another angsty one, sorry guys.
I promise I'll post something happy soon.......
Title: Room of Angels
Author: x_carnivale_x
Rating: R. For mention of sexual acts and strong language.
Pairing: Ville/Bam.
Summary: You lie, silent there before me. Your tears, they mean nothing to me. The wind howling at the window, the love you never gave, I give to you, really dont deserve it. But now, there's nothing you can do. So sleep, in your only memory of me, my dearest lover.
Author's Notes: I came upon this really great song the other day. And it inspired me to write something very dark and sad. This mainly consists of Ville playing the piano and singing a song about what he thinks Bam thinks of him. The chorus is mainly what he thinks Bam thinks of him, the rest are just his upset and bitter thoughts. Alright, enough, cant give out too much.
Disclaimer: This is untrue, this song does not belong to me, nor Ville Valo. It belongs to Akira Yamaoka [FT. Mary Elizabeth McGlynn].
Ville sat silently on the couch, staring ahead of him, his lips pressed into a thin line. His eyes were the same as always, cold and icy, the greens of them reflecting a thousand violent sea storms. He was convinced that if he stared long enough, the piano before him would wash away into some imagined sea, taking his temptation to play along with it. But it never did. Instead he sat uncomfortably on the 'fancy' couch, the kind made for piano rooms, elegant and terrible. He uncurled his knees from beneath his body and stood, walking over to the piano and sat down at it, grazing his fingers over the keys. He stood again for a moment to lift the lid of the bench and pulled out a stack of music sheets, all filled out by hand and with Ville's signature of composition in the top right corner.
He placed the music in front of him and sat, pausing for a moment and stared at the notes, and felt the keys beneath the calloused pads of his fingers. They were dusty, he could feel the tiny particles clinging to his alabaster skin. It'd been forever since he'd played, hell, since he'd composed. But he stared at the music in front of him and the words that had never been written for it were ready to fall from his mouth and he was suddenly ready to pour out his anguish into the musty air.
His voice was smooth and soft as it rung out, which surprised him, since he hadn't even spoken that day. But it sounded alluring and calm, a placid tone he'd never been familiar with, but it was there none the less. His words, though they sounded beautiful, were bitter and angry, filled with tears and pain.
You lie, silent there before me.
Your tears, they mean nothing to me.
The wind howling at the window,
The love you never gave,
I give to you,
You really don't deserve it.
But now, there's nothing you can do.
So sleep, in your only memory
Of me, my dearest lover.
He played softly, each note sounding out sadly, as if reluctant to be played. The piano was painfully out of tune, but Vile didn't care. His music brought him back to old times, when things weren't complicated, when things weren't painful nor awkward. He'd never meant to hurt anyone, especially not Bam. He'd caused so much... And deep inside he felt worthless, like all he was here to do was mess things up. His eyes closed, Ville imagined that Bam was singing back to him now... Ville's voice sounded out, but Bam's voice sang within his mind. And Ville hurt.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry. [Oh well.]
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Ville opened his eyes, and once again, it was only him singing. Bam had disappeared, though he'd never been there to begin with. Bam hated him now, he'd never come to visit Ville now. The Finn had destroyed everything. There was no more traveling with his Jackass friends, there were no more friends... There was no more happiness. Ville was alone now. The things Bam had said to him had torn him on the inside, and with every moment he thought about it, the more Ville began to swallow Bam's hate and feed it to his own.
"I love you." Ville had said to Bam. The older boy had quickly leaned in to try to kiss his skater, but Bam had shoved him. Bam had hit him, sent him down, left Ville sprawled on the floor, his lip bleeding.
"Dont touch me, you faggot."
Bam had left after that, leaving Ville alone on the floor, bracing himself on his arms, gritting his teeth, hair falling over his face and weeping. He should have known better.
So insignificant, sleeping dormant deep inside of me
Are you hiding away, lost, under the sewers,
Maybe flying high, in the clouds?
Perhaps you're happy without me...
So many seeds have been sown in the field,
And who could sprout up so blessedly,
If I had died I would have never felt sad at all,
You will not hear me say 'I'm sorry...'
Where is the light, wonder if it's weeping somewhere?
