+The Nine Series...Part 3+
Title: Elephant (3/9)
Author: AshesInTwilight
Rating: probably could get away with PG-13
Pairing: Vam
Summary: Ville's at the edge begging for mercy. Bam figures out what he's been doing during their time apart.
Disclaimer: I own no one. The words are mine but the people are their own. The amazing lyrics and song are by Damien Rice.
Author Notes: Finding russian that looks like letters my simple american mind can understand is a bit difficult...but I tried two online translations. "Moj Angel" is supposed to be my angel in Russian. It's probably not right so feel free to correct me. My russian contact has gone MIA. (ps-- I love comments hehe)
+Ville’s POV+
~~~
…this has got to die
i said this has got to stop
this has got to lie down
with someone else on top…
~~~
I stood at the open window letting the icy breeze engulf me as comfortably as a blanket fresh from the dryer. I barely feel it against my numb skin. I barely feel anything lately. Lifting the cigarette to my pursed lips, I take a long drag watching in fascination as the embers burn. They matched the lights of the bustling city, like fireflies against a coal sky. I almost smile, almost. I hadn’t smiled in a week, since I got the message. Why did he have to call me? I’d been doing fine if for no other reason than to spite him…or at least that’s what I tell myself, never mind if it was all façade. Now, who was the liar? Being the masochist I am, I save the message-- replaying it throughout the day to hear all the sweet things he said. He sounded so sincere, so mournful like I’d died. It brought an ache but one I almost craved. Like cutter dragging the razor across stretched flesh, I bring it purposely, to fight the numbness; to feel the throb as my heartbeat soars with adrenaline. Because the pain is all I can feel…and anything is better than feeling void.
Listening to the words once more, my own fingertips graze my smoke-dried lips. They used to be soft, moist always because that’s how you liked them…liked to kiss and lick away the flavored balm. I don’t bother much now beyond anxious licking against the frost but that only dries them more. You always were an amazing kisser whether passionate or playful, dominate or docile. My mouth tingles at the touch, too long neglected so overly sensitive, and it drowns me in memories of the first night we kissed:
We were at some bar in a back corner booth, bathed in long shadows and the booming bass of some random band. The crew was there as well as the band, we were celebrating something. As the night grew later, liquor ran thicker through our veins making us more flirty as it always seemed to. We were laughing at some joke Ryan had told, not near as funny as we made it seem. Then, you placed a chaste kiss to my lips. No one-- including me-- batted a lash. That much had happened countless times before, all harmless flirtation. But this was different. Your lips lingered a bit too long for the straight man you posed as. The hand that had some how ended up on my thigh sometime during the night tightened almost…possessively. You must not have seen the smile I gave when I pulled back, the willingness lining my mint eyes as my head lulled back against the seat in silent submission, because you excused yourself and disappeared into the crowd. After fifteen minutes without your returning to me, I went in search. When I made it to a smoky hallway, I felt a hand latch onto my wrist yanking me into a dark corner. I was forced against a wall, a body pressed to mine and I began to fight. Shh. “B-Bam?” Mmmhmm, you mumbled into my neck. “What are you doing?” Whatever the fuck I want for a change. You growl lips colliding into mine in a fierce kiss, not releasing me until my body shook in need of oxygen and much, much more.
~~~
you can keep me pinned
'cause it's easier to tease
so why did ya have to lie
i take it i'm your crutch
the pillow in your pillowcase
is easier to touch
and when you think you've sinned
do you fall upon your knees?
~~~
I don’t understand-- if you never really wanted me, if you didn’t want me anymore, why not just say so? I would have been your friend forever. When things don’t work out naturally, things can be ok…hearts don’t shatter, they crack, they heal. This was much more violent and damaging to me. There was no need to lie, I would have bowed out gracefully to let Missy have you even if it was just for normalcy’s sake. If that’s what you wanted…it’s always whatever you wanted. All I asked you was not to toy with me. Was the proclamations of love a lie as well? I hate that I doubt it now, but that’s your doing. I hate that you left that message, that you continually call trying to get me to respond. It weakens my already crumbling defenses. You can’t have us both-- her to complete the American dream, me on the side waiting for when you need a fix; like some kind of junkie and I your heroine. You can’t keep me chained, captive to you. I want you, all of you…or I want free.
