place of it to give to me. I would then proceed to get a confused look from him and we would go on with our lives; Ville not knowing a damn thing and me, somehow managing to fall for him even more, thus making everything harder on myself."
Oh, Bam... Ville bit down on his lower lip to keep from saying anything out loud. Why didn't you just tell me before?
Bam suddenly decided something: “I have to stop this. All is....is wishful thinking. A fantasy that will never come true..." He closed his eyes for a moment, banging his head lightly on the windowsill. "For a year and a half, I've tortured myself, allowing myself to think something could ever be possible between us. And it's not. I've just been kidding myself for over a year. Well, I'm going to find a way to stop this...." Bam scoffed and let out a bitter laugh, "Who the hell am I kidding? That'll never happen." He knew he was alone, but he coughed to try and keep the tears from spilling. "But neither will anything else..." He leaned his head against the windowsill and slid down a little. Closing his eyes, Bam let the tears slowly slide down his cheeks and the sobs overcame him.
Ville watched this all from his place in the closet, complete silent even though he wanted so badly to say something. He wanted to comfort his friend, but he had to keep quiet. I've never seen Bam like this before. So serious and...I don't remember ever seeing him cry. God, why do I feel like I've just committed the ultimate crime of all time? ...I guess I did, really. I broke my best friend's heart...and never knew a thing about it...
Well, here we go. Chapter 5. Remember: Twinkies & Penguins = love and writing!!
Chapter Five: ...and all I wanted was to embrace you with my very own arms...
I’m right here…. Ville wanted to say. But he knew he couldn’t. There was no way he could do that. He couldn’t have Bam find him. Not like this. Not right now. That would just be insane and idiotic. So, instead, he just sat there, watching his friend, wondering what he might do next.
Bam sighed, still leaning against the windowsill. Where the hell did he go? I mean…the apartment isn’t that big. What the hell is up with this? He couldn’t have gone anywhere, could he? I mean… Bam sighed again and slowly sat down, leaning against the wall, his head hitting the windowsill a couple of times. “I don’t get it…where did he go?”
Nowhere. Just look in the closet. Ville’s eyes widened. Why had he just thought that? That’s the last thing I need right now. We’re already not too great on terms. He doesn’t need to find me here. Like this…. Ville shook his head. Just keep quiet and it’ll all be all right…hopefully…
"God. Where the hell did he go? I didn't run him off from his own apartment, did I? No...that would be stupid...It's his apartment." Bam rolled his eyes at himself. “But….where…the hell….did he go? How could he have even gone anywhere? I would have seen him. Right? Jeez, I don’t know. But…I mean…why would he leave, anyway? I know he’s kind of pissed off and….well, he has that right, I was an idiot…like usual…” He sighed.
You’re not an idiot, Bam! Ville shouted at the skater in his mind. Damn not being able to say anything aloud.
Bam continued his babbling. “I don’t even know why…I was yelling at him…at all. It’s not like if it was so damn important as I was making it out to be…he wouldn’t tell me. If it was…he’d tell me. …Would he? God, I don’t even know any more. He’s not the Ville I know any more. He’s…different. Colder…more distant.” He winced. “I don’t like him like this. And I want to know what’s going on…”
I’d tell you if I could, love. But I can’t. I don’t need another back turned on me... Ville thought, staring out at Bam.
“And when the hell am I going to tell him? I mean…honestly. I…I’ve known for a year and a half. I’ve got to let him know. Eventually. But…I tried…that one time. And…I couldn’t. I just couldn’t say it. I was too damn worried about how he would react…I’d managed to actually work myself up to the point of being so damn nervous I couldn’t even string a sentence together. God, that was weird…”
What are you babbling about, darling? Please, explain yourself to yourself. ……What the hell? Ville shook his head. Do it anyway.
"I wish I could get the nerve to open my mouth and talk to him...tell him, but...I can't do that. I don't know how he would take it. And I don't want to loose my friendship with him. I just don't know how he'd react to me being gay. Well, I don't really know how anyone would take it. Nobody even knows...except Ape. She's the only one I could talk to about it. I knew she wouldn't go off and blab around to everyone. She does know that I'm in love with him, but I don’t think she really understands how deep in I am..." Bam sighed. "It hurts. I am so in love with him that it actually hurts!"
All right. Who are you talking about? And I, for one, don't give a damn that you're gay. Nice thought, really. Ville thought, thoroughly confused about all of Bam's odd, random babbling.
"Where are you Ville? I need to talk to you..." Bam laughed, "Yeah, right. If I tried to tell him that it'd be just like last time. I'd get him alone going on about how I had something really important to tell him. So, then we would be off from everyone and then, as I started to tell him, I'd realize exactly how complete normal I really am as just how absolutely nervewracking something that big really is. I'd stop myself from saying what I really needed to say and make up some stupid ass excuse in place of it to give to me. I would then proceed to get a confused look from him and we would go on with our lives; Ville not knowing a damn thing and me, somehow managing to fall for him even more, thus making everything harder on myself."
Oh, Bam... Ville bit down on his lower lip to keep from saying anything out loud. Why didn't you just tell me before?
Bam suddenly decided something: “I have to stop this. All is....is wishful thinking. A fantasy that will never come true..." He closed his eyes for a moment, banging his head lightly on the windowsill. "For a year and a half, I've tortured myself, allowing myself to think something could ever be possible between us. And it's not. I've just been kidding myself for over a year. Well, I'm going to find a way to stop this...." Bam scoffed and let out a bitter laugh, "Who the hell am I kidding? That'll never happen." He knew he was alone, but he coughed to try and keep the tears from spilling. "But neither will anything else..." He leaned his head against the windowsill and slid down a little. Closing his eyes, Bam let the tears slowly slide down his cheeks and the sobs overcame him.
Ville watched this all from his place in the closet, complete silent even though he wanted so badly to say something. He wanted to comfort his friend, but he had to keep quiet. I've never seen Bam like this before. So serious and...I don't remember ever seeing him cry. God, why do I feel like I've just committed the ultimate crime of all time? ...I guess I did, really. I broke my best friend's heart...and never knew a thing about it...
Well, here we go. Chapter 5. Remember: Twinkies & Penguins = love and writing!!