The room was suddenly silent, Ville couldn't bear to move his fingers any longer. He inhaled deeply and bit his lip. His right hand moved from the piano up to his face, rubbing over his mouth, noting how his lips were dry and chapped. He hadn't left the dusty room in at least a day and he certainly hadn't bothered to tend to his cracking lips. After all, he'd really only wanted his lips to look and feel good for Bam.
Ville stood and walked the short distance towards his kitchen, and he quickly began sifting through one of the drawers that normally held random tools, screwdrivers, batteries, anything he may need. This time, he came upon a box cutter, one of those utility knives with the retractable blades. He slowly clicked it up until the shining and sharp edge was visible. Ville thought about smiling. But couldn't bring himself to do so. He instead just walked back to his piano and sat back down. He placed the box cutter on the extra sheets of music on the piano and continued playing.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Bam was back in his head, singing the wretched words to him. Reminding Ville of everything he had caused, making him realize that Bam really didn't love him, that Bam wanted nothing more to do with him. It was as if the skater was toying with him, even though Ville knew it was only in his head. But still, he couldn't scratch the images of Bam telling him all of these terrible things. He stopped playing and picked up the box cutter. He played with it in his hands for a moment before closing his eyes and pressing it against the flesh on his arm. Before he could really think, it was over, no pain, no hurt. Just an open and gaping wound. And soon enough, an identical one rested on his other arm. He dropped the knife to the floor, not even hearing it crash loudly in the silent room. Also not hearing his front door open and close. He simply re-placed his fingers on the keys, not caring as blood dripped over them and onto his pants as well. The red dripped down his fingers and coated the ivory keys, but he paid it no mind, not even noticing how his fingers slid a little more on the piano keys, now wet and slick from his blood.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Bam sang to him still, as if he were singing Ville his last lullabye. Lulling him to a permanent sleep. Ville was hearing Bam telling him that he despised him, that he couldn't even cry for him. And Ville cried while he sang, and he felt weak... And tired.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
it was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close our eyes.
Goodbye.
Ville suddenly felt afraid to die. Afraid that everything he thought now would actually be reality. Afraid that Bam wouldn't come to his funeral, wouldn't cry, wouldn't miss him... Perhaps even say "I'm happy without you, Ville." And Ville cried out, but his voice was leaving and he could barely force out any more of the words he'd thought so long about. And in his anguish, the singer didn't even notice the dark figure standing in the doorway of the piano room. Watching on, unsure of what to do, dumbstruck and terrified.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye...
His last word was uttered in a whisper and he noticed his head feeling heavy and falling forward, towards the piano keys. And Bam watched. And a tear slipped down the skater's cheek. Ville's hand slipped from the keys and Bam quickly ran and caught the body before it fell. He held Ville in his arms and felt another tear drip from his eyelashes. He saw Ville's eyes, open and empty, dead... yet staring up at him. And he laid Ville's body on the ground gently and wiped his eyes. He stood and stared, looked on as the older man was still and silent, his body lying at Bam's feet. Bam quaked with disgust and fear and sadness as he saw the blood on his hands and he frantically rubbed it on his pants, staining the khaki to red, but it seemed that no matter how much or how hard he rubbed, the red on his hands wouldn't come off.
Bam ran from the house, slamming the door behind him, trying not to scream. And ran to find his friends. He had no idea what he would tell them when he found them, he had no idea how he would explain what happened. He ran and ran until he fell to his knees, scuffing them and making them bleed. But he immediately scrambled to his feet and ran on. He ran until he found Knoxville's house, not far from Ville's temporary American home, and pounded on the door. Johnny opened the door, saw Bam, saw the blood, saw the terrified look on the crow head's face and rushed him into the house, Ryan and Chris waited there as well. They didn't ask a single question, but they stared, staring with questioning eyes.
And all Bam could think to say was
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes...
Goodbye...
[fin]
ANGST!
Yeah, seriously. I know it's like the stupid "oh no, i killed myself cause the guy I love hates me" fic, but I hope that I somehow transcended that and made it something more.
So. was that just absolutely terrible? Be honest.
I'm unsure, actually. Heh.
Reviews?