The vibration of my phone against my cheek jolts me to attention and I nearly throw it before I realize it’s only a call. My screen reads ‘Bammie’…of course it does because he has the worst timing in the world. I hear the shower cut off, an opening door before damp footsteps sound towards the bedroom and a second door closes. I stare at the phone a moment more like I think you’ll come clawing through after me. With a quivering sigh, I decide I can’t do this one more night and answer. At first, I say nothing. “Ville?” You voice is confused by hearing more than a message. Still, I keep silent. “Ville, are you there? Say something, please, anything.”
“I’m here,” I whisper.
I hear a sharp inhale from the line. “God, baby, I thought you were never going to answer my calls. I know I totally deserve it but I feel like I’m dying and I just--” you ramble uncontrollably when you’re nervous.
“Stop.”
“What?”
“You have to stop Bam. This has to stop. You’re killing me.”
There’s a long pause and I wonder if that was enough. Of course it wasn’t. “I can’t. I know I was wrong but I want to fight for you.”
It was too late for going back and forth over this. I was already broken and I’d bet all my cigarettes and booze he hadn’t changed a single thing. Bam thought he would win me back, then beg for my patience once more. The same skipping record, same bitter song. “Is she still there Bam?” My hoarse voice accused.
The line fell dead. “…yes...”
At least he was honest. “You need something close, something easy that doesn’t challenge you. You’ve made your choice and now you have to live with it because I won’t relieve your guilt with forgiveness anymore.”
A distinct growl hit my ears. “Damn it! I haven’t made any decision other than I want you. This just happened, has nothing to do with us.”
Has everything to do with us. “If that were true, she’d already be gone. You want her there because it keeps the paranoia at bay. If you want to stay in denial, fine, you can have that now and be happy. I want you to be happy.” And I clearly am a hindrance to that.
“You make me happy.”
I don’t believe you. “No I don’t.” I feel warm hands on my sides, skimming beneath my shirt. Only then do I realize I’m shivering.
“Moj angel, you’re freezing. Come away from the window. Are you ready? If we don’t leave now we’ll be late.” The voice spoke heavy at my ear, too close for Bam not to hear. Sighing, I gave a nod, quietly telling him to head down and I’d be right behind. Giving a soft smile, Dmitri skimmed his thumb over my cheekbone reminding me to grab a coat. Because lately, I forget things like that despite the freezing snow.
“Who the FUCK was that?!” Now came the temper he most definitely got from his mother, that possession that came over him whenever something he felt belonged solely to him was threatened. But I couldn’t be his anymore.
“Bam,” my voice shows my exhaustion. It’s worn and frayed at the edges. “Please, I-I can’t talk anymore. I have a show to do. I’m begging you stop calling.” I was on the verge of tears. “I know you think you love me, but you love your image far more. I love you…goodbye…” I hung up before he could respond and shut off my phone. If anyone really needed me, they could call Dmitri’s.
Trying to collect myself, I lit another cigarette before heading for the door. I almost forget a coat but managed to grab one as I’m rushing to set the alarm and head down to the car. We’re playing our New Year’s Eve show tonight. The last thing I want to do is sing and play the role of my stage persona. But fans waited all year for this and I refused to disappoint them merely because I’ve been disappointed. I’ve already missed any sound check we were meant to have waiting for Dmitri to leave work. I rarely go anywhere without him at my side lately, even in my own city; him or Mige. He was waiting for me patiently in the backseat, chatting idly with the driver. As soon as he sees me, his face lights like fireworks making my stomach clench. This isn’t fair. If his eyes hadn’t been that sterling blue, would I still have him here? I’ve tried to explain to him-- I am honest-- and he swears he understands, that he doesn’t mind but I can’t help but feel like he’s waiting for me to change my mind. He grabs my hand tugging me across the leather seat to his strong side. “You look amazing, moj angel.”
“Thank you.”
When he leans down, I turn my head allowing his mouth to fall along my jaw. He doesn’t even flinch fully used to this by now. Two and a half months and I’d never allowed that one gesture. He could kiss, touch, caress, posses all the rest of me…but my lips were left wanting, even if it’s the place I yearned for contact most. Only Bam could kiss them right. Despite my actions and words, I know I’d give up his comforts in a second if Bam asked me to, if he gave the slightest effort to end the pain. God, I’ve got to let this go.