- pandora.
Title: Room of Angels
Author: x_carnivale_x
Rating: R. For mention of sexual acts and strong language.
Pairing: Ville/Bam.
Summary: You lie, silent there before me. Your tears, they mean nothing to me. The wind howling at the window, the love you never gave, I give to you, really dont deserve it. But now, there's nothing you can do. So sleep, in your only memory of me, my dearest lover.
Author's Notes: I came upon this really great song the other day. And it inspired me to write something very dark and sad. This mainly consists of Ville playing the piano and singing a song about what he thinks Bam thinks of him. The chorus is mainly what he thinks Bam thinks of him, the rest are just his upset and bitter thoughts. Alright, enough, cant give out too much.
Disclaimer: This is untrue, this song does not belong to me, nor Ville Valo. It belongs to Akira Yamaoka [FT. Mary Elizabeth McGlynn].
Ville sat silently on the couch, staring ahead of him, his lips pressed into a thin line. His eyes were the same as always, cold and icy, the greens of them reflecting a thousand violent sea storms. He was convinced that if he stared long enough, the piano before him would wash away into some imagined sea, taking his temptation to play along with it. But it never did. Instead he sat uncomfortably on the 'fancy' couch, the kind made for piano rooms, elegant and terrible. He uncurled his knees from beneath his body and stood, walking over to the piano and sat down at it, grazing his fingers over the keys. He stood again for a moment to lift the lid of the bench and pulled out a stack of music sheets, all filled out by hand and with Ville's signature of composition in the top right corner.
He placed the music in front of him and sat, pausing for a moment and stared at the notes, and felt the keys beneath the calloused pads of his fingers. They were dusty, he could feel the tiny particles clinging to his alabaster skin. It'd been forever since he'd played, hell, since he'd composed. But he stared at the music in front of him and the words that had never been written for it were ready to fall from his mouth and he was suddenly ready to pour out his anguish into the musty air.
His voice was smooth and soft as it rung out, which surprised him, since he hadn't even spoken that day. But it sounded alluring and calm, a placid tone he'd never been familiar with, but it was there none the less. His words, though they sounded beautiful, were bitter and angry, filled with tears and pain.
You lie, silent there before me.
Your tears, they mean nothing to me.
The wind howling at the window,
The love you never gave,
I give to you,
You really don't deserve it.
But now, there's nothing you can do.
So sleep, in your only memory
Of me, my dearest lover.
He played softly, each note sounding out sadly, as if reluctant to be played. The piano was painfully out of tune, but Vile didn't care. His music brought him back to old times, when things weren't complicated, when things weren't painful nor awkward. He'd never meant to hurt anyone, especially not Bam. He'd caused so much... And deep inside he felt worthless, like all he was here to do was mess things up. His eyes closed, Ville imagined that Bam was singing back to him now... Ville's voice sounded out, but Bam's voice sang within his mind. And Ville hurt.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry. [Oh well.]
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Ville opened his eyes, and once again, it was only him singing. Bam had disappeared, though he'd never been there to begin with. Bam hated him now, he'd never come to visit Ville now. The Finn had destroyed everything. There was no more traveling with his Jackass friends, there were no more friends... There was no more happiness. Ville was alone now. The things Bam had said to him had torn him on the inside, and with every moment he thought about it, the more Ville began to swallow Bam's hate and feed it to his own.
"I love you." Ville had said to Bam. The older boy had quickly leaned in to try to kiss his skater, but Bam had shoved him. Bam had hit him, sent him down, left Ville sprawled on the floor, his lip bleeding.
"Dont touch me, you faggot."
Bam had left after that, leaving Ville alone on the floor, bracing himself on his arms, gritting his teeth, hair falling over his face and weeping. He should have known better.
So insignificant, sleeping dormant deep inside of me
Are you hiding away, lost, under the sewers,
Maybe flying high, in the clouds?
Perhaps you're happy without me...
So many seeds have been sown in the field,
And who could sprout up so blessedly,
If I had died I would have never felt sad at all,
You will not hear me say 'I'm sorry...'
Where is the light, wonder if it's weeping somewhere?
The room was suddenly silent, Ville couldn't bear to move his fingers any longer. He inhaled deeply and bit his lip. His right hand moved from the piano up to his face, rubbing over his mouth, noting how his lips were dry and chapped. He hadn't left the dusty room in at least a day and he certainly hadn't bothered to tend to his cracking lips. After all, he'd really only wanted his lips to look and feel good for Bam.
Ville stood and walked the short distance towards his kitchen, and he quickly began sifting through one of the drawers that normally held random tools, screwdrivers, batteries, anything he may need. This time, he came upon a box cutter, one of those utility knives with the retractable blades. He slowly clicked it up until the shining and sharp edge was visible. Ville thought about smiling. But couldn't bring himself to do so. He instead just walked back to his piano and sat back down. He placed the box cutter on the extra sheets of music on the piano and continued playing.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Bam was back in his head, singing the wretched words to him. Reminding Ville of everything he had caused, making him realize that Bam really didn't love him, that Bam wanted nothing more to do with him. It was as if the skater was toying with him, even though Ville knew it was only in his head. But still, he couldn't scratch the images of Bam telling him all of these terrible things. He stopped playing and picked up the box cutter. He played with it in his hands for a moment before closing his eyes and pressing it against the flesh on his arm. Before he could really think, it was over, no pain, no hurt. Just an open and gaping wound. And soon enough, an identical one rested on his other arm. He dropped the knife to the floor, not even hearing it crash loudly in the silent room. Also not hearing his front door open and close. He simply re-placed his fingers on the keys, not caring as blood dripped over them and onto his pants as well. The red dripped down his fingers and coated the ivory keys, but he paid it no mind, not even noticing how his fingers slid a little more on the piano keys, now wet and slick from his blood.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Bam sang to him still, as if he were singing Ville his last lullabye. Lulling him to a permanent sleep. Ville was hearing Bam telling him that he despised him, that he couldn't even cry for him. And Ville cried while he sang, and he felt weak... And tired.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
it was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close our eyes.
Goodbye.
Ville suddenly felt afraid to die. Afraid that everything he thought now would actually be reality. Afraid that Bam wouldn't come to his funeral, wouldn't cry, wouldn't miss him... Perhaps even say "I'm happy without you, Ville." And Ville cried out, but his voice was leaving and he could barely force out any more of the words he'd thought so long about. And in his anguish, the singer didn't even notice the dark figure standing in the doorway of the piano room. Watching on, unsure of what to do, dumbstruck and terrified.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh well.
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye...
His last word was uttered in a whisper and he noticed his head feeling heavy and falling forward, towards the piano keys. And Bam watched. And a tear slipped down the skater's cheek. Ville's hand slipped from the keys and Bam quickly ran and caught the body before it fell. He held Ville in his arms and felt another tear drip from his eyelashes. He saw Ville's eyes, open and empty, dead... yet staring up at him. And he laid Ville's body on the ground gently and wiped his eyes. He stood and stared, looked on as the older man was still and silent, his body lying at Bam's feet. Bam quaked with disgust and fear and sadness as he saw the blood on his hands and he frantically rubbed it on his pants, staining the khaki to red, but it seemed that no matter how much or how hard he rubbed, the red on his hands wouldn't come off.
Bam ran from the house, slamming the door behind him, trying not to scream. And ran to find his friends. He had no idea what he would tell them when he found them, he had no idea how he would explain what happened. He ran and ran until he fell to his knees, scuffing them and making them bleed. But he immediately scrambled to his feet and ran on. He ran until he found Knoxville's house, not far from Ville's temporary American home, and pounded on the door. Johnny opened the door, saw Bam, saw the blood, saw the terrified look on the crow head's face and rushed him into the house, Ryan and Chris waited there as well. They didn't ask a single question, but they stared, staring with questioning eyes.
And all Bam could think to say was
Here's a lullabye to close your eyes...
Goodbye...
[fin]
ANGST!
Yeah, seriously. I know it's like the stupid "oh no, i killed myself cause the guy I love hates me" fic, but I hope that I somehow transcended that and made it something more.
So. was that just absolutely terrible? Be honest.
I'm unsure, actually. Heh.
Reviews?
- pandora.