~~~
…what's the point of this song or even singing?
if you've already gone, why am i clinging?
well i could throw her out
and i could live without
and i could do it all for you
i could be true
tell me if you want me to lie
'cause this has got to die…
~~~
Author: AshesInTwilight
Rating: probably could get away with PG-13
Pairing: Vam
Summary: Ville's at the edge begging for mercy. Bam figures out what he's been doing during their time apart.
Disclaimer: I own no one. The words are mine but the people are their own. The amazing lyrics and song are by Damien Rice.
Author Notes: Finding russian that looks like letters my simple american mind can understand is a bit difficult...but I tried two online translations. "Moj Angel" is supposed to be my angel in Russian. It's probably not right so feel free to correct me. My russian contact has gone MIA. (ps-- I love comments hehe)
+Ville’s POV+
~~~
…this has got to die
i said this has got to stop
this has got to lie down
with someone else on top…
~~~
I stood at the open window letting the icy breeze engulf me as comfortably as a blanket fresh from the dryer. I barely feel it against my numb skin. I barely feel anything lately. Lifting the cigarette to my pursed lips, I take a long drag watching in fascination as the embers burn. They matched the lights of the bustling city, like fireflies against a coal sky. I almost smile, almost. I hadn’t smiled in a week, since I got the message. Why did he have to call me? I’d been doing fine if for no other reason than to spite him…or at least that’s what I tell myself, never mind if it was all façade. Now, who was the liar? Being the masochist I am, I save the message-- replaying it throughout the day to hear all the sweet things he said. He sounded so sincere, so mournful like I’d died. It brought an ache but one I almost craved. Like cutter dragging the razor across stretched flesh, I bring it purposely, to fight the numbness; to feel the throb as my heartbeat soars with adrenaline. Because the pain is all I can feel…and anything is better than feeling void.
Listening to the words once more, my own fingertips graze my smoke-dried lips. They used to be soft, moist always because that’s how you liked them…liked to kiss and lick away the flavored balm. I don’t bother much now beyond anxious licking against the frost but that only dries them more. You always were an amazing kisser whether passionate or playful, dominate or docile. My mouth tingles at the touch, too long neglected so overly sensitive, and it drowns me in memories of the first night we kissed:
We were at some bar in a back corner booth, bathed in long shadows and the booming bass of some random band. The crew was there as well as the band, we were celebrating something. As the night grew later, liquor ran thicker through our veins making us more flirty as it always seemed to. We were laughing at some joke Ryan had told, not near as funny as we made it seem. Then, you placed a chaste kiss to my lips. No one-- including me-- batted a lash. That much had happened countless times before, all harmless flirtation. But this was different. Your lips lingered a bit too long for the straight man you posed as. The hand that had some how ended up on my thigh sometime during the night tightened almost…possessively. You must not have seen the smile I gave when I pulled back, the willingness lining my mint eyes as my head lulled back against the seat in silent submission, because you excused yourself and disappeared into the crowd. After fifteen minutes without your returning to me, I went in search. When I made it to a smoky hallway, I felt a hand latch onto my wrist yanking me into a dark corner. I was forced against a wall, a body pressed to mine and I began to fight. Shh. “B-Bam?” Mmmhmm, you mumbled into my neck. “What are you doing?” Whatever the fuck I want for a change. You growl lips colliding into mine in a fierce kiss, not releasing me until my body shook in need of oxygen and much, much more.
~~~
you can keep me pinned
'cause it's easier to tease
so why did ya have to lie
i take it i'm your crutch
the pillow in your pillowcase
is easier to touch
and when you think you've sinned
do you fall upon your knees?
~~~
I don’t understand-- if you never really wanted me, if you didn’t want me anymore, why not just say so? I would have been your friend forever. When things don’t work out naturally, things can be ok…hearts don’t shatter, they crack, they heal. This was much more violent and damaging to me. There was no need to lie, I would have bowed out gracefully to let Missy have you even if it was just for normalcy’s sake. If that’s what you wanted…it’s always whatever you wanted. All I asked you was not to toy with me. Was the proclamations of love a lie as well? I hate that I doubt it now, but that’s your doing. I hate that you left that message, that you continually call trying to get me to respond. It weakens my already crumbling defenses. You can’t have us both-- her to complete the American dream, me on the side waiting for when you need a fix; like some kind of junkie and I your heroine. You can’t keep me chained, captive to you. I want you, all of you…or I want free.
The vibration of my phone against my cheek jolts me to attention and I nearly throw it before I realize it’s only a call. My screen reads ‘Bammie’…of course it does because he has the worst timing in the world. I hear the shower cut off, an opening door before damp footsteps sound towards the bedroom and a second door closes. I stare at the phone a moment more like I think you’ll come clawing through after me. With a quivering sigh, I decide I can’t do this one more night and answer. At first, I say nothing. “Ville?” You voice is confused by hearing more than a message. Still, I keep silent. “Ville, are you there? Say something, please, anything.”
“I’m here,” I whisper.
I hear a sharp inhale from the line. “God, baby, I thought you were never going to answer my calls. I know I totally deserve it but I feel like I’m dying and I just--” you ramble uncontrollably when you’re nervous.
“Stop.”
“What?”
“You have to stop Bam. This has to stop. You’re killing me.”
There’s a long pause and I wonder if that was enough. Of course it wasn’t. “I can’t. I know I was wrong but I want to fight for you.”
It was too late for going back and forth over this. I was already broken and I’d bet all my cigarettes and booze he hadn’t changed a single thing. Bam thought he would win me back, then beg for my patience once more. The same skipping record, same bitter song. “Is she still there Bam?” My hoarse voice accused.
The line fell dead. “…yes...”
At least he was honest. “You need something close, something easy that doesn’t challenge you. You’ve made your choice and now you have to live with it because I won’t relieve your guilt with forgiveness anymore.”
A distinct growl hit my ears. “Damn it! I haven’t made any decision other than I want you. This just happened, has nothing to do with us.”
Has everything to do with us. “If that were true, she’d already be gone. You want her there because it keeps the paranoia at bay. If you want to stay in denial, fine, you can have that now and be happy. I want you to be happy.” And I clearly am a hindrance to that.
“You make me happy.”
I don’t believe you. “No I don’t.” I feel warm hands on my sides, skimming beneath my shirt. Only then do I realize I’m shivering.
“Moj angel, you’re freezing. Come away from the window. Are you ready? If we don’t leave now we’ll be late.” The voice spoke heavy at my ear, too close for Bam not to hear. Sighing, I gave a nod, quietly telling him to head down and I’d be right behind. Giving a soft smile, Dmitri skimmed his thumb over my cheekbone reminding me to grab a coat. Because lately, I forget things like that despite the freezing snow.
“Who the FUCK was that?!” Now came the temper he most definitely got from his mother, that possession that came over him whenever something he felt belonged solely to him was threatened. But I couldn’t be his anymore.
“Bam,” my voice shows my exhaustion. It’s worn and frayed at the edges. “Please, I-I can’t talk anymore. I have a show to do. I’m begging you stop calling.” I was on the verge of tears. “I know you think you love me, but you love your image far more. I love you…goodbye…” I hung up before he could respond and shut off my phone. If anyone really needed me, they could call Dmitri’s.
Trying to collect myself, I lit another cigarette before heading for the door. I almost forget a coat but managed to grab one as I’m rushing to set the alarm and head down to the car. We’re playing our New Year’s Eve show tonight. The last thing I want to do is sing and play the role of my stage persona. But fans waited all year for this and I refused to disappoint them merely because I’ve been disappointed. I’ve already missed any sound check we were meant to have waiting for Dmitri to leave work. I rarely go anywhere without him at my side lately, even in my own city; him or Mige. He was waiting for me patiently in the backseat, chatting idly with the driver. As soon as he sees me, his face lights like fireworks making my stomach clench. This isn’t fair. If his eyes hadn’t been that sterling blue, would I still have him here? I’ve tried to explain to him-- I am honest-- and he swears he understands, that he doesn’t mind but I can’t help but feel like he’s waiting for me to change my mind. He grabs my hand tugging me across the leather seat to his strong side. “You look amazing, moj angel.”
“Thank you.”
When he leans down, I turn my head allowing his mouth to fall along my jaw. He doesn’t even flinch fully used to this by now. Two and a half months and I’d never allowed that one gesture. He could kiss, touch, caress, posses all the rest of me…but my lips were left wanting, even if it’s the place I yearned for contact most. Only Bam could kiss them right. Despite my actions and words, I know I’d give up his comforts in a second if Bam asked me to, if he gave the slightest effort to end the pain. God, I’ve got to let this go.
~~~
…what's the point of this song or even singing?
if you've already gone, why am i clinging?
well i could throw her out
and i could live without
and i could do it all for you
i could be true
tell me if you want me to lie
'cause this has got to die…
~